Autistic DD loves ballet but doesn’t like her new teacher

[BaronessOrczy]

11 year old DD has done ballet with her sister and a close friend for years. They have all just gone up to Grade 3 together. Up to now they have been with the ‘softer’ ballet teacher who did pre primary etc, so whilst strict is quite gentle. They adored her. Now, along with starting secondary, they’ve graduated to the big girls teacher. They had her for exam coaching last term so have worked with her before, this isn’t a new concept.

DD says that she’s too strict and the exercises make her hurt. That she loves ballet and doesn’t want to give it up but doesn’t want to be with this teacher any more.

she refused to do the lesson this week and hid in the toilet (EXH took them, it’s not how I would have handled it)

I have said that we will work together to find a strategy to deal with this. Where I sit when I take them I can peek in and see and fully hear what is happening - I wouldn’t say the teacher is doing anything wrong at all, she has high standards and as they get to higher grades they have to work harder. She speaks calmly, politely and firmly. She seems lovely to me, firm but fair, and clearly has a great rapport with most of the pupils, lots of laughter and chat outside the lesson.

This is the only lesson on that grade she can do in the week. And I know that if her sister and friend don’t go she won’t, so swopping is not the answer. DD is very rigid in her ideas and just telling her to get on with it won’t work! I’m inclined to speak to the teacher to be sure she is aware of DDs diagnosis and understands what it means, rather than to accuse, if that makes sense, but DD doesn’t want me to tell her she’s struggling (of course, I can do so discreetly)

I’d welcome ideas of how we can work together to get over this and make ballet fun for her again. She loves it and is good at it, neither she nor I want her to give up. She wants me to come up with a Mummy Strategy, but I’m a bit at a loss!

I'm not sure there's much you can do really except say give it a few weeks and see how you feel then. It takes time to get used to a new teachers ways and it's ok to be told where you're going wrong because that's how you improve - and everyone makes mistakes when they're learning.

Perhaps explain that all through her life she's going to have teachers at school or work colleagues that she doesn't like as much as others - but sometimes the more you get to know them the more they grow on you. And sometimes you just have to suck up the fact that they're not who you'd ideally choose as you have no other choice, so you just make the best of it. It's a good lesson in resilience I think. Obviously if the teacher is being nasty to her and bullying her that's a different story - but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Is your dd struggling because she's autistic though? Or is she struggling with how much harder the training is now she is in the older group? I'm not sure where her ASD is coming into it or how reminding her teacher is going to help? I think it's up to your dd if she wants to take it seriously enough to continue. If she decides in a month or twos time that she can't cope with the teacher then she can decide to stop ballet if she wants, as there's no point not enjoying it at all. But I'd recommend to her that she gives it some time and if she does I bet her ballet will really improve under this teacher,

At this age ballet turns from a fun hobby in to something that is taken more seriously.

give her some time to see if she adjusts to the level of work that is expected. If she doesn’t like it, let her leave.

It sounds as though having a chat with the teacher is a good idea so that she is aware of your DD's concerns and things that she does/doesn't like.

Perhaps part of the issue is simply change? She has had the other teacher for a while and the new teacher represents growing up/being more independent and a less sort of hand-holding style from when she was younger. So maybe it is more what the change represents to her, and the fact that there is a period of change and adjustment, than there actually being anything inherently wrong with the different teaching style.

You know her best. Is she like this with other changes? What tends to work best for her - encouraging her to keep going as you know she will adjust in the end? Or perhaps allowing her to sit through a session and just watch rather than join in? This might be an easier and slower way of negotiating the change?

All valid points, thank you.

if she wanted to give up I’d ask her to go to half term and then she could. I’m not forcing her to do it, although it would be a real shame as she is good at it and loves it - although she will never be a professional, she’s not got that drive and ambition. It’s not her be all and end all.

I can’t quite put my finger on what it is that she’s taken against about the teacher. She had exam lessons last term so it’s not new new, she didn’t like her then but we got through it (she was the one who wanted to do the exam, I’ve never pushed it). I genuinely don’t think it’s about the change, it’s more about an inner struggle with authority and understanding what the rules are now. Generally she’s not good with change but this isn’t a recent change. I don’t know if it’s a reaction to starting secondary (where she has done very well) but I’m not prepared to have meltdowns before and after if she carries on, that’s just exhausting for all of us. Yes I think there is a struggle going on about growing up and maturing. I might drop a discreet email to the teacher (I’m not sure how much of a handover she had from the other teacher) and then as you say suggest she keeps going for a while.