Do you do the "wife work" in your friendship group?

[Overcover]

I have a mixed group of friends through a sport. I'm quite strong in the sport, so the people I train with are mostly men, plus one woman with a very hectic social life and one woman who works about 80 hours pw!

I've realised I'm doing the wife work for all of them!

For example, we're going away next month and it's me who's researching transfers from the airport. We're going out tonight and I'm the one who's checked the train timetable, I'm the one who suggests and organises a lot of the outings and often, even when someone else suggests something, I'm the one who makes it happen.

No one's asked me to, it as in my marriage if I don't no one will and we probably won't end up going, or everything would be organised chaotically last minute.

I don't mind, as such. It's my skill set/comfort zone to do it, I have the time, and they contribute to the success of the group in other ways, but it is an interesting self realisation, that I've let this happen.

It doesn’t sound like you have let it, more like you want to. Nothing wrong with that, some people are natural organisers.

My friend is that. Shes the organiser and we attend. Shes a do-er and loves it!

Just to add, we have a friend who does this. He never asks for help, just gets in with it. We assume he likes it as he’s never said anything or asked for help.

I wouldn’t call it ‘wife work’, it’s just planning and logistics. Some people like it, some don’t.

One of my girl friends is the absolute superstar who does this. Plans, organises, updates, gets money etc. We all 100% appreciate this and never take it for granted! For her 30th I took on the role and my goodness it's not easy!

We all have accidental roles, I do everyone's hair and makeup, one girl has a massive house and always hosts the parties, one is absolutely the kid's entertainment and makes up games etc!

It's how our little village thrives!

Now you have noticed this tendency it may start to bother you. I stepped back from bing the one person in a trio that always took the initiative. No one stepped forward. As a result we see much less of each other now. It’s a bit sad.

Work wife!!! I hate this term.

Do the partner's of the men you train with know they have a "work wife"? It puts a seedy connotation on what , in the case you describe, is an entirely innocent relationship with them.

I think it's often the case someone takes it upon themselves to be the organiser of the group. You say you have the skill set and you don't mind doing it. So I don't see a problem. The only problem would be if you no longer wished to fulfill this role and no one else was willing to fill it.

But describing yourself as a work wife! Seedy. And also demeaning of the role you are fulfilling.

Whether it's a problem depends on if they take the Mick or appreciate it I think.
This is often me cos I'm a natural organiser, I don't mind if it's appreciated and the others contribute on their own way.

The OP didn’t say that, she said she was doing the ‘wife work’ not that she was the ‘work wife’

I wouldn't call that wife work. Just the person who likes organising and has the time to do it work.

No I didn't call myself their work wife, that's not what this is at all. I do the admin around our joint outings for them (and the women in the group) that's all.

Oh I'm sorry I misread it. Think red rag and bull when I saw those two words together.

But if OP thinks she is doing " wife work" then she surely is assuming she is in the role of " work wife"?

I don't understand why anyone would use such language about the type of function she is performing within the group.
It's just so demeaning.

You've totally missed the point.

I do it. I'm a natural planner and like, if I'm honest, being in control. I also find haphazard plans very stressful. Also, I'm the only one of my friends group who doesn't work now so I have more than enough time to plan anything.

Thankfully my friends are more than happy to let me get on with it.

Have I?

I thought OP said she has taken over the organisational work for the group . That this has crept up on her and no one asked her to do it. But she doesn't mind doing it and has the skill to do it.

As far as I'm concerned it's work that can be done by a man or a woman. The fact she is a woman should be irrelevant. If she minds the fact that as a woman she is doing the work then obviously she stops doing it and let's the group flounder on until someone else, man or woman, takes up the role. As she says she doesn't mind doing it then surely she just carries on doing it .

If that isn't the point please explain.

I am! It gives me something to really put my focus into and I find arranging things so much fun. I love the planning. If its a hobby, it's mine.
Especially this time of year, the dc find the magic in everything and i really love that for them.

I even end up arranging trips for my pals that I can't even attend because they're pretty lazy and will not go anywhere and moan then they've not done anything, but mostly I really enjoy it.
I can't attend lots of things like hen parties or even nights out, but if any of my pals go on don't tell the bride it's a given I'll be helping their partners 😂

What I have done in the last few years since lockdown which left us all unable to do things on the fly anymore, with my friendship groups, dp's and our mutuals is a WhatsApp group and I post the plans I make, so days out I'm arranging to bbqs I'm having and tell everyone to let me know if they fancy coming with us or want to come over on nights we've got the bbq out, that way I know in advance how many to prepare food for or if we're going somewhere that needs to be accessible for friends who need disabled access etc.
Funnily enough I've been planning my Christmas menus for drop ins and our Halloween/Christmas light shows etc today so I'll write everything up, if anyone wants to come I get the dates best for those who want to show up.

I'm throwing a pumpkin carving and spooky afternoon tea afternoon for the kids, doing a bonfire party and around Christmas I'll have days people can pop in for feeding. I'm pretty excited.
(Because I'm clearly a ten year old! 😂)

@Neverstophoping

Yes you have. You misunderstood in the first place, then when you realised your easy to make error, rather than saying oh gosh how silly, you have doubled down on this nonsense

@Neverstophoping "work wife" and "wife work" are totally different. You're complaining about apples on a thread about oranges...

Do you truly not mind doing it? content to commit the time/effort?

Overall do you feel OK about the balance of the time and effort you put in, others put in and what you get from it?

If yeses then that’s fine.

If some nos then you have other options.