If you're single do you have a network that fulfils the role of a DH?

[Overcover]

I once had a lovely husband, we were a good team and our combined knowledge, skills, personality traits meant we faced the world pretty well together.

When he died, whilst there was a lot I could easily manage, as I already did most child, garden and finance things, I had a lot to learn about home and car maintenance, for example. I also find there are a lot of things much easier when there are two of you. E.g. taking the car for a service and having a lift back, moving a piece of furniture, picking a parcel up from the post office you can't park outside.

I have developed a lovely network of friends since and have quite a good life. Not the one I'd have chosen, but I'm happy enough. I've asked one for some advice this morning, about a car purchase. He's agreed with what I was planning to do, but it was good to have someone to talk it through with.

It has occurred to me that in small ways, my friends combine to provide much of what DH contributed to my life. I've got others I'd call for a good rant, or a hug, for example.

Is that lovely....or awful?

Why would it be awful

No idea why you think it would be awful. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would say you're lucky. I either don't do something or pay a professional (moving furniture, garage drop off)

Me too

I don't know, it just occurred to me that I'm "using" these people, in that they are useful to me. I'm not sure what I'm contributing in return.

Are they not your friends as well?

Regardless, if they've helped you, you would hope that if they needed something you could offer they might feel they could come to you. So useful in that respect if you like.

I was about to say what a gorgeous post this is before you even posted the question at the end.

The mark of a good marriage is that it's worth more than the sum of it's parts, so there will be a special indefinable quality that your network can't fulfill - but it's testament to your good nature that you have friends who support you with all the other life stuff.

@Overcover I get where you are coming from! Try thinking of it like this - by asking someone's opinion you are giving them the opportunity to a) impart knowledge and be helpful and b) feel good about themselves for helping!!

No I don't have this network but it would make things so much easier. If my car is in the garage then I get the bus home. I pump car tyres, check oil etc myself. Furniture moving I just have to do inches at a time. I once had to lift a sofa over my garden wall by myself. I just had to do it. Not much fun mind you. I hate it when it comes to big purchases as it feels like a lot of pressure.

Life is definitely trickier without a partner or a network.

I think it's great that you've developed your group of friends who help each other and I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

Yes, but you would if they needed you wouldn't you? And if so, then it's ok, I'm sure you're a lovely person (only a nice person would question this) and so they probably like having you around.

I'm single but I've been single for a very long time now, lol. I also chose it in the end. I have some really good friends, they are a long distance away though so it's a little tough at times, those things you've mentioned, like right now the light has gone on my car and so I can't drive at night at all and I have a poorly relative I have to visit and leave late. Sometimes I feel panicky about those things but I just tell myself to do the bare minimum, like I will just leave early until it's fixed and make preparations for that etc. Always happens just before the weekend so I can't get anyone.

I think building a network is a great idea. I have a guy at the garage that helps but the car always goes wrong at the weekend lol. So your post has made me think, if there are 2 or 3 people to call on even better and that way no one is having to do enough for you that they feel the weight of it and can enjoy the friendship instead.

What a lovely post. Of course it's not awful, or using anyone. If anything, it helps to bring you closer to the people around you. I've learnt so much since my DH died and I do things very differently now. Whilst I wish I still had him to stand beside me in my life and I miss him deeply, I take a lot of satisfaction in being strong enough to stand alone. One thing I've done is buy a smaller house and lighter furniture! I've become more minimalist and try to live as simply as I can. I've worked out my own systems to make things easier, learnt how to manage my finances, and am proficient at diy. Most importantly, I've invested time and energy into good friendships. I doubt I'll ever remarry so those friendships are the best way to future-proof against loneliness. It's mutual - I hope I give them things they need too.

It's lovely that your friends help.

I've been single for 13 years. I have a group of tradesmen who I've got to know over the years, Dave the plumber, Mark at ATS, Pete the tree surgeon. All of them know I'm on my own, all of them will turn out at almost no notice.

Plus I have friends and sisters for real emergencies.

Everything else, I do myself.

I had absolutely nobody when I was a single mum so I just had to become extremely self reliant. I can do anything now.
DS as an adult is also very self reliant.

I have a handyman I pay. He's someone I know as a friend too, but I decided early on I wasn't going to have friends doing actual work as favours for me. It's more when you need someone to go with you somewhere, or someone to talk to.

Having a network rather than one person means the load is shared and they all have their individual role. E.g man I spoke to about the car would be useless for anything I'm stressing over re DC and horrified if I called him for a good cry 😆 but there are others I can do that with.

Most have them have partners, so they don't need me in the same way, but I try to be there for them when they do.

I do have very good friends but they provide emotional support rather than practical.

If I need something doing to my car, it goes to the garage. House is a handyman or tradesman. I just have to pay obviously.

I don't have them doing "jobs" for me. It's the smaller things it's hard to pay someone to do, pick up a prescription, hold a ladder, practical advice and yes, the emotional support