What's wrong with me.

[Amiodd24]

I don't know how to word this. So sorry if it's hard to read.

At the moment I'm not in the position to work. Children with special needs and other stuff etc.

But sometimes I think at some point it may be nice to get a little part time job. It would be a basic type job as I have learning difficulties.

I used to work in a school kitchen. And I hated it so much. Not the actual job. But I sort of felt scared of the other members of staff . I don't know why. I never fitted in . I don't know how to make general conversation. I felt like everyone hated me thought I was weird .

In the past where I have done a course or something like that I have felt simlar I feel like I don't belong and I just can't put my finger on it.

I feel really churned up and really scared . Its not something that fades either.

If something changed tomorrow and i had to go and work the thought of it would sent me over the edge . And I know that's not normal.

😭

Have you thought about doing cleaning? It's generally a lone working job, or perhaps there might be just the two of you. It's out of general working hours as well, so fewer people around. You can also visit people's homes whilst they're out at work, so you'd be by yourself.

Dog walking and holiday pet care are also other options. You can even combine the two. I'm autistic and I do stuff like this and I love it. Can you drive?

No I don't drive.

Cleaning was also what I thought of. E.g a housekeeper at a hotel, school or office cleaner, or a cleaner for people’s houses. You just get on with it!

It's still people though. Especially if a hotel type place.

Even if I was fantastic and happy to be around people the jobs would be the same anyway because of my learning difficulties ie kitchen work, cleaning etc. It's more about the panic and the churned up knotted feeling I feel around people.

But if you're cleaning in people's homes they're usually out at work. There's not much interaction when you're cleaning in other places either because most people just ignore cleaners as they're background workers and there's no particular need for interaction.

Your generalised anxiety problems - the knotted up feeling - can easily be treated with medication (A beta blocker and/or an SSRI). Is there any chance of you learning to drive?

I wish I could drive . But honestly I'm not safe on the roads. I have failed my test 8 times in an automatic. I last had a 1 off lesson about 5 years ago and almost ran someone over. Never again . Wish I could though.

You could still bus or get a lift to a place of work, although cleaning work is easier if you're mobile.

I can't get a lift I don't know anyone. And I would never ask anyone for a lift. Also even if i could. Its not something you could ask every day .

I feel a bit like this around "normal" people. I'm autistic.

I find some environments better than others, for instance creative pursuits seem to attract more unusual people.

Maybe you haven't found the right workplace with the right group of people. They can vary wildly. I've had many workplaces and they've ranged from awful where I felt like noone liked me and I felt paranoid, to ones where I've made friends and there is a nice supportive culture.
Also you might benefit from some counselling or CBT to explore if there are patterns in how you think about yourself and others, which might not be helping.

Counselling/CBT is not that easy though there's probably a really long waiting list.

It's not just work type things . I don't really have friends because of it. I had 1 friend. And she would invite me places for her birthday or just generally and I always say no . We just text now and then now.

No it's definitely not easy, and hard to find a counsellor that works for you. It's worth a try though, ask your GP.. or search online for cbt programs to do by yourself. I'm not saying it's the answer to everything but you never know what might help.