Who can explain this to me regarding childhood witnessing dm

[scientificexplanations]

I didn't have a bad childhood, I mean not compared to some ! But we did witness alot of domestic violence, a lot of shouting, arguments and violence. Mainly caused by my dad getting drunk and not being able to handle it, then taking it out on my mum.

I am a very anxious person, I really struggle to cope with any stressful situations, I have ocd, and I mean proper ocd that takes over your life, intestine thoughts and I can't ever see myself not on antidepressants.
I've tried cbt lots, it just never works for me. I have recently had emdr mentioned to me by a health professional and thinking of giving it ago.

What I went to know if, could my childhood cause me to be the way I am now ?
I mean, what is it exactly that affects a child when witnessing this kind of behaviour as a young child ? Can anyone explain the science of it to me please ? I really want to understand if the way I am today has been shaped by my childhood

The fear that people will leave is a sign of anxious attachment IIRC.

There is a lot of overlap between PTSD and neurodivergence so it can be tricky to tease out what's possible autism and what's the effects of trauma/anxious attachment. Not that it necessarily matters, it might be useful to explore coping strategies for both/all, and many will overlap too. But it can cause issues with diagnosis if that's something you wanted to do.

A good book to read about attachment styles is The Power of Showing Up. There are probably more adult orientated ones but I found that useful anyway. Or any of the ones which reflect on childhood like They Fuck You Up, Toxic Parents, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, maybe also When Dad Hits Mom, which is by a DV specialist about the effects on children of witnessing parental DV.

You might also look into borderline personality disorder although I've heard this is a diagnosis that you generally don't want as it has a bit of a stigma. Sorry I'm not sure if BPD or EUPD is the most up to date name - I don't think the name helps at all.

Ultimately, the issue is still a sensitive danger sensor (sympathetic nervous system) and while unpacking old experiences can help you make sense of them, for a lot of things which will help, understanding the nervous system is probably the most practical.