Any compulsive talkers managed to overcome it?

[ProgressivePilgrim]

If there's one part of my personality I could change, it would be this. I've got Inattentive ADHD, OCD and anxiety generally. I'm actually an extreme introvert and find talking exhausting! So, it's a huge irony that if I get into conversation with people, I compulsively, excessively and very rapidly talk. I sometimes feel so exhausted afterwards, I have to lie down to recover. I know it can really annoy the other person, and I feel terrible about this, as I want to be a 'goodie' in life. I want to enrich and help others, not irritate them. So, more often than not, I just avoid people. That way I don't get tired or traumatised by the interaction; and they don't get annoyed. I would dearly love to overcome this problem. But once I'm in company, it's like something takes over - stress hormones flood my brain, and I'm out of control. It can take hours or days to recover. Has anyone managed to cure this problem?

Nope, it's awful. I'm a chronic oversharer as well. As I'm doing it, I have a voice in my head going STFU but I keep going. I often have to decompress after social occasions so I prefer to avoid them unless I'm going to be with good friends who know what I'm like.

Fortunately, now I'm older I don't really care what people think of me, so I don't get that regret after having done it.

Thank you for sharing, and for understanding this curse. Some people don't understand, as they assume chatty = confident extrovert. When, in fact, in my case it means insecure neurotic introvert.

Sorry to hear you've not been able to overcome it. But glad hear you've found acceptance of a kind, and no longer dwell on how you came across. I spend hours berating myself for this, post conversation. Maybe there'll be acceptance one day. I still hope to change though...

This is me also! But it depends on who I'm with. In a group I can be very quiet if others are talking as I can't figure out how to get a word in. But 1:1, if my conversation partner is more of a listener/quiet type, I can't stand any silences and will compulsively talk and overshare to fill them and then feel embarrassed and worried afterwards. It truly is a curse OP- you're not alone! I'm trying to take the approach of the pp and just try to give myself permission not to care how I came across. You sound lovely OP - hopefully the people in your life appreciate your chat and the information you're sharing

Thank you so much for helping me feel better about it, and less alone too. I hope you do indeed come to a place of acceptance. Take care 😊

I am the same. I tell myself before any social interactions to listen, to take turns and not monologue but I can still hear myself doing it. I suffer from anxiety, struggle with social situations and have Asperger's.
People would never guess and those who I have told are shocked as I seem so chatty.
I feel like a plate spinner as I can’t stand silences and feel responsible for keeping conversation going and ensuring others are happy. It is exhausting, like being on stage.
I don’t know how to stop it.

I think we get good at putting on an act, it's a huge effort and that's why it is so draining. My idea of bliss post socialising is the stereotype of lying down in a darkened room.

To be fair I always thought everyone was like this and it was only recently when I was talking with my bestie about her adult DD's recent ADHD diagnosis, that I realised I have a lot of the same behaviours!

@ProgressivePilgrim try not to berate yourself, I've also realised that most people are so self involved that they don't really take in or retain input from others. In one ear and out the other!

I used to be so much better at controlling it. I ran a bar so avoiding social interactions wasnt an option. Think it was a practice made perfect kind of thing; the more I forced myself to keep my mouth shut maintain eye contact and not start twitching or zoning out, the better I got at it.
Its also helpful to remember most people love talking about themselves, so asking questions / showing interest (even if they're the most boring miserable old fart you've ever met), and giving them a chance to prattle on generally makes most people feel at ease

It was sooo draining though, I'd shake with the effort of maintaining the veneer of outside calm. My ears would ring, heart would pound, I'd get sweaty palms. Maximum anxiety levels! Its a hard mask to wear when you're just an excitable bundle of ND energy 😆

The skill seems to have slipped away in recent years now I do office work and dont have to interact with 200 people a day. Doesnt matter though because I'm older crankier and no longer care about being liked or making friends, lol..

I struggle with this and have to manage it, to varying degrees of success and failure. Not having things like office socials hardly ever now does help.

No advice unfortunately, just a bit of solidarity. I'm not a naturally chatty person, as in I don't seek out people to talk to. I'd rather be left alone. But when I'm in a situation where it's inevitable, I can't stop talking. I feel I need to spill out all the information I have on whatever we're discussing and I talk ridiculously fast. There's also this fear of gaps in the conversation which I feel driven to fill with whatever nonsense is swilling around inside my head. I'm always gripped by shame and embarrassment afterwards. Then there's the horrible post conversation analysis ...

Yes! It was a combination of things. I was brought up to be polite so that meant making conversation and also to entertain, so I had to be witty.I also asked a lot of questions.

Anyway, I did a counselling course and the teacher said to me, why do you ask so many questions? I went off and reflected on it and realised that I had a compulsion to fill silences. I also took on the burden of the conversation.

Anyway I began figuratively sitting on my hands. I allowed silences to develop even if they become awkward, I stopped asking so many questions and stopped leading interactions. Sometimes I just sit in silence and let the conversation stutter and fade away.

It was really hard at first but with some practice I now let others make an effort or just let the conversation die.

Oh god, that post-interaction reflection period is so painful ..laying wide awake at 3am burning with shame because you said X or Y. Why did I say that, wtf? I shouldn't have butted in! I'm so stupid! Why am I like this!? They must think I'm such a moron! What if they tell other people? Oh god I want to kick myself! Whyyyyy..

One good thing about ADHD is I'm so easily distracted I never get stuck on that train of thought for long lol

Just think about the poor people who have to listen to you endlessly. I tend to take a wide berth of people who talk too much as they are boring and never ask how the other person is. Just don't speak. Simples!

I sometimes feel so exhausted afterwards, I have to lie down to recover
How do you manage this at work, when shopping, eating out etc OP? Have you had any therapy? I'm not sure if CBT, hypno or counselling would be beneficial?

I don't have verbal diarrhoea, but sometimes find it difficult to know when to interject when there isn't a clear pause in the conversation. The other person is still rambling on, with just enough dead space for them to have a breath. I then start speaking, but then instantly they start again, so it sounds like I'm speaking over them. I've tried waiting till they have stopped speaking, but often the conversation has moved on, so the point I was going to make is now irrelevant.

Oh, I absolutely think about the other person. It's mostly for that reason that I started this thread, and want to conquer the problem.
I couldn't be more consciousness about it, and as explained in my OP, I often avoid people so I don't annoy them.
To be honest the feelings of guilt and shame I feel around this are crippling. I've got to be honest, your post didn't really help with that. But, I completely understand that if you don't struggle with this, it is very hard to understand.
It really isn't simple at all. Neuro-divergent brains work differently from neuro-typical ones. It's very hard to explain, but it's literally like something takes me over. I think I'm desperately trying to appear normal, and get it all wrong!
If it was simple I'd have conquered the problem years ago! Or not struggled with it to begin with.
I really do try 🤷‍♀️

I'm self-employed now. But, I have worked as part of a team before, and I was always absolutely mentally exhausted at the end of each day.
The struggle is very real.
Not had therapy about this specifically. I probably should...
Yes, I know what you mean about not knowing when to interject. I think really good conversation is an art form, and some people are just much more natural at it than others. Hey ho!

I wish people wouldn’t post unhelpful comments like “try not to talk as much”. Obviously it’s causing the OP distress and she is wants to stop but it’s not so simple! Like telling an anorexic to have a good meal or someone with a stammer to “spit it out!” when they’re struggling to speak.

I’m the same as you, OP. It works quite well in my job as a self-employed hairdresser but I do feel awful sometimes when I’m like this with my husband and I honestly don’t realise I’m doing it until he stops me and says I’ve been talking non stop for five minutes, jumping from topic to topic without letting him join in. I don’t find it funny or cute or anything, I hate it and I’m ashamed that I make my loved one feel this way. I am trying to work on it but I don’t know how really. It’s like my brain is in overdrive or something.

I also have ADHD and anxiety 🤗

It's a symptom of ADHD so without medication you probably won't be able to consistently just overcome it by willpower. I have just ranted at my cleaner AGAIN if it's any help. Luckily she is lovely and doesn't seem to mind.

One thing I do try to do, is always try to make sure when I clock what I am doing (which only happens periodically, is stop and break at that point and if it's been a bit much acknowledge that, apologise and let them get a word in! I also always try and ask a question of them when I finish my point. And I try not to interrupt when they are speaking (although I know this is difficult also!!).

After many times of oversharing and feeling deep regret about it, I also try to constantly remind myself not to overshare when in a context where I might really regret it such as a work training session. I remind myself going in and during the session. Depending on how your ADHD affects you might need to write that down on the notepad you are going to use or set yourself reminders ahead of and possibly during the session.

Other than that though I just accept I am likely to overshare and try not to worry about it too much. One man's oversharing is another man's open and friendly!!! Plus I have SO many ADHD (and other MH) symptoms to try to manage I have to prioritise and tbh this isn't such a bad one in the whole scheme of things.

This isn't directly related but am just going to leave a link to this post here as it made me cry and although it hasn't magically made me "stop trying to fix it" it did give a temporary feeling of lifting a huge weight of my shoulders and I keep reminding myself that perhaps I can sometimes stop spending 150% of my energy trying to manage my ADHD!....

www.facebook.com/share/r/fa91JeTetzaBCbJe/?mibextid=UalRPS

Do you have a friend or a family member that you can practise this with? Someone you feel comfortable with.
Tell them about your problem and your situation, and then practise. Ask them to tell you about something. About their day. A story from their youth. About an interest.
You stay silent and listen. Let them talk. And then you can tell them about something. Take turns.

That's a really good idea. Thank you.

Thank you so much for your very kind and affirming post ❤️

Oh, thank you so much for taking the time to write such a comprehensive and helpful post. Lots of great info.
I haven't gone down the meds route. I've always been nervous about side effects, but I should probably at least consider it...

I totally get this. Smoke some weed, drink some coffee and try to remember to ask questions so you are forced to stop talking and listen to their answer.

@InattentiveADHD wrote
"Other than that though I just accept I am likely to overshare and try not to worry about it too much. One man's oversharing is another man's open and friendly!!! "

This is true!

I have found my people. Only today did I walk into work determined to not overshare and to listen more. 20 seconds through the door I had told 3 people about a new thing I'd bought.

Problem is while it's nice to let people just accept me rabbiting on it's quite damaging for my career. People see me as bubbly and chatty rather than knowledgeable, strategic etc.

I am trying (and failing quite a bit) to follow these rules:

• no one cares how you are they are just being polite. Just say "good thanks, how are you" they don't need an hour by hour breakdown of the last week
• People want to talk about themselves.
• Only ask questions

-Respond to their questions with answers under 10 seconds.

• in formal meetings write down bullets of the point you want to make
• never share anything personal in meetings
• have an internal song to fill silence. Let them step in.

Ah, thank you. Those are helpful guidelines.
I'm glad you've found your tribe here 😊