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Original poster

What were your arrangements with ex (who has children EOW) when his new wife had her baby?

41 replies

Crunchymum · 20/09/2024 14:45

Just looking for opinions as it's caused quite a divide of opinions within friendship group.

Friend has 3 DC (age 14 down to 8)
New baby was born 4 weeks ago and so far the kids have only met baby twice (for a few hours each time)
This weekend the older children will be missing 2nd contact weekend so now won't see dad properly for 6 weeks as he's not offering to make up next weekend although he's said he'll take kids for an afternoon this weekend.

Is this normal? I can see it from both sides to be honest.

FWIW friend who is mother of the 3 DC is very much "it is what it is" whereas another friend was adamant contact should have resumed 2 weeks ago.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 21/09/2024 16:41

dad already only has EOW so we know he isn’t winning any parenting awards. Fair enough missing one weekend if they happen to be in the hospital for at least part of that weekend. After that, he is just cementing his status with his children. There isn’t really anything the primary parent can do about it. The children will know he is a waste of space as a father and is choosing his shiny new family.

if the children don’t want to return to the schedule after the break, it’s not mom’s problem to convince them.

Thursdaygirl · 21/09/2024 16:55

I think it’s to be expected that the routine may flex a little, with the arrival of a new baby. I never understand ‘set in stone’ visiting schedules.

BrokenSushiLook · 21/09/2024 17:04

It's shit parenting from the dad but I presume if he was a decent bloke he wouldn't be an Ex so it's hardly surprising.

For a non-shit parent, on the contact schedule days the children live with him and are part of the household so do not get treated any differently, on those days, than if they lived there full time.

But for some reason women keep choosing to procreate with shitty men.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
UpTheMagicFarawayTree · 21/09/2024 17:11

What a man. He can't pay for the three children he has, yet decides to add another one to the mix. Poor kids.

yikesanotherbooboo · 21/09/2024 17:38

I think that one weekend opting out if new mother has had a particularly bad time but the DC should have gone the following week. There is no obviously good excuse for not seeing your children just because there is a new baby ; in many ways it is more important to include the older children in my opinion.

CandiedPrincess · 21/09/2024 17:45

I was the new wife with the new baby (also with children of my own). My stepchildren came to see the baby in hospital the day he was born. I had to stay in due to c-section so they stayed with my DH as normal. It was then our weekend with the kids the weekend a few days later and they came as normal.

In reality, I could have done without it. I'd had a 5 day induction, ending in an emergency c-section, lost two litres of blood and then developed chronic hypertension after birth and had an infection in my wound and a baby that woke every 40 minutes for feeding😖So it would have been nice if that weekend I could have had a bit of a break because it meant DH was busy with the stepchildren and I was managing all that and the baby pretty much on my own, trying to establish breastfeeding which I felt a little uncomfortable doing around DSS, but their mother would have hit the roof. So contact continued as normal.

Thursdaygirl · 21/09/2024 17:45

For a non-shit parent, on the contact schedule days the children live with him and are part of the household so do not get treated any differently, on those days, than if they lived there full time.

But even in a ‘together’ family, it’s not unheard of for the older child(ren) to have a day or 2 with Grandma, when a new baby arrives?

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 21/09/2024 18:49

Absolutely nothing changed. Ex husband had baby with new partner and 50/50 still continued. Daughter was fully involved with new baby sibling, they felt it was important for them to make sure she was not being pushed out.

I'm very thankful that my ex met a wonderful partner that when her own came along her step daughter wasn't made to feel 2nd best and forgotten about...

Drttc · 21/09/2024 19:04

One of my children is 8 years old and I know they would be heartbroken to have seen so little of their father for that amount of time. Makes me feel queasy!

OrangeSlices998 · 21/09/2024 19:14

God it is so easy being a dad! 4 kids, an affair and now can’t even be bothered with the 4 days a month parenting he has to do. And somehow it’s reasonable to opt out of the bare minimum with your kids because you have a new one? Get to heck with that. Unless there’s some massive drip feed and the DSM has raging PND and couldn’t possibly be left alone for a day so dad sees his kid, it’s unreasonable to just expect the exW to do the hard work of parenting the other 27 days a month and pick up the dads slack.

Original poster
Crunchymum · 21/09/2024 19:18

CandiedPrincess · 21/09/2024 17:45

I was the new wife with the new baby (also with children of my own). My stepchildren came to see the baby in hospital the day he was born. I had to stay in due to c-section so they stayed with my DH as normal. It was then our weekend with the kids the weekend a few days later and they came as normal.

In reality, I could have done without it. I'd had a 5 day induction, ending in an emergency c-section, lost two litres of blood and then developed chronic hypertension after birth and had an infection in my wound and a baby that woke every 40 minutes for feeding😖So it would have been nice if that weekend I could have had a bit of a break because it meant DH was busy with the stepchildren and I was managing all that and the baby pretty much on my own, trying to establish breastfeeding which I felt a little uncomfortable doing around DSS, but their mother would have hit the roof. So contact continued as normal.

Edited

In this situation your stepchildren's mother was out of order.

But well done for solidering through.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crunchymum · 21/09/2024 19:28

Thursdaygirl · 21/09/2024 17:45

For a non-shit parent, on the contact schedule days the children live with him and are part of the household so do not get treated any differently, on those days, than if they lived there full time.

But even in a ‘together’ family, it’s not unheard of for the older child(ren) to have a day or 2 with Grandma, when a new baby arrives?

I had to leave my two older DC with grandparents for 3 nights for my induction with DC3. Although DP went home to them regularly. So yes I appreciate even in "nuclear" families there can be a separation.

DC3 ended up in neonatal for 15 days but still I managed to juggle all 3 children (school runs with DC, daytime with baby, evenings with DC, few hours at night with baby and home for kids in morning etc)

I didn't just leave DC1 & 2 😮

OP posts:
ThisBlueCrab · 21/09/2024 19:34

Not read the full thread but... when I had dd dss was 10 and dsd was 7.5 it never entered my head for their contact schedule with their dad to alter. They were on holiday with their dm when dd was born but they were the first ones we sent pictures to and they came and met dd within hours of getting home.

But, if the sm has had a difficult birth or is struggling then I can understand why she would want space.

That said the onus is on their dad not the sm to arrange and maintain contact.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 21/09/2024 19:41

My ex didn’t have a baby with his new wife but he was like this dad and just chopped and changed contact as he saw fit. I don’t work weekends so it wasn’t a major problem.

I think that the dad should be more forthcoming with future contact plans- even if he wants yo change EOW to every 3 weeks or whatever. My kids liked knowing when they were seeing dad next and I had to push that with ex who thought that they should see him when he was free.

Whether or not he’s unreasonable to change contact depends on health of baby, distance etc after this amount of time, he should have a better idea of how he sees future contact happening so his relationship with his older kids doesn’t suffer.

MrsSunshine2b · 21/09/2024 19:54

I think that's pretty rubbish of him. When DD was born we wanted SD around as much as possible (as we always have done) to bond with her. I can understand needing a few days after the baby to settle in (not that you get that in a regular family) but then things should go back to normal- if anything with extra contact.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 21/09/2024 20:10

Contact should remain as before. He chose to carry on reproducing. Should have tied a knot in it if he can’t fit the new sprog in around his current commitments. You wouldn’t ship an older sibling off to grandmas for 4 weeks while you pop out number 2

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