Death of Parent grief

[Howcanis]

How long did it take you to 'get over' the death of a parent? my grief seems to be getting worse, not better, it has been 6 months.

my mum was late 70s and had dementia for 5 years before she died. so it was expected. I cared for her, so at first I'm ashamed to say there was some relief. not all selfish though, it was a miserable and terrifying time for her.

now I am close to tears, all the time, constantly. and I feel sad and guilty

Sorry to read of your loss, my personal thought is everyone is different.

Following on from losing my mum 25yrs ago, five months after her passing I had to get help from my doctor who prescribed anti depressants. These helped me cope with everyday functioning.

I was still in this bubble for four years after mums passing, until I found a breast lump at 36yrs old that thankfully was not cancerous, it was after this time that I realised I had to start thinking of myself and my children who were primary school age.

I hope things improve for you 🌻

Five years since my mum died and I am still enduring the weight of grieving. Grief is individual and there is no correct answer/timeframe on how long/much we should grieve. Be gentle with yourself 💐

Around two years to get over the worst of it, but it never really leaves.

My DM died a couple of weeks ago, aged 69 and from a brain tumour.

I'm an only child and, although family and friends were very supportive, it did/does all fall to me in the end. The relief was immense, which obviously made me feel terrible, but not for very long. Caring for someone is really tough. And yes, some of the relief is because they're not suffering anymore. That's been a big part of it for me.

Everyone's grief is different. I grieved more when we got the prognosis, once it actually happened I was okay with it. Still am, but it's obviously still very early days for me. But when we found out she was dying I cried for days on end. It's all normal, I think.

You did all you could to show her you loved and cared for her, OP. You were there for her when she needed you the most. That's what's important.

Take care of yourself, she would want you to

First, as PP have said, there's no one, single way to grieve. Everyone experiences grief differently.

Second, there's also absolutely nothing with, and no need to feel guilty, about feeling relieved when your loved one dies. Especially if they've been very ill and suffering.

It might be worth asking your GP if you can access some bereavement counselling, so you can talk things through with them. I found it very useful (and reassuring) when my mum died.

I'm very sorry for your loss

thank you all for replying and sorry for all your losses. I think I just expected it to be easier because it is normal for parents to die isn't it.

It took me a good 18-24 months for the grief to stop literally scrambling my brain.
Its 10 years now and although the loss is still palpable on birthdays and holidays it doesnt disrupt my day to day the way it used to. Its not constant anymore, just when im reminded.
I think mine eased off and began to be something i was accustomed to after a couple of years.

I was v close to my mother tho, and she was like a best friend + she died before her time so although death of a parent is normal - it still hurts.

Years ago, I read a thing that suggested grief lasted a month for each year of knowing someone. And after DM died, I found myself emerging from the fog at around that time.

I had a toddler when DM died and was aware that I was grieving differently to how I might want to. Eight years later, DD received an award as she left primary school and I couldn’t tell my mum. That set me off on a private bad year.

I don't think you do "get over" the death of a parent, you just learn to live with it, it's ten years for me this year and it does get much easier as time passes, but it's still there.

about 2 years for me to feel like myself again OP. ♥️hang in there

I remember someone telling me that grief was like a well- sometimes it was nearly dry, but it just took a spot of rain and it was full again.

the point being it wasn’t linear, but rather an ebb and flow.

There’s often no reason why you’ll have good days and bad days.

Ive heard a few people say that’s what makes work so difficult- everyone is so sympathetic for a week or two ( sometimes when you least need it), but then they just forget about it, so don’t understand why you’re having a bad day after being fine for months.

My dad died suddenly 5 months ago and I’ve not got any better , GP won’t prescribe me any medication at all so I feel like I wander about with all these horrible emotions and try to avoid people as much as possible because I’m not a great person to be around at the moment . It’s a really horrible bewildering experience and I think for me it feels like a part of me is missing all of the time .

You don't get over it. You learn to live with it and it comes in waves when you least expect it.
My dad died suddenly Father's Day 2018 and it's the worst physical and emotional pain I've ever felt in my life I just wanted to die literally and I remember crying at work and saying I just wanted it to be 5 years from now so I could feel different and what's scared me the most of it all is how fast time goes, and 2019 following the death I vowed to myself to LIVE and really enjoy aspects of life and do things I wouldn't normally have done and 2019 I would say was the best year of my life. You will feel a sense of normality once you start to remember all the things about your own life and what you like doing and you start to get memories of the best times rather than the sad but also getting glimpses of the not so best. I really wish you well on your grieving journey. I also used cruse bereavement service if that helps any.
Take care xx

I think six months is still early days....sorry for your loss

About two years to stop feeling sad all the time, but then I had other things kick off. Looking after remaining parent also diverts attention. You don't really get over it though, you learn to live with it and it becomes a part of you. You need to focus on the happy memories and know that you carry them with you in who you are.

Hi OP, I know what it’s like when you just want an easing of the misery and I remember looking for answers to this myself. So I’ll tell you how it was for me:

First couple of months I was kind of on autopilot and was often inconsolable although at time I sensed huge relief. Used to wake with palpitations and in cold sweats, I was properly in shock. I was also exhausted, grieving is so emotionally draining and I spent days on the sofa just watching garbage because o didn’t have any energy. I let myself have a day a week like that and weaned myself off. I went to the gym as much as possible because it really helps process grief IME. I stopped drinking alcohol completely because I so worried about having some sort of breakdown. I kept a grief journal and listened to griefcast which is a podcast about grief. Highly recommend those ideas.

The next few months I had a lot of panic attacks and developed some sort of agoraphobia, eg I couldn’t bear the sound of checkouts because I could have flashback to ICU. Felt too exposed to stand in the school
playground, it was as though all my confidence had deserted me. I felt more grown up and more vulnerable and young than ever in my life.

Also, woe betide any old person who happened to be in my field of visibility because my mum also died before her time. I was just so angry. ANGRY!

so I went to grief counselling which helped hugely - if you have the money, a few sessions will help.

First anniversary was tough. It’s when the permanence really hit me. I’ve not been able to bear to look at photos of my mum since then which is really sad. I started having terrible dreams but they eased off after a few months. It was like I was really facing it all. that lasted about three months.

I am now coming up to the second anniversary in a few months and I’m really depressed. But it’s not the same panicky raw grief of before it’s just sadness really. But I am fine really, it’s not disrupting my life to the extent that I feel no joy. I’m exercising like a demon and still don’t drink - I think both of these have really helped my recovery. But this will never be a happy time of year for me now and I’m accepting of that.

People say the waves get further and further apart and they do IME.

Ap sorry for you loss. It really is a bumpy road.

It was more than two years before I wasn’t regularly dissolving in tears. Now most days I can talk about my mum, think about her, look at photos, without crying and feeling submerged by grief

I still have my moments - recently I made a recipe she gave me that I’ve not made in a decade, and the smell and taste took me right back. I cried, happy tears to remember how much I loved her, and sad tears because I still miss her; she was my best friend and one of the best, most underrated people on planet earth.

Eventually you learn to live with the grief and that space in your heart that never gets filled up again. You can be happy again, you can have whole days you forget why you feel fundamentally sad all the time.

6 months is nothing OP and it is so so hard. No two people have the same experience.
So sorry for your loss

I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your Mum.
Given that your Mother is the first and arguably the most important relationship in your life I wonder that anyone ever truly gets over it. Grieving is a long process, be kind to yourself, it is early days. You were relatively young to lose a parent and your Mum too young to die. You cared for her and I know she would be grateful for that. I can only wish that I still had my daughter in my life, she was so special to me as I know you were to your Mum. Take care and seek help if needed.

For the first few months after your mums death, you would have been exhausted. So it takes a while to even get to a position where it registers. The first entire year is hard, second also but slightly less - 3 years on from my mum it is better.

Six months is very soon still and you are still processing it. I think the wave analogy fits very well. You can have times things feel 'normal' and then the following week can hardly swallow a drink because your throat closes with a memory.

It will take a lot of time. Tears will.come a lot. The memories you love will have you sobbing. I lost my mum Jan 2023. I am mostly ok but every now and then I will just get a smell, see a photo or just have a sudden real longing for her that has me in tears. I'm a lot more tearful generally since too.

The other day I went to the garden centre and just really wanted mum with me and to go to the cafe with her. Which trigger memories of us going on shopping trips when my eldest (26) was a baby and us going to M&S cafe to feed baby and ourselves. I was in floods of tears by that simple memory chain.

You slowly to live with it.

I can still cry 20 years on. like yesterday.

I'm sorry for your loss. Cruse are amazing if you need further support.
It's still early days.

My mum died at the end of February and I only feel I’m starting to grieve now. I think I had this numb not quite real feeling until a few weeks ago. Her birthday is coming up soon and I’m absolutely dreading Christmas. Dreading it..

My mum died when I was 11. I'm now 68. I think about her every day, I still miss her, I just want another cuddle with her. I haven't got over it. I've learnt to live with it. I know mum would want me to be happy. I try for her sake. My husband died over 2 years ago and that grief isn't as bad as the way I feel about mum and dad's deaths. It might sound odd, or horrible but mum and dad loved me unconditionally and that's what I miss.
I hope I haven't upset you. But I do think that the passing of a loving parent is worse.
It will get better, you will live with it. You will be happy again, you will remember the love given to you freely, but it takes far longer than you think. Take care of yourself, think about a lovely time you spent with your mum. She wants you to be happy.

thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, it is helping immensely.

I think I thought I was doing good because I could go whole days and days without thinking about her. I am remembering now that I blocked it from my head almost immediately after it happened. I couldn't take part in any of the preparation and choices for the funeral. couldn't look at the photos or listen to the music etc, wouldn't talk about memories with everyone else....my siblings and my dad did all that. I was an hour late for the funeral, I just didn't want to do it. so I am now realising that the reason I am not thinking of her is as a result of that. and/but there is an underlying sadness.

the sadness is growing and I am beginning to think about her MORE. So it's as if I am only now beginning to consciously grieve. does that make sense