38 Single F with two children. I work full time and receive no maintenance. I have both children home with me full time. Youngest child is 7, eldest is 16.
My youngest child's dad became abusive in every way once I fell pregnant, very subtle in the beginning but over time, I was bullied into sex, financially ruined, mentally abused and was left suicidal. I managed to get away when my youngest was 2 years old.
I grew up in an abusive home. Father was physically abusive to mum, emotionally unavailable towards me. Mother was mentally unstable and I was raised mostly by grandparents. Mothers mental health issues were present before my birth, but this was later blamed on me. I do often think however, that much of it was down to being spoiled and throwing tantrums.
Mother remained with abusive father on and off for all of my life. The physical abuse stopped many years ago, along with the aggression on the whole. Mother stayed because of money. Never worked, has an allowance every week.
When eldest son was born, I was in a financially good position and always shared my income with my parents where possible. Paid towards holidays for them, towards new front doors, decorating, gifts, meals etc. This was because they helped me with afterschool care. Both offered physical payment but I feel they enjoyed having open access to my income when it suited.
I've always been independent in every way, probably due to the issues I encountered as a child. They have helped me with my eldest son with after school care and I was always grateful for this. They were far better grandparents than parents and this was good to see. They'd both mellowed a great deal as they'd grown older.
When I found myself in hardship when in my abusive relationship, my parents helped me financially and allowed me to lean on them for help. I didn't lead a lavish lifestyle and worked 3 jobs around my youngest son, in order to provide the best way I could as a single parent of two children. I was always told I didn't have to pay them back, as they may need help some day and would expect me to help them. Of course, I would do this and always had in the past anyway. I always felt the need to buy them things and go over the top at Christmas and birthday for them both, because I always felt I had something to prove and because I had very little as a child.
Unfortunately, three years ago I retaliated in an argument where I was once again bullied by my mother (no change there), and for once I stood up for myself. I'd been having counselling and for once, was starting to feel confident in myself. I don't think she liked this and has always enjoyed tearing me down. She became physically and verbally abusive, I left and have never spoken to them since.
Since this incident, I have heard several lies about myself. I have heard how I was physically violent towards them. I have never retaliated however, they are now saying I've swindled them for money from the help I received. Saying I took them to the cleaners. They have also claimed I am aggressive to my children and threatening towards them. I have always done my absolute best to be the best mother I can be, because I know what it's like to have a bad one, so this hurt.
They have been going into family owned businesses in our area complaining for the help I had off them. They have said I am evil and wicked. They have told people I have tried to steal from them, amongst other things. The help was thrown back in my face a few times, and I asked for bank details to pay them back, to which they refused and stated I'd try to steal money from their account.
I've had more counselling since the initial incident, have done better in work and am much happier in myself (something I've never felt before), but now I'm thinking I should just struggle for 12 months or so and go back through old bank statements to see however much I've had and just pay them back. I'm not sure how I could set up a standing order with them refusing to give me details though?
Should I just pay them back and allow them to continue with the smear campaign? My worry is what they'll say next if I do, as it'll be something less they'll be able to hold against me.
Apologies for the long post x