Anyone have a DH who didn’t have the best upbringing? Did it bring up any emotions for DH when he became a dad?

[Thinkingthoughts]

Just wondering about this one. DH did not have the best childhood and doesn’t have that many relatives as an adult- small family anyway, but never knew his dad and he has nothing to do with his mum. The reliable ‘mum’ type figure is his auntie who is now pushing 70, but still very much involved and interested. No father type figure really to speak of but gets on well with my dad.

We are expecting our daughter soon and he is so excited to be a dad, he is a really paternal character generally and is great with my nephews. He’s wanted this for such a long time, as have I. He is a wonderful husband and does more housework than me 😂 and never fails to see the positive in any situation, which always helps to lift me up too.

I saw something recently which stopped me in my tracks, it said that becoming a parent can rehash a lot of unpleasant memories from one’s own upbringing. I am worried that DH might struggle with this. I had a lovely childhood and I’m close to my parents, so I feel sheltered from it, but he had the polar opposite really.

What’s everyone’s experiences? Is there anything I can do ahead of time to support him with it?

Yes, dp's was utterly shite in lots of ways.
He honestly the best dad I've ever known but he has to work at it.
It's constant reflection being a parent and I think you can go one of either way, when you're almost resentful your dc has a lovely childhood you didn't get or the other way most people go and certainly want to go, constantly wanting to be better and do the most.
If he struggles then get him in for talking therapies and have him read parenting books. He'll be grand!

Our situ sounds similar to yours OP. For first 10 years of marriage I thought something would come up that he would need to work through but it never did. Then when we had kids he embraced fatherhood and is wonderful with the kids. Now, many years on, he has the odd wistful moment of what his childhood should have been but it's never impacted how he's treated the kids or even his own emotions really beyond those odd times of fleeting memories / sadness. I would say don't worry, don't look for it and enjoy yourselves!

Thank you- so reassuring to hear!

This was my ex's situation. He had an absolutely awful childhood and was very try worried about fatherhood. I happened to have my DS at the same time as his wife so we talk from time to time. He finds it hard because he puts a huge amount of pressure on himself and he wants to be the perfect dad all the time so gets very upset when something doesn't go quite right. But he's a brilliant dad, his very hands on and his daughter absolutely adores him. I think it's helped repair some of the damage from his past.

DH had an awful time with his dad when he was a child and has nothing to do with him as an adult. Naturally an amazing dad to my three sons.

Yes - I had a really happy childhood, no real problems.
DH mother walked out when he was young and he had a very difficult relationship for a long time with his step-mum (although its OK now and he's quite close to his Dad).
Having children has definitely made a lot of emotions resurface but overall I feel like his past experiences /own childhood may have helped make him the most wonderful father. He is so engaged with the children and never wants to miss a moment with them. And he's always very Full of praise for how I am as a mother.
He does find big family get togethers hard and for a few years we would often end up arguing after them but as time has gone on this has mellowed a bit.

I’m in a similar situation, we’re expecting our first child soon and he’s been so happy, sweet and caring through my quite difficult pregnancy and is very excited talking about future plans when the baby arrives. But I’ve also wondered whether he’ll find anything surfacing about his childhood, which I don’t even know the details of just that it was complicated and there was definitely some neglect and abuse going on. I’ve mentioned to him that it’s something that happens for some people, but I know if it does he won’t want to discuss it so is a bit of a worry.

From what you've posted I think the likelihood is he will be a good father.. that's not to say there won't be tough or emotional times but if anything I think a difficult childhood can make someone a very good and loving parent. Try not to worry too much x

My DH had an absent father. And having his own child made him aware of what his dad had given up and made him think differently of him and his choices. So it did cause him some issues to work through. It had no impact on his parenting though other than make him adamant he wouldn't make the same mistakes and he is a great dad.

Both myself and my ex had bad childhoods. Ex never met his father and his mother was an alcoholic who died in her 40s. My childhood was marginally better, my mother was present but she suffered with terrible depression and my stepdad was verbally abusive, my bio father was in prison.

My ex is a terrible person and parent but I like to think I'm not and I've raised a very lovely DS.

It can go either way I think but it sounds like your DH will be good.

Yes, DH had severe depression quite unexpectedly following the birth of our dc.
It was extremely hard for both of us.

He did recover and has always been a good dad.

My DB struggles a bit with discipline. Our DF was, quite frankly, terrifying and DB is always worrying about his tone of voice, his volume etc, while still trying to set boundaries and teach right from wrong. Luckily, his DS is an absolute angel 95% of the time and the remainder has been DB sitting down with him and explaining why something is wrong or he’s had to say no, which has been the perfect approach. He’s never shouted at him or got angry with him. But DB does need regular reassurance that he’s doing it right and that his DS is behaving because he’s a good kid and not out of fear of DB.