How quickly can you change a 12yo ingrained bad behaviour?

[BedtimeCurtains]

My ds is 12, and due to some very difficult circumstances that have gone on for years has developed some very bad behaviours.

He is well behaved and polite at school, but at home he is disrespectful, rude to me often, extremely rude to any visitors, whether they are invited guests or work people in the house, follows me when I'm on the phone and is rude to the people I'm speaking to and he very very occasionally has meltdowns which involve destroying things and hurting me. I will emphasise that the meltdowns have not happened for years and then 2 very recently, but there has been a huge (and positive) change in his life recently.

I'm sure it's easy to read between the lines - but we were living with an abuser and he witnessed violence against me and enormous disrespect aimed at me very regularly. We are being supported by local woman's services and ds will receive trauma therapy but there is a long wait list.

So - I don't want a repeat and for ds to grow up and become a carbon copy of the abuser, and so since the scales have fallen from my eyes I have begun to consistently challenge his rude and disrespectful behaviour, and give consequences for it and for any violence or aggression. This is what lead to the two meltdowns where he hurt me, but I will not be intimidated out of being a proper parent now that I am able to be one.

So my question is - how quickly would you expect a consistent firm, strict, but fair approach to these behaviours to take before seeing a dramatic improvement?

You have clearly been through a very difficult time. This may explain the level of detachment you seem to have for your child. All you are talking about is behaviour and discipline, it's clinical. What about warmth, caring and love for this child?

I have no plenty of those things. Many would say too much and I'm too soft which is why he has these behaviours. The post is focussed on the behaviours because that is what I'm asking about

Respect have domestic violence courses for teenagers. You could look into those. He needs firm, consistent boundaries and consequences for his behaviour.

You could also phone Young Minds, they have a helpline for parents worried about their child's mental health or Family Lives who can give further advice on strategies.

Thank you, I will look into those.

I am giving him firm consistent boundaries and consequences. I am just wondering - for my own mental health I guess - how long it will be before I should expect to see significant improvement? Because at the moment it is very draining, because while there is an improvement it's not a dramatic one and the behaviours continue.

Look into a ‘Who’s in Charge’ course. Changed our life - happier child, calmer family.

Oh thank you - I will

FWIW Your tone doesn't sound cold at all OP. When I took my child to the Dr's I didn't say "I love my son very much, and he has a sore knee and he's my favourite person in the whole world" I just described the symptoms because the rest is usually a given.

Being firm and consistent is the right approach. Hopefully you are also finding space to decompress, deal with your own issues because coming out of an abusive relationship will have affected you too. At some point you will probably get really angry, and having a male that acts like your ex but is your son could be very difficult then. So if you can get counselling, or find time for running, or yoga at home or just 10minutes meditation do. It's much easier to maintain the consistent, firm boundary parenting if you are also looking after yourself.

Do you have any healthy couples in your family, or proper men (a nice brother etc) who can model decent behaviour around your son. That way he learns by example - especially how to treat you. It's harder (but not impossible) if the only person saying treat your mother with respect is you. (obviously I do Not mean get another boyfriend that family needs a man of the house, more normal male relatives).

And well done for making both your lives better!

Thanks, yes - I am hopefully going to get counselling myself and we do have one proper couple in the family with a healthy relationship where the man treats me with respect who we see regularly.