Did your parents see it as a negative to compliment/praise you?

[HighPrecisionGhosts]

My parents did not do I love you or hugs.
They also viewed saying what we were good at as a real negative.
They thought we'd get big headed, above 'our station'. So we'd be "brought back down" throughout our childhood.

My mother was from a very middle class background, my father working class and I wonder if that was a factor....

Anyway, I've spent my life striving to make them proud, think I'm a decent person. Overachieved academically, onto Masters etc. Which I haven't needed to do for my career. But wanted to prove I could.

Apparently they speak to friends highly of us. This was a revelation to me. But I feel rubbish, even though part of me knows that's crap.

Yes totally relate to this. One example I remember well was doing well in my GCSE’s and my mum saying it didn’t mean anything and getting good grades doesn’t mean I’m clever. Made me give up a bit to be honest. Or just recently I told her of something I was proud of and she just made a sarcastic comment putting me down.
I have actually noticed her mum is the same with her so I imagine that is where it comes from, I’ll make sure I break the cycle with my kids!

Yes!!!

My parents would never tell me what happened at parents evenings (I had to stay home and babysit siblings) apart from negative stuff (which was low key stuff - too much talking to my mate). So I thought I was shit at school.

One day after parents evening a teacher casually said "hope your parents were smiling at your report from.us last night." They twigged I was clueless and told me what they and other staff thought of me.

And you are fabulous- let me tell you that !!

Yes my mum was like this.

She also used to call me names based on my appearance so that "when people at school call you these names, you'll be used to it".

No one at school called me those names. Not that that would make it ok - shouldn't home be a safe place away from cruel schoolyard nicknames??

Absolutely! Both my parents were like this, my Dad the other day introduced me to one of his friends and the friend said something nice about me and my Dad rolled his eyes and said "if only". Neither one of them ever said anything nice to me, ever.

I can count on one hand the number of times that my mother has said something nice about me (I'm early 50s). It's not that she didn't want me getting too big for my boots, she's still telling everyone how bad I am at everything (academically very successful and decent jobs) and moans about my weight (size 12) every time I see her. If I wasn't such a goody two-shoes I'd have gone NC a long time ago. Still mystifies me but I'm used to it and can mostly ignore.

I always felt that there was one rule for me and another for the rest of society at large. Like my mum would always tell me the things I said were rude or wrong, or that 'nobody ever does this/thinks that'. When in reality it was simply the fact she personally didn't agree with me.

Even now she argues the toss, even if I said the sky was blue she'd say 'no it's not. Never has been'. But she'll believe every word that comes out of the mouth of a complete stranger!

When I ask her why she tries to derail everything by playing devil's advocate, she just says 'oh, maybe I've just got a different opinion'!

Yes, mine were exactly like this too. In some sort of defence, I think it stems from the class system where you had to 'know your place' and 'don't get too big for your boots'. But it is horrible and by modern standards, abusive. In all, I think I had a pretty shit childhood and I'm sorry that others suffered too.

Opposite here op and so sorry your parents were like this though good they do talk to others about how great you are! My parents were like the fockers- we celebrated everything we did nearly- I used to come last in sports day and my dad would say the important thing was I finished. Failed an exam once and rang home bawling and he said ‘they won’t look at the grades of these exams, it’s the summer ones that matter and then after that that you finished.’ He was a legend. Mums great too, she’s so in my corner

I did get praised for some things, usually work related (we lived on a farm) but I realise now that my father saw confidence as a negative trait. Consequently we were not great at voicing opinions and even now I would rather stay quiet during discussions.
With my own children I always praise them and encourage independent thinking, but not so as to let them think the world revolves around them. I encourage them to also consider others and be kind and empathetic.

Our parents have always been warm and affectionate and praised my siblings and I when praise is due.

We are all confirmed and have made excellent life choices.

They ans us are also very blunt and plain speaking. Being honest and upfront with each other without being offended has made us strong and supportive.

Yep, this is me. Never a moment’s praise in case I “got ideas above my station’. When I did well academically it was not worthy of praise because ‘it’s easy for you’ ( it wasn’t and I worked really hard). Was never a moment’s worry for them around jobs, money, marriage, kids ~ but never got any credit for it. But DH could do no wrong.

However, if I put on weight, had bad hair, wore something deemed cheap looking or not smart enough, they were very quick to let me know.

I think they did love me in their way. It’s just appearances were so important to them (lower MC?). And my mum in particular always prioritised men over women. Her mum did that too and it feels like that’s all she knew. It still makes me sad.

Yes that was my childhood. Can't ever remember being praised by my mum or dad, I do remember lots of criticism though. I grew up with low self esteem and anxiety.

Yes. And parents like this are toxic.