finding your tribe at secondary

[sillymartian]

DD started y7 last week. She enjoys her time at school and knows finds her way around. She is the only girl from her primary to attend this school.

DD makes friends easily but for some reason her friends soon tend to move on to other girls, usually this is someone dd is also good friends with. I know the term on MN for this dynamic is to be ‘wendied’, and it's happened to her a few times. She is not the most extrovert child but she loves being part of a group, she’d like closer friendships but doesn't know how to get there.

She hasn't had a BFF type of friendship in primary but is well liked although usually on the outside of the groups she is part of. She is also often the one who doesn't get to partner up with the girls she'd like to partner up, e.g. when they go on school trips, PE lessons or group work. This was her story at primary and now history is repeating itself, or so it seems.

How can I help her? She is my pfb, how do I stop stressing about it? Any social skills tips for finding good friends at that age?

When did you find your people in school? And how did it happen? I want to give dd some positive stories as she is a bit subdued and grumpy.

My ds has just gone into year 8. When he started in Year 7, he was hanging around with the children from his primary. According to him, there was no one new to make friends with, as they were all naughty 🙄. Over the course of the last year, this changed. He's now in a group of 5 boys who aren't from his primary. I think for you dd, it's very early days. What are her interests/hobbies? Does the school have any groups she could join to make friends?

Everyone said my son would “find his tribe” in secondary school but he was bullied so badly had to take him out it was awful

I'm sorry @Clumsy12345 that sounds awful, I hope he's having a better experience now and can be himself and feels valued. @Alwaystired23 that's good your ds must feel quite settled. Do you know how he went about creating his friendship group?

My DD is a bit like this, has also just started Y7. She is more comfortable with 1:1 friendships rather than groups. I think she finds groups of girls a bit intimidating. She has a close friend from primary school in her new class, plus several other girls from her old school in the class. Then various others she knows of from primary (was a 6 form entry Primary) are scattered across the year group, plus lots from other schools. She says all the girls in her form group are friendly and nice so I am hoping in a bit more time, she will branch out. She is going to sign up for a few school clubs too and that will open up some new friendships in time too, hopefully! It’s very early days so don’t worry too much.

I agree it’s very early days. At the moment my y7 seems to be hanging out with different people each day. I guess there may be a few “instant best friends” at this stage but they probably will change/expand in time.

Does the school have many clubs? Those seem to be a better bet for meeting kids with similar interests, plus it’s an easier way to socialise for those who aren’t confident than just hanging out in the playground.

I’d also encourage one or two clubs outside school as friends/acquaintances outside school can be very helpful for a teen who feels like school friendships aren’t going well (as happens to almost everyone at some point).

It's very early days. Id expect a bit of jumping around to begin with. Dd1 has just started year 9. Sounds similar to your dd, there were four from her primary school. We've had a few friendship hiccups/issues but I'm crossing my fingers she seems to be settling with a couple of like minded friends. Slightly quieter/quirkier.

I met my school best friend in year 9. Thanks to a seating plan in French. We had a common extra curricular activity and just clicked - we had been in classes together previously but not really spoken much. We are still friends now.

First half of y7 mine were still with their primary friends, somewhere between Christmas and Easter of that first year I started to hear 'new' names taking over from the primary crowd and by the end of y7 those 'new' friends were much more prominent than the old primary crowd.
Clubs definitely help but they don't run for the first half term here.
When I was at school if you were without a group from primary you could 'latch' on to a another single or group until you found your feet as were weren't setted until the second year (Y8) and you could sit where you like in class but it seems harder at DCs school as they may only have a couple of lessons with kids from the same form and they could be sitting next to different people in every class as they are seated by the teachers.
It's very early days - she needs to keep chatting to different people until she finds those with shared interests etc.

Definitely early days. My DD struggled for various reasons last year in year 7, definitely found herself on the outside. She’s gone into year 8 with a positive attitude. I collect her from school and twice now I’ve found her hanging around and chatting outside the gates with some girls. Last year she’d wait in school until I arrived. I hoping to see things turn around for her this year.

For me I was ok at school and got on with various people but it wasn’t until year 9 I found my tribe, I think a lot to do with that was my older cousins left the school so I had to find my own friends as my cousins were always around looking out for me.