Absent dads return (again)

[Sukiswaterpot]

Hello guys I would love to hear from you lovely people and maybe some different perspectives.

I’m 52f and my dad abandoned myself and my 2 siblings when we were 10 and under (divorce) he remarried and had more children, where he seemed to do a better job than with us. (We got stuck with the abusive arsehole of a stepdad)

Never heard a dicky bird until around 16yrs ago when he briefly came back full of remorse of the past and promises for our future relationship. Those promises didn’t last long and he dwindled back out of all our lives after about 18 months (little things like forgetting our birthday cards all over again etc until silence)

It felt like another kick in the guts but this time in adulthood, and not just to his own children but all of our children (his grandchildren) who he had made promises to also.

Fast forward to recently and I found out by accident that he and my brother have been meeting up for a couple of years and he’s been sending birthday cards etc to brothers adult children (who barely know him and couldn’t care less)

Our other sibling (sister) and I and our children have heard nothing and my brother seemed defensive when I asked about it, and would have just carried on on the down low if my mother hadn’t of let slip.

The thing is my brothers life is going really well and he wants for nothing he’s in a happy marriage nice house cars family etc. my sister and I have not been so fortunate and have been through the ringer with life, relationships etc, and would love nothing better than a supportive father in our lives.

Since hearing this news a lot of past hurt and feelings of worthlessness and abandonment have resurfaced and I’m having a hard time emotionally and mentally. I’m also really disappointed in my brother for just going along with my father like he doesn’t have 2 other children and other grandkids to consider.

My father didn’t even send us cards on Birthdays or Christmas’s all through our childhood and adult life (except for those 18 months to 2 yrs, but now he’s decided to acknowledge some of his grandchildren who he doesn’t even know, it’s like a knife to my guts all over again.

Dad never suffered with addictions or mental health so nothing that would give him a free pass for his behaviour.

Am I being a brat to feel this way.
Thanks 🙏

Bump

Did DB reach out to him? On the face of it, he seems like an arsehole, doesn't sound like you're missing much.

The fact DB wants for nothing is completely irrelevant though.

I don’t know who reached out first but I do think that’s irrelevant as a couple of years have past since he’s been back on the scene and my sister and i haven’t been of interest to him. I imagine not even topic of conversation either. It feels like we are invisible ghosts.

I know it’s irrelevant but I meant in the sense of he doesn’t need emotional support etc

No, of course you’re not being a brat to feel like that. It’s completely normal. It’s like he’s picking and choosing which of his children he can be bothered with.

But (and it’s a big but) look at the nature of the relationship he has with your DB. Obviously not that close if your nieces and nephews don’t have much involvement with him beyond cards etc. You say contact has been going on for a couple of years now, but it all still sounds quite superficial and surface level.

would love nothing better than a supportive father in our lives I think you need to stop thinking that there is any possibility that this man is ever going to give you that. He’s not. And that has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with how much of a shit human he is. Try & understand that your DB might feel that 5 minutes worth of superficial ‘Alright son, did you see the football?’ is worth it, even if it doesn’t go any deeper than that. It’s not a betrayal of you. It’s your DB doing what he needs to do for his own peace of mind.

I promise you I know it’s shit. But it has nothing to do with you. And by that, I don’t mean that it’s none of your business. I mean that whatever relationship they have is no reflection on you.

Thanks so much for your reply it means alot.

So sorry OP. This is awful. But as Whothefuckdoesthat says, you are not missing much that your brother has as its very little and superficial. Your father will not provide what you want, so please don't cling to the idea that he will change.

When i was made a scapegoat unfairly rejected by my family years ago (different problem I know). the hurt and injustice and rejection were so great that I had to find a solution. First in therapy I was encouraged to finally stop trying to re-establish relationships, as the constant rejection is really bad for you, causing depression and prevents you from moving on. Then, I found a way to find 'meaning' in what had happened, in my case being made a scapegoat. I did a kind of visualisation of the goat unfairly sent out into the desert to die of starvation (the original biblical scapegoat) and lived with the visualisation for a while, and it developed eventually into something positive when the goat crossed the desert and found green grass on the other side, and good people. I came through the rejection even though years later there is still no contact, and there won't be. It was about surviving, then being able to thrive.
Your situation is different but maybe a visualisation that is personal to you that you can inhabit and that has meaning for you - perhaps abandoned children having to survive - one that allows you to feel the grief at first but that can evolve gradually as you live with it, into something stronger and positive - a bit like a noble quest - may help you too. I really hope so. Techniques like this can be life-changing for the better. Thanks for reading this far. Good luck.🌹

I’m sorry you went through that and thank you for your wise and kind words.