I don't want to be rude or difficult, but...

[Overcover]

There's a male "friend", who until a few weeks ago was in my messages constantly, too much really. We were just friends (afaic) but we shared a lot of things, I trusted him as a really good friend, we'd both been through a similar difficult time. We also did a hobby together.

I don't know what happened, but suddenly he was texting less and his messages were less chatty, factual rather than opening a conversation iyswim. He also stopped coming to the hobby. He hasn't been in touch with others who know him through the hobby either.

As we were so close I tried asking what was wrong and he insisted he was fine, just really busy. He does have a compex personal life, which I have no desire to become embroiled in. So I've left him be and haven't contacted him for weeks.

He's in a chat with other hobby friends and through that I know a monumental (good) life changing thing has happened. I've replied, as everyone else did in the group, "congratulations" , but nothing else.

A few weeks ago, he'd have told me before everyone else and we'd have had a good chat, with me being just as excited for him as he is.

It feels rude, or as if I'm making a point to deliberately not contact him, but if I do, it's entirely possible he'll just send a bland response. There's also a part of me that thinks he really might not be OK.

But, I should leave it?

If he’s got married, having a baby, found a new girlfriend, that’ll be why you’re hearing less.

But, I should leave it?

Yes.

Have you posted about this before, OP? If not, it's very similar to another thread. I believe the consensus there was just to leave it alone, distance themselves and let the friendship drift to a far less close position.

I think that's pretty good advice. He isn't as close to you as you believed your friendship to be, that's why you didn't know his news in advance of anybody else. A close friend would have told you.

It would help to know what the life-changing thing is @Overcover Is it a new baby?

I was trying to be cagey, but it leaves too much room for guesswork. He's had a grandchild. Separated from the grandmother.

Baby has only arrived in the last few days, so doesn't explain the last few weeks/months.

No I haven't posted on this one, the news has only come in the last couple of days. But agree probably good advice.

I knew it was imminent, I was the first person he told, long before he was supposed to be telling anyone. I'm well aware our friendship is no longer what I thought it was.

Honestly as a grandad he wouldn't be so busy with a new grandchild like a granny would.
My cynical cold heart says he realised his flirting wasn't going to get him anywhere with you so got bored and moved on. However, if he is depressed or such like then he sounds surrounded by many people who can help him. Kind and caring as you are, I feel you've done enough and should be up to him to get in touch.

Perhaps he's also got a new girlfriend and is texting everyone a bit less?

Well, what is your gut telling you to do, OP? And what is it that you actually want to do?

Is the split something that is part of the 'good news' for you?

He's got a new female in his life and she doesn't like you two being so close.

No, the split was more than a year ago.

I think the decent person in me would send another "really pleased for you, expect you've got lots on, hope everyone's OK, but here if you're not" kind of message and tbh I probably would do that if it was one of my female friends who'd become distant.

I know he's prone to periods of not being OK.

The less decent part of me thinks I CBA with the drama or with being ignored.

I would do this!
No harm in it. The rest is up to him.

Hmm, it's been up to him not to contact me too!

I'd go with the 'less decent' part of yourself. It sounds like you've been jollying this friendship along to me. You're invested in it, he isn't. Let him be and if he deigns to contact you as he used to then think about whether you can actually be bothered.

I wouldn't be. I'm a good friend but I have very little tolerance for flaky and wouldn't put up with feeling 'used' for when there's not a better option but me.

I think you're feeling side-lined and that you deserve better. You do. Relegate him to wherever your other standard friends are.

If you know he has bouts of depression it changes things imo.

maybe: so pleased to hear your good news. I was a bit worried you’ve been quiet and maybe not ok but didn’t want to pester you. Here if you need to chat. Enjoy the baby, overcover

I don't think I am invested in it now, perhaps I was, but until the sudden change it was definitely him who was initiating contact much more than me.

But yes, that is how I'm feeling and I'm cross with him. That in itself bothers me and I don't want it to be that which makes me not do the decent thing iyswim.

Yes, that's it. He is someone who works hard to "smile and wave" when he's struggling and now he seems to have stopped trying, at least with me and the people I know. Lot's of people have asked me if he's OK. They all assume I'd know. I am worried about him, but also have no intention of imposing myself where I'm not wanted.

I suspect he's not OK, but I don't know why and it could be that he's stepped back from me to protect himself. Or it could be something else entirely, being overwhelmed at the prospect of becoming a grandad, work, difficult separation still being worked out, or all of the above. None of which I can actually help with anyway.

I would make one more attempt to contact him with your concerns - don’t make it about you. If he doesn’t open up, accept it and don’t proactively make contact.

Why should the OP centre this 'friend' again? She really shouldn't. Women are so conditioned to be the 'make it righters' and 'gloss over' other people's' poor behaviour.

It's not all about HIM, ffs.

Yes you're right. Actually, that's a bit "scales falling from my eyes".

What @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe said.

With the caveat that I withdraw from even my closest friends when I’m low. I don’t want to talk about it, but neither do I have the energy for the kind of ‘performance’ of okness that would be involved in a conversation about something else. BUT my friends know this, and I tell them I’m stepping out for a while and will be back when I’m feeling stronger and if they need me because something bad is going on with them, of course I’ll be there. I don’t leave them hanging.

OP said that's how she would treat her female friends. I don't see the big deal.

I would probably send one last message, just to have a clear conscience really, so for my benefit, not his.

dear XXX not heard from you much recently. Hope all ok and let me know if not. Shout if you want to meet up before (hobby) sometime

Not necessarily, in the run up to a grandchild being born my Dad was busy helping me sort the house out and so on. And when the baby was born he was there to help out just as much as my Mum, especially as I’d had a caesarean and my Mum didn’t drive.