I like him, it's just the drink...

[Overcover]

An interesting discussion with friends when we'd all had a drink

These particular friends are all likable affable drunks, probably a bit too loud, but still kind people with basically the same personality, but fewer inhibitions, when they've had a drink.

We were talking about an aquaintance. Very accomplished, funny, charming, kind...when he's sober. After a drink, he's racist, sexist and cheats on his wife. He drinks often.

One friend was defending him, saying we all do things out of character when drunk, but I don't think that's true. I think alcohol removes the manners/inhibitions that prevent our real character coming out.

For example, I'll dance on tables after a drink, I love to dance sober too, but only in the kitchen/ in front of people I'm very comfortable with. I hold quite strong political views, which I can bite my tongue over sober when the company dictates, but will come out after a drink, but they are the same views I hold sober.

So, I think the drunk arsehole man is probably the real man? I've never met a nasty drink who wasn't also nasty under pressure.

I agree with you.

A drunk is the same person they are when sober but with the inhibitions removed.

That's why I can never understand how a lot of posters on MN say they will forgive their partner a drunken ons or kiss as though the drink makes it OK. Whereas in fact the drink only gave the courage to do what they were afraid to do sober.

A drunken kiss is trickier IMO. I think we all have people we might kiss if we could, but sober we know we can't. In the drunken moment, I think a fleeting kiss can happen becuase it's just a natural response, taking it further is a decision, even if you've been drinking.

So you want to kiss that person when you are sober but don't because you are frightened to upset your partner or because you dont want to be seen doing it , or whatever. But if you do it when you are drunk because you no longer care about upsetting your partner etc and the kiss seems like a natural response then aren't you proving the point? The drink is allowing you to carry out a cheating behaviour that you wanted to do when you were sober .

I agree with you. I get quite rambunctious when I'm drunk but it's just giddiness and excitement. When someone gets angry or aggressive, I think it's their personality coming out, especially when it's every time.

‘A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts….’

No, I don't want to kiss them sober because sober I don't want to cheat and I recognise that's what it woukd be. I can see how a very fleeting kiss could happen with someone you find attractive, as a response in the moment, but it's not something I've ever done.

I'm not talking about a full on snog.

I'm not sure it is 100% that way, as I've done stupid things when drunk and had beer goggles on, e.g. slept with someone that I would never have dreamed of when sober. So I don't think it always figures that is what we would be like sober without inhibitions. Changes of attitude though, racism or whatever I think you're right. And I am not saying here that cheaters should be forgiven.

i don't agree in all situations,
as my stepson was hugging a mop last time he was drunk and i'm certain he doesn't really have strong feelings for the mop when sober

I don’t agree that’s the case for everyone , the person I am drunk is not me. However that’s why I don’t get drunk so I do wonder with him if being drunk allows him to be who he wants to be otherwise surely he wouldn’t drink…

Sort of, except that alcohol is a dissociative and a depressant and distorts things.

You see the world through roughly the same eyes as when you wake at 03:20 and lie there worrying about how shit your life is.

No, but he probably is more in need of a hug than you'd realise sober 😆

If alcohol affects his behaviour in such a negative way it sounds like he's got a problem. It's not necessarily that he's a living breathing testicle and the sobriety is preventing his true colours coming out. It's just he does not accept his limits, and basically he shouldn't drink. It does not agree with him. Psychologically. He also may have quite a few personal problems that he's trying to mask by drinking to excess. He's clearly self destructive when drinking. So the fact he carries on doing so is a massive red flag. In terms of addiction, rather than he's an absolutely terrible person. Though of course that could play a part in it.

I feel like I've muddied the water with the kiss thing. Probably the example I'm thinking of is that a friend gave me a full on smacker on the cheek as we said goodbye last weekend, whereas sober, it would be an air kiss at most.

He's just good at keeping the nasty, racist attitude under check during the day whilst sobre. But the thoughts will still be in that vile little head of his.... Hope his poor wife knows about the cheating at least and gets STI checks regularly....

Exactly. When he's sober he knows he'll be judged poorly for voicing his attitudes. When he's drunk he doesn't care because alcohol is a disinhibitor, so his base thoughts come out.

But let's say that's not the case. Let's say that when he's drunk his personality changes completely and makes him do and say things that he'd never even think about sober. If so then his sober self must be horrified at his drunk self and he'd stop drinking.

Given that he continues to drink that means he's either content to behave that way when drunk, or he's an alcoholic. Or probably both.

I don't agree, I think alcohol can make people act completely out of character. The same person can react differently to different drinks - I know someone that no longer drinks vodka, for example, because it makes her argumentative. No other drink has that affect on her.

Alcohol affects your brain chemistry, after all.