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Original poster

Help me bond with DD 9

29 replies

Junestepe · 15/09/2024 16:48

It is painful to admit but I don't have a strong bond with DD 9. I work v. v long hrs/am the main breadwinner. As a result DH does all morning stuff, school pick ups, dinner, homework and is generally always around. Thankfully they have an amazing bond. I am less present due to long work hours. At the weekends I make sure to all the activities. However things with DD and I are less natural, I feel our conversations are forced, driving to activities I often feel like I'm interviewing her, rather than having a natural mum and daughter chat. We often drive in silence as she not want to chat :( :(

How can I make our bond deeper?

I desperately want to be a good mum.

Not to drip feed we also have a DS 14, thankfully we have an extremely strong bond that I worked so hard to build through days out, chats, making him nice dinners etc

My own mum died when I was in 9 and I had a v lonely childhood, so I feel I don't have that reference point, don't often know what a good Mum does :(

My daughter does not seem interested to engage, and does seem to emotionally need me in the same way My DS does.

Does anyone have ideas, words of wisdom, little tips, gestures, conversation starters on how I start to build a relationship.

Dd likes
Music/Taylor Swift
Books especially. Warrior cats
Her friends :)
Horses

Thanfully she's a happy, independent, fun loving & confident girl.

I desperately want to have that lifelong bond. I often feel I could die and it would not matter too much to her. I would never articulate that thought IRL.

Any tips to deepen our connection?

What did your Mum do to make you feel special and loved?

Also working less hrs is not an option.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Lifeasweknowitisrandom · 15/09/2024 17:35

Little notes in her packed lunch box, take some selfies in different places and print her a photo book, read to her at night, if she has a phone, you could send her little voice notes e.g. I've just seen X and I thought of you, cook her favourite food once a week, have a mum and daughter spa day, take her horse riding, if you struggle in the car could you get some audible books that you know she'd enjoy.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 15/09/2024 17:38

Have funny conversations with her. Point out a bird or something and say that looks like it’s called blah blah then make up a whole story about it. I used to do this when dd was younger but she still finds it funny now.

SeaToSki · 15/09/2024 17:42

Try and think of things that she knows a lot about or is into, and ask her to teach you about them

Try and find a shared interest you can learn together

Can you take her into work one afternoon, so she can see what you do..and then go on to dinner together

Find a tv series you can watch together

try not to push it, be available but dont be needy 🙂

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds 9 year olds Families
Imicola · 15/09/2024 17:42

My mum used to take me for a day out in the big city. We’d go shopping, then have lunch somewhere nice and it’s always something I enjoyed and have remembered.

StanleyCup · 15/09/2024 17:46

Keep doing the daily nice gestures, words of kindness and loving actions, even if she doesn't engage trust me she will appreciate it.

Ask her if she wants to come along to some of the activities you enjoy for yourself, she might find it boring or she might find it interesting and grown up even; let her get to know you too and let her know you want her to be a part of things you enjoy. Not to be stereotypical but clothes shopping, make up/jewellery shopping. Afternoon teas/coffee shop dates. They are our day to day but for her it might feel like a special ‘grown up’ activity she shares with just her mum.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 15/09/2024 17:48

She likes horses, does she ride? I hack out with DTs and get way more info out of them when we're out.

Original poster
Junestepe · 15/09/2024 19:48

I love the idea of making the photo book, she has a birthday approaching soon, this is such a thoughtful idea. This will be perfect. Also love the audio books and having a girls shopping day.

Please keep the ideas coming. Thank you.

OP posts:
needhelpwiththisplease · 15/09/2024 19:58

Movie nights with popcorn and drinks
Games nights
Just going out for a hot chocolate
Baking together
Ask her if she would like to do a jigsaw or craft project or Lego. Something you can do together

Bugbeau · 15/09/2024 20:36

If she loves Taylor swift, me and my daughter had a lot of fun preparing a little party where her and three of her friends watched the eras tour on Disney plus. We went shopping for food and friendship bracelets sets and decorations. Made bracelets and sweetie kebabs, made little party bags. We also listen to Taylor swift a lot in the car and sing along!

MuggleMe · 15/09/2024 20:39

Is there a TV show you could both get into watching together? My DH and DD watch dr who, a friend with slightly older daughter watches Friends... Shared in jokes, regular activity.

Original poster
Junestepe · 16/09/2024 14:54

Gentle bump, would love more ideas and feedback please.

OP posts:
Lifeasweknowitisrandom · 16/09/2024 15:04

Junestepe · 16/09/2024 14:54

Gentle bump, would love more ideas and feedback please.

I wouldn't do too many different things at once. Build it up slowly or she'll maybe feel a bit like things are different or feel uncomfortable

Iamthemoom · 16/09/2024 15:29

So many good suggestions on here. I'm a working mum too with DH doing the same as yours. I think the things that bonded us must at that age (and even now) was sharing a love of a tv show together. Friends then Gilmore Girls were the first series we watched just the two of us and fell in love with. On a sat morning I'd say let's watch two episodes in bed with breakfast on a tray and she loved that. We'd talk about the show all the time and watch whenever we had time together to squeeze in a few episodes. Since then as she's got older the shows have grown with her, we've loved shows like One Tree Hill or Friday Night Lights or Gavin & Stacey. Bake Off and I'm a Celebrity too. Mainly comedy or warm dramas. A few suitable reality shows. I tho k keeping it wholesome and warm helps. They are our special thing Dh has no interest in and they definitely bond us.

We also do a ton of other things together btw shopping, nails, theatre, cinema, cooking, baking, coffee out etc but snuggling under a blanket watching feel good tv has been the winner!

stanleypops66 · 16/09/2024 15:44

Are your weekends full of structured activities? If so can you cut them back a bit so that you can spend more quality time doing things together?

At that age my dd loved (and still does) being pampered. We'd get face masks and aromatherapy oils and I'd give her a massage. She would do my hair and I would do hers. An activity where you can build your bond through touch is really important. She also loved movie nights with popcorn and getting cosy. At 13 she still loves those things and dh often gets booted upstairs so we can have our time.

Frozenberries · 16/09/2024 15:47

My dd loves baking with me and watching bake off. She loves going to a cafe for a hot chocolate together, dancing together and watching films and playing a board game with me.

SecondFavouriteDinosaur · 16/09/2024 15:59

I have a 9 year old and her favourite thing to do with me is for us to have a ‘TV night’ where we watch random programmes like ‘is it cake?’ or ‘the great family cooking showdown’. She likes us having an ‘in thing’. I have 3 children and one is disabled with high care needs so she really relishes that time.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 16/09/2024 16:02

You sound like a great mum OP. The fact you care so much shows that you are. Your kids just have very different personalities, but your daughter is happy, confident, has friends, doesn't give you too much trouble, works hard at school - you are doing something right :)

If she does horse riding regularly, make sure you get to watch her special events, and make a day of it. Take an interest in what she is reading, and get her to tell you what's happening in the book, and do new things together (theatre show, ice skating, day out etc).

lightsandtunnels · 16/09/2024 16:03

So many good suggestions here already. These are all things my DD and I have bonded over in the past so I would say ...

Bake together
Definitely girlie shopping say with a couple of cafe stops - this was and still is my DDs favourite thing to do!
Beauty therapy day? Appreciate she is only 9 but some pamper days are for young children.
Find a box set of series to watch together or a movie
Book a short trip away just the two of you.

Have you had therapy at all OP? Would definitely be worth exploring this, I think, with a professional.

Bootskates · 16/09/2024 16:04

I have a DD same age and she loves me taking her out for breakfast (usually pancakes). Leaves the rest of the day free for whatever activities she has on/stuff she wants to do with friends and just generally feels a bit more laid back/chilled than a lunch or dinner

Comedycook · 16/09/2024 16:09

Does your DD enjoy cooking or baking? We do heaps of that...choose something to make, trip to the shops for ingredients, get home and cook together, put on some of her favourite music while you do it.

Comedycook · 16/09/2024 16:11

I also find with both my kids, watching funny TV shows and films is a great way to bond... laughing together is awesome!

Original poster
Junestepe · 16/09/2024 22:26

So many great ideas. I'm not great at interacting on these forums but did want to thank everyone who put time and thought into these answers. I'll start to plot things out and see if I can find a tv show that could become our thing. What I'm really trying to aim for here is to weave little things into our lives where I get to know her more and make sure she feels loved. I probably should look at therapy as well, but don't even know where to start.
Baking, having our TV show, shopping trips, breakfast in bed all sound really lovely. Thanks again.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 16/09/2024 22:42

You often find that the age you suffered a trauma..losing your mum..can be very triggered by your dd being that age. You mightn't even be aware of it but somewhere there you are seeing yourself at that age. This is a very difficult stage so don't be hard on yourself. Having some counselling for yourself around this time may be a help. Your dd sounds like a well rounded young lady so you both have obviously brought her up well. I think doing some work around your own experience at 9 may get you past this stage.
Is your dad still here? Do you talk about your mom? It must have been a huge blow for you as a little girl.

SeaToSki · 17/09/2024 00:12

If you want a TV series to watch together, try This Farming Life. There is something about the cute lambs that appeals to my DD and the more gritty reality of farming life that makes her feel a bit grown up.

GalaticalFarce · 17/09/2024 00:35

I agree with watching a tv show together. Has she seen Free Rein on Netflix? I watched that with my Dd at that age. Make some pop corn and snacks/ hot chocolate and sit next to each other on the sofa.

Go for a trip somewhere. Have lunch and a browse around a bookshop.

Go for afternoon tea

Talk to her about her books. Ask her about which cats she likes and what's happened. I used to ask my Dd about random cats in the street and what clan they might be in. She'd tell me off and explain how that's a kitty pet (or something) and could never be in a clan. I'd make up the cats name and tell a story about it.

Tell her about your life too. What you do at work, your colleagues, where you go when you go for lunch or meet friends.

Go for a bike ride together. Try to fly a kite in a park. Play tennis. Go ice skating.