What to do?

[schoolfeeslave]

I am married with 2 DC. Eldest is in yr6 and we are looking at secondary schools. Currently DC are at a private school.

Since we had DC I have worked part time. Before DC I earned well £100k+ and DH earned similar. He has been promoted over those 11yrs and I have taken a lower paid but more flexible job. I would struggle to get back into my old role/ pay bracket - I earn £50k part time, DH earns £300k or more.

DH has hated every job he has had in the 16 years I have known him. He works ridiculous hours (at least 70 pw) and is always sulking about work.

DH was set on private school, I was not. I applied for and DS got a state place at a nice little school but DH wouldn't even look at it. We are in London and the state secondary options locally are pretty bad but primary is ok.

Anyway, we are now looking for secondary places and DH is flipping out about how he is going to have to work at this level for the next 10+yrs to pay for it. DS is autistic, probably would have been diagnosed as Asperger's back in the day and I do agree that smaller class sizes are better for him (but surely that applies to most kids?).

I am going to look at local state options. DH refuses. I kind of think a state option might not be so awful and we will have funds to get tutoring/ extra curriculars. The pluses seem to outweigh the negatives.
DH could cut down hours (although I suspect he wouldn't, even if he earned minimum wage I am pretty certain his workaholic nature would kick in and he would still work double).

Our other option would be to move out of London - we could release enough money from our house to pay for private school for both DC - depending on where we went I could transfer to another office or still commute in as my job is pretty flexible.
DH could either stay in his current role and just WFH or he could just find something locally. Or he could probably just retire if DC went to state school as we have other savings too.

We don't have a clue where we could move to.

I feel we need to make a decision soon (second DC is in yr4) but not necessarily by next September but DH just seems doomed to his fate of being stuck with his job and private school fees.

I also don't feel I have much say (if any) in this decision. Tbh I wish we had just gone to state school and I didn't have to put up with his constant moaning.

On £350k a year, you should probably be able to afford any private school you like. What else is he wanting the money for?

He sounds like a workaholic so like you say, he'll just work those hours no matter what he does. Realistically he needs help for his workaholism. I doubt he has much of a life on those hours and barely takes part in family life.

Get real, that is ten times income more than the average family has. People on half that amount can afford school fees.

We take home around £200k after tax - almost £40k goes on school fees, we put another £20k aside for future school fees, £60k into retirement savings (mainly ISAs as DH is subject to taper) then we spend £80k a year on mortgage/ other bills/ life.

We do save a lot for retirement, mainly on the grounds that DH will not be able to work like this for much longer.

You must take home around 17k per month- I would think over a year or two you'd be able to save enough to cover the entire amount of school fees? He could then drop hours/ do a different job safe in the knowledge that the fees are covered.

It sounds like you're married to Eeyore and he'll grumble about any scenario.

What do YOU want to do? And where do you think your DC will thrive?

I agree but DH is all or nothing he says he either works like this or not at all.
it would take at least 6yrs to save enough for all school fees, pay off mortgage and have enough for him to retire. He will be mid 50's by then if he doesn't keel over with a heart attack.
To get through secondary school for 2DC will be about £500k.

It's really bizarre that you are part time and he works 70+ hours per week, so does no parenting, yet he gets to make all the choices. What's the point in him working that many hours?

I'd move and pay for private school elsewhere.

I am leaning towards moving and using the house money for fees. However I really don't know where we would go? The small family I have are in London, DH grew up in Norfolk but he refuses to go back there.

re the mismatch in hours - DH wanted me to be a sahp but that would drive me stir crazy, plus I feel he is a loose canon and is always threatening to leave his job, at least I can earn enough to pay the basic bills.

I also worry whether he would continue to be an eeyore even without his job, and then what? Before DC he could switch off at weekends but since we have them it's like he feel he has to work harder for the DC and since Covid his work habits are out of control. He will not discuss my concerns about how he works - he talked about changing jobs and I gently mentioned that it's all well and good changing company but unless his attitude changes it will be same sh*t different location. That did not go down well.

So maybe state school would be best based on your husband being rubbish for everything except money OP. Either way he doesn't parent and can't possibly no his own kids well, so these aren't his sole decisions to make. Put your foot down.

Regarding moving just start looking around at prices and areas and give yourself some ideas to explore.

He isn't that rubbish with the kids when he is around he is 100% present. He works
Mon- Fri 6am - 6pm, gets home at 7, sees the kids for 1-1.5hrs then works until 10.30ish

over the weekend he will do another 2-3hrs a day, either in the evening or when DC are at an activity.
He has dropped all friends and hobbies.
I worry about him.

@schoolfeeslave i don’t want to be alarmist but I’m mid 40s and two of the men I know who work like your husband have had heart attacks. Others have suffered burn out, which can also have serious and long term consequences. It is really easy for men to get into that pattern of overwork. Those high paid jobs tend to have a culture that encourages it too.

is there anything you can do to encourage him to take a break, eg a short sabbatical of one month? Just something with enough headspace to give you time to talk.

he is no doubt working with other workaholic men who are high earners and feel like they have to provide for their family with money. If he’s working long hours then those are the people he’s spending all of his time with. The only way to get through to him might be to change his context and give him space to think about what else matters.

fwiw I think London private schools are rarely good for children with SEND and your instincts about moving or finding state schools are spot on

@greatcoffeebadhair this my fear too.

I encourage him every year to take 4 weeks parental leave over the summer - he has done it once. He wouldn't take all his annual leave unless I pushed him to.
He seems scared to raise any issues at work/ ask for less work/ time off - like it shows weakness. He works in a very "alpha male" place even though he isn't really one himself.

My fear of moving out of London is that he then stays in his job/ commuting and is out of the house even longer. At least now he sees the children every night - he wouldn't if he had a long commute.

My DH works probably more than yours, is much older, and has not had a heart attack ( touch wood).
But he has other things in his ( little) spare time: goes swimming twice a week and loves a good museum. And loves being with our DD.
He has slowed down with age, and relaxes more now.
If he does not enjoy his work...well, he should change

It sounds as though he needs a reset for his own mental health as well as your sanity. The best option would be to move out of London or massively downsize and for him to stop work altogether or at least take a long sabbatical.

With him not working, how would he spend his time, would he get into hobbies etc and if so, would they be best suited to the coast, rural or a different city. How would you truly want to spend your own time.

Is he a lawyer?

What about a grammar school?