Hey. I've finally got a job after 1 year and 2 months unemployed and after a difficult time of living of my inheritance and struggling to find a direction and my confidence. My boyfriend has also become very unhappy, hurt and disappointed in me, and regretfully, our relationship has really suffered, and he now keeps me at arms length. You do not know how much it hurts, but I know I've caused it and I haven't been fair to him by living off my inheritance and taking so long to find any job. He used to be very affectionate and complimentary; he would kiss me throughout the day and idolise me. He would talk about wanting to start a family with me; he would bring it up on his own, and now that feels like its all being ripped away. Our rent is going up, and we are very unhappy with the place we are living because our next door neighbour is overbearing and we have no feeling of peace or space living here. My boyfriend has been desperate to move for years now. He doesn't want to stay in the city we live in and he wants to move out to a completely different part of the country. I don't really share this want at all or feel any desire to leave the city we currently live in, but then again, I don't want to give up our life together or for him to not get the things he wants in life. Its just so hard.
Well, I've received a job offer after having an interview recently. When I got the call and I found out I had been offered the job, I couldn't believe it and it didn't feel real. I felt so happy, like the clouds have lifted on my life and the sun could shine through.
The job pays very well at £20 per hour which is unimaginable for somebody like me as in my last job I was only paid £22,000 per year. Its a massive jump in salary.
I felt like opportunities will start opening up for me with this job. I will be able to save money every month, rebuild my inheritance. I will be able to support my boyfriend if he wants to take time off his work and look for something else (which he has told me he wants to do because he is not happy at his job, but he can't do this because I've never been earning enough money). Me and my boyfriend will be able to afford to move and afford a bigger mortgage, afford a house even rather than just a flat. I will be able to afford my own car. I will be able to think about having the child i have wanted for so long. Like i believe it will open so many more doors for me and my boyfriend as well.
A few months ago, we had a talk. He was disappointed in me for not trying hard enough to find a job or improve my life situation/career prospects/build new skills (these sorts of things). He asked me why I wasn't trying harder because he knew i wanted a family and a child, and we had talked about it more and more in the past couple of years (we have been together for like 10+ years). Well he told me that i wasn't getting any closer to being able to have a child and that it just wasn't really an option because that I didn't have anything to offer. Which I understand, because I've been unemployed for over a year and my prospects for a well paid job are non existent.
Well, I was happy, and I've told my boyfriend about the job. He said the job would be ok for the short term, but that i should keep looking at other jobs. He says a remote job would be ideal. i had another job interview yesterday for a different job that was arranged before i got this job. The interview was for a job that only paid £25,000 a year and it was only a temporary job lasting two months. Yesterday, my boyfriend wanted to ask all about the job and the interview, he asked me how the interview went and he asked me when I would be hearing the outcome of the job. i knew full well i wasn't interested in the job because i'd already received and accepted the job offer for the other job. i only did this interview as a backup incase the other job fell through or something. He even said that this temporary job might be something good to put on my cv.
How can i rebuild my savings or have enough money for hopes and dreams with a salary like that and no breathing room financially?
I was so happy about this job when i found out i got it, but my happiness has gone down.
It's been a year and 2 months of uncertainty for me and I just want to celebrate the fact that i have a job and some certainty, and i feel like my future is a little brighter, but i can't. I don't feel like i can.
Instead, i've been feeling low every day and tearful even. i've tried meditating, going on walks, volunteering, but nothing helps. I'm supposed to be feeling like i can finally relax and finally look forward to the future, instead i'm being hit with depression and i can't believe it.
I am so sick and tired of feeling conflicted all of the time. Like I've had enough. I thought i had finally got to a good place in life after a year of bleakness and going through a big loss years ago. I don't want to feel like I'm making a decision my boyfriend doesn't want me to make. i thought my life was going to get easier, not harder, with this job.