What to say to friend (or ex friend) regarding me ending the friendship over her two children?

[Senparentingwoes]

Pretty much what the title says. I made a decision to majorly step back from friend due to ongoing aggressive and bullying behaviour towards my two DC from her two. I’ve avoided the situation for the last few months but she is pushing and pushing. Both my DC are SN (oldest is autistic and adhd, littlest is awaiting diagnosis but non verbal) and unable to defend themselves so I feel it’s up to me as their mum to protect them. Friend didn’t step in and discipline her children so I think she is pretty unaware of the impact.

Do you need to end the friendship between you or just your children?

I always say that I don’t think the children get on well these days so mine aren’t up for meeting up but I maintain adult friendships whilst doing so.

Unfortunately not, it was a friendship based purely around the children as neither of us have any childcare other than when I work. I admittedly am also resentful that she refused to discipline her children whilst making comments about my children being too sensitive.

Then you probably need to be brave, and as diplomatically as you can, say that it isn't working for you for the reasons you outline here?

I had to take a big step away from a friend after her DC became aggressive towards my DC over a long period of time and friend would just stand there smiling and cooing over her DC. She was utterly blind to her DC’s shocking behaviour (witnessed by many people towards my DC) - towards my DC and behaviour in general - and then we happened to move away and problem solved.

I know this doesn’t help you but you’re going to have to tactfully say words to the effect that the DC’s don’t seem to be enjoying spending time together at the moment so you’re going to take a step back from meeting up. From experience I’ve found that lazy parents will never recognise that their DC’s behaviour may be habit a detrimental effect on others so you have to distance yourself.

Well she isn't taking your feelings into account so I wouldn't worry too much about hurting her feelings. Be honest, in the nicest way that you feel is appropriate!

Tell her your DC are upset about being hurt by hers, you’d hoped she’d put a stop to it but it now means you can’t meet up for a while/ever. She had her chance, your DC safety is worth more than her feelings. Maybe it’ll be a wake up call to her but it rarely is with people like this.

In that case don’t instigate anything and when she messages just say it won’t work because the children aren’t friendly anymore.

If the friendship is over then you've nothing to lose.

Next time she contacts you about meeting up "no thanks, I won't subject my kids to any more aggressive and bullying behaviour from your DC, it's best we call it a day and don't meet up any more. All the best".

Can't you just stay factual, something like 'My kids used to end up hurt and upset, so I would prefer to just leave things.'

Don't say you or your kids.