6 year old daughter is a people pleaser

[dairydebris]

Long time lurker, first time poster, please be gentle.

My 6 year old daughter is a very loving, giving soul. Can always tell if someone is feeling sad, extremely generous with hugs etc.
However, she's started to notice that she doesn't often get her way because she always let's others get their way because she doesn't want them to feel sad.

Examples. When playing with 8 year old sister they always play 8 year olds games. When asked why, she says she wants 8 year old to be happy. Or, when playing at school with best friend she always does what best friend wants as otherwise best friend cries and threatens not to be friends with her. She says it's more important to the best friend.

I just get the feeling that this is becoming her pattern, and I don't want her to grow up not ever putting herself first.

Does anyone have any advice? Leave it, she'll learn? Enforce more equal games between sisters? Relax a bit, she'll work it out?

Thanks.

I think it's very important that she learns how to be assertive and knows her boundaries. Assertiveness needs to be used like a muscle. At the moment she's 'being kind' at her own expense and risks a lifetime of being walked over.

Thanks, I totally agree, but how?

I wish I had the skills to deflect bad behaviour when I was younger. I would speak to her about being treated with respect and how she should expect that in life and give her examples of respectful and disrespectful behaviour.

I would help her to learn stock phrases to use when asserting herself. How to listen to her feelings as they tell her when she's uncomfortable and her boundaries are being violated.

That some behaviour is completely unacceptable such as inappropriate touching, name calling, aggression and what to do in those kinds of situations.

I would model assertive behaviour to her in interactions with others. I would use her current friendship as a lesson in assertiveness, teach her that her friend is not being kind or respectful and friends don't treat us like that. I would teach her some ways of dealing with various scenarios, perhaps role play and help her develop her confidence.

In the longer term, I would show trust in her abilities. Listen to her and take her feelings seriously. Encourage her to stretch herself outside her comfort zone and take risks.

Or, when playing at school with best friend she always does what best friend wants as otherwise best friend cries and threatens not to be friends with her. She says it's more important to the best friend.

You need teach her that if her sister, friend or any other child she is playing with says this, she is to stop playing with them completely then either play on her own or with another child. Basically she needs to learn to say "I'm sorry that you feel like that but I don't want to play with you now" then going off to do whatever.

This type of behaviour needs to be squashed immediately. Otherwise when she gets older she won't have the knowledge to recognise this is manipulative and the confidence to deal with people like employers and intimate partners who pull similar BS.

I wouldn't necessarily enforce equal games with the sisters as you don't want to directly interfere in their relationship (at least that what I've read re avoiding sibling rivalry). But you can certainly advise DD6 that it's not her job to make her sister or her friends happy and she's entitled to want to play her own games, and/or refuse to play at times if it's not reciprocal. You could coach her with roleplays re the friend at school

Other people on MN and elsewhere reminded me when my DD was a toddler that she was allowed to say "No" and it should be respected if she didn't want to share particular things. So if for example my DD had a meal with chips, when asked for a chip she didn't want to give me or anyone else one, that was fine and should be respected.

Another example is telling her to hug or kiss adult relatives, or accept hugs and kisses from adult relatives when she doesn't want to.

Watching with interest as dd2 is like this. She's older. Any advice for a 12 year old to develop this assertiveness would be interesting to read.

I think her compromising if she really doesn't mind is fine. But if she has a preference or actually doesn't want to do something at all then that's the time you need to address it.

Does she have autonomy to choose things for herself to practise decision making. Even if she is free to choose I would make it a pointed decision and perhaps ask her why so she can justify and identify for herself why she wants to do certain things. "DD would you like pasta or rice with dinner?", " DD do you want to wear black trousers or jeans?", " Would you like to play Frustration or Kerplunk?". " Would you like to colour with pencils or pens?"

When she starts asserting her preference it will become a habit.

Also model your own decision making and asserting your preference, "I don't want to go to the park as it is raining, should we go to the library instead?" if she really wants to go to the park she might want to argue/debate it, get her to give you her reasons.

Do some role play with her to practice scenarios.
Let her see you modeling it well in real life too.

I think this hits the nail on the head actually. Thankyou.
I'm going to try to give her some stock phrases to use and practice with her.
She's not unassertive at times at home, say if she doesn't want to clean up or something, she has no problem saying no. It's just when someone else gets upset, she always puts their upset before her own, if that makes sense. I can absolutely see this leading to exploitation later in life.
We'll practice 'I'm sorry you feel like that but I'm going to play something else now' at home until she hopefully gets it!

Told my son only yesterday that he can offer sweets but that he gets one too, to be nice and helpful but you deserve to get your way too. I’ve told them to always say ‘you can’t say that’ if someone threatens not to be friends

Could we post a collection of stock phrases for those of use with children who would benefit from being a bit more assertive? I also worry that I come across as rude if I decline something but didn't use to this way when younger.

‘That’s not very kind to ME’

’I don’t think you are being very fair to ME’

’I think we should take turns to pick the games’

etc

Contentious but I never made my daughter share if something was hers.

If she got some sweets for her birthday etc my dad would always say "ooh give me a sweet" or similar, and I'd ask DD if she wanted to share. That she didn't have to, they were hers and if she didn't want to share not to eat them in front of others and keep them for home but if she wanted to that was nice too. Sharing because they want to is so much better than sharing because of obligation.

Same applied to kisses and hugs too, only give what you are comfortable with.

How about starting with encouraging her to see herself as a friend?

There is some good advice here. I would like to add stressing the importance of turn taking. If her friend or sister chose last, it is her turn to choose, that is fair. If someone is mot wanting to take turns with her, they are not being kind. They are not behaving like a friend, the relationship is unbalanced. I think it is important that she can identify when someone is taking the piss, and resist it. That she is not mean when she resists, they are for not being fair to begin with.

@Singleandproud I don't think it is contentious.

Some other posters on MN and elsewhere reminded me that being "kind" and being "nice" are not the same thing.

Sometimes being kind to another person or animal may mean not being nice to them but it will stop them being in pain or being hurt now or later.

So as parents telling kids to clean their teeth is kind even if it isn't nice for the child.

It's great that you're aware of it OP. I come from a family of narcs. I didn't know what boundaries were. In fact it took me a long time to work out I can say no and that actually I am a person too. You sound to be really on it.