How do I get my child to eat???

[Daffydills]

i am absolutely at my whits end so will take any constructive advice. Youngest child is 6 years old. Always been a picky eater but we’ve managed. For the last year or so, the eating has gotten slower and slower and slower. An average meal takes over an hour. Tea time regularly last longer. The only thing that gets them to eat is me literally sitting next to them saying ‘eat’ for every. Single. Mouthful. But even me saying that doesn’t mean they’ll eat. It’s every two or three times I say it. It’s soul destroying. Every single meal is a nightmare. I’ve got older children and they eat normally so I have no idea why this is such a massive issue. It’s got to the point I’m worried I’m going to give them a future eating disorder because of the obsession around food

so far I’ve tried-

• letting them choose a menu and cooking only what they ask for
• letting them help cook and set up
• setting a timer and then the meal is removed and no more food until the next meal ( I hated this, they didn’t care at all)
• offered treats and rewards for speedy eating
• punishments for taking too long (eg losing screen time or not getting to choose on film night)
• added a reasonable eating time to chore requirements to earn pocket money
• sat in silence at the table
• sat in front room with tv/ipad
• left them to eat and see what happens, it took two and a half hours for a single slice of toast and it wasn’t finished!
• breaking the meals of the day into six smaller meals rather than breakfast/lunch/tea
• constant positive reinforcement for every bite

nothing has worked. Every meal is a fight of me saying eat and them ignoring me. I now dread meal times because it’s so long and stressful. At school they barely eat and then leave anything they don’t have time for. They’re a normal healthy weight, so not underfed or starving, but it’s because I have to fight for every mouthful. They love fruit and veg, I’m not forcing them to eat food they hate, it’s not fancy or complicated or terrible. And it’s the same when we eat out too.

if you’ve managed to read to the end, thank you! It’s been quite therapeutic to write even if I don’t get any responses!

As hard as it is you need to not get too stressed by it. I know this is easier said than done but that will lead to anxiety and will cause your child to feel even less like eating. Are there any sensory issues or just a lack of interest? I’d just offer the food then remove it if not eaten but don’t make a fuss about it. Your child won’t starve themselves they will eat or ask for food eventually. You could ask the GP to run bloods to ensure they are not deficient in anything as anaemia can affect appetite so thus would need checking. Make sure your child takes age appropriate vitamins too. Good luck I know how hard it is as my child was like this. Now at age if 21 although still picky eats a lot better.

It will pass.
My DD, also a slow and very particular eater has improved over time. She is a teenager now and was talking about this to me recently and said it was mostly because nothing really tasted that nice and it was a complete chore to eat. Food literally went round her mouth over and over again and she struggled to swallow.
Her palate and appetite has shifted and she now enjoys food more and feels hungry.
She has quite a few issues around sensory stuff and food and I've always tried to keep mealtimes a neutral experience and sit and chat with her. If your DD is healthy and a good weight - well done, you're doing fine. Keep offering her food she will eat and be patient.

Ok I know this sounds really dumb and it sounds like you've tried all sensible methods but have you tried eating by candlelight? Some people are swearing it is helping fix fussy eating. Could be utter bullshit but surely worth a try at this point?
Other ideas off the top of my head - serve meals to the middle of the table and adopt a help yourself attitude
I've also seen people put foil over the table and just tipping a full spag bol onto the table for everyone to dig into.
Just break the cycle a bit and get them thinking differently about food? Just thinking out loud really.

Sandwiches or toast into fun shapes with cookie cutters.
Eating two foods that shouldn't go together eg. Broccoli and marshmallows on same plate.
Pasta and sauce, serve separately, put sauce in egg cup.

Fav food? Literally give them just that and each day add something different. Then what they proffered or ate and switch. So for example
First day chicken nuggets
Second day nuggets and sweetcorn
Third day nuggets and chips
Fourth day nuggets and baked beans
Oh they ate all the beans too... brilliant
Fifth day beans and garlic bread
Sixth day beans and wedges

Etc etc

I have no advice but feel your pain. My now 12 year old DD was like this from birth. Never really wanted her milk, only really likes raw carrots and apples consistently. Wouldn’t eat pasta or potatoes or rice or bread until school.
funnily enough she’s not exactly a fussy eater. It’s more than she is just never hungry. She’s probably asked for food about 8 times in her life.
People always say to leave her and she’ll eat when hungry. But I have tried and tried with that and it will be about 3/4pm before she’ll decide she wants something and it’ll be an apple or carrot 🙄
and inevitably before then there will have been some sort of emotional melt down because her body needs food!!!!

I have no answers, it’s soul destroying and every meal time is spoilt by me having to remind her to put food in her mouth and blimmin eat 😩

@Notenoughdollarbucks that sounds just like mine! I hadn’t realised but they never ask for food, never hungry. And they’d choose fruit over crisps/biscuits etc any day of the week

thank you all for your advice! There’s no known additional needs or sensory issues (one of my older children is autistic so we are very aware of that!) I like the idea of candle light, like you say, something a bit different!

Putting too much pressure on them probably won’t make it better long term - so maybe try and take a bit of the pressure off for a bit and have a reasonable discussion with them explaining why it’s important they eat healthy food regularly and how you can make that process as pleasant as possible for them?

My son was like this and still is at 11. Just not very interested in food, will happily go hungry rather than eat. Wouldn’t mind but he’s tiny ( unsurprisingly). I too have to prompt him to keep eating throughout a meal. He is a bit better than he was tbf. It’s very upsetting when all other Moms of boys this age laugh together about how their sons never stop eating etc.

Agree with others to make sure food and meals are not associated with stress. I think we would be further along with his eating if his arse of a Father hadn’t associated food with anger by yelling at him over his eating.

Youngest DD was a bit like this at that age. I didn't use to let her stay for a nursery lunch as I knew it would be an issue for them when she didnt eat, she'd get to about 3pm before she'd eat anything.
So I accepted that she was a twice a day eater and stopped trying to have three mealtimes. She either had breakfast then evening meal, or light lunch/evening meal. This seemed to work much better

Then I'd give her whatever we were eating alongside something I knew she'd be guaranteed to eat (pasta & sweetcorn in her case)
No fuss, no comments, no excess praise, just a relaxed mealtime at the table.

She's in her teens now and has a healthy three meals a day appetite apart from the holidays when if she has a lie in, she'll often drop down to two again.

Just go with her appetite.

Please stop turning meal time into a fight.

The slow eating is a control mechanism, your child is struggling and rather than support you are hounding them. Please please stop.

My dd is 11, I am almost certain she has ARFID following food allergy testing as a toddler. Terminology used by the first hospital's medical team wwre things like "making you sick", as a result dd grew to think that so much food would make her sick that she stopped eating almost entirely.

I have done all the things you have. I came close to destroying my mental health and hers. Until I stopped and heard what dd was saying and I talked to her new medical team. There advice was leave her to it. She was growing, putting on weight and all her bloods showed she was healthy.

Give him a time limit of 30 mins and then take the plate a way. Don't argue, don't make a fuss. Just tell him that is what will happen. Follow through without any fuss.

Don't refuse pudding if everyone else is having it. Give them thw pudding and repeat the same process. It will take time but it will help.

Once he realises you aren't angry and he learns to relax around food it will improve.

Dd still has days where she doesn't eat. Today for example, she has had a croissant for breakfast, a few cheese savouries for lunch and not had anything for tea. Yesterday in contrast she ate 2 croissants, half a 12" pizza and then 6 rounds at an all you can eat place.

The more stressful you make the atmosphere around food the worse the situation will get.

Have you tried asking her why?

Have you read “the explosive child”? I have two autistic kids and it’s popular with parents of autistic children so thought you might have. I know that “exploding” is not the problem here but the premise, ie of solving problems together might help.

Possibly she has issues with introspection senses so an OT might be able to help.

It sounds incredibly frustrating though. Hope others with more experience can help.

Are you sure this is a problem that needs to be fixed now? I know it's frustrating when lovingly-prepared food goes to waste, but does it necessarily require a response from you as opposed to waiting it out?

If your child is a healthy weight and has enough energy, I'd probably let them not eat for a bit, i.e. put the food in front of them and remove it when dinner is finished. If they're hungry later, I'd have a limited range of items available (non-sugary cereal, a banana, toast). But don't fuss and just ignore the issue entirely unless they start losing weight rapidly. Remove the stress from you and them. One thing I would do, though, is stop any snacks in the lead-up to dinner.