welcometomynightmare

[welcometomynightmare]

The title says it all.I can't remember the last time i was happy.
I have quite recently been treated for breast cancer,and still have side effects from the treatment.I am soon due another mamogram,and am bricking it in case it shows more cancer.I havn't felt well for so long now.I have this strong feeling that i have cancer somewhere else in my body.I just can't shake the feeling off.
I feel my life is a real mess.Before the cancer diagnosis,i was recovering from a life changing accident from which i still have serious health issues.
To top it all,my relationship with my boyfriend is going down the pan.He has no empathy for me.When i was diagnosed with cancer,he didn't seem upset at all,all through my treatment he had no words of comfort.He left me to just get on with it.This made me feel completely unloved,to the extent that feel no emotion towards him at all.I don't sleep with him anymore and havn't for some while.We don't live together.We don't have conversations really,he just visits at weekends sometimes and we just seem to go through the motions untill he leaves again.
I don't really have any support in real life,or at least no one that i can talk to about my fears and sadness.I feel that everyone i know thinks that i should be back to normal now after the accident and cancer,so i just put on a brave face.Underneath though i feel so sad and miserable.My life has never been a particular happy one.I have had several relationships that havn't worked out due to DV,adultary,controlling.They have always started promising,then as time as gone on,the true selfs has shown itself.I no longer trust anyone.I have always been a people pleaser,so i know i am to blame.
So i have reisigned myself to the fact that my health is just going to get worse,and that i will be on my own for good.I do feel depressed and worthless.
I used to be a very capable person.Now i feel i am just exsisting.I long to go to sleep and not wake up.I really get nothing from life now.
Thank you for reading,if you got this far.I don't really know why i wrote this.Maybe i thought it would help to just put things in writing.

You need a community of people around you. Can you join a religious group or something similar where there's a mix of local people you see every week? Maybe a club like a book club or women's institute.

If you tell your bf what you need from him does he do it? If you want to talk with your bf can you find something for you both to discuss like a film at the cinema?

.Thank you for your reply NewtonsCradle.I do see people,so i am not completely alone in that sense.,in fact people do tend to tell me their life stories which i listen to and show empathy and interest in.However,if i start to mention anything that i feel anxious about,i can teel they really do not want to know.It's always been that way though.
Sometimes i have had arguments with my bf,and said that i am not happy,and that maybe we should go our separate ways.He then puts in some effort for a while.However it doesn't last long and we return to he can't be bothered again.😞

Read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Think you can watch on You Tube too.

Sounds perfectly natural that you're not simply "snapping out of" cancer treatment. Possibly a group with other survivors might help. Also time. And it sounds as though you're doing the right things --getting out, seeing people, etc. Don't blame yourself for feeling upset by something as upsetting as cancer and an accident!