Getting someone to give up, or cut down on drinking question

[VivaciousRadish]

I know everyone’s different but how likely is it you can get someone to change their drinking habits if they don’t seem to want to?

My daughter’s boyfriend is a drinker. He definitely drinks every day, and will finish a can of lager the morning after. It doesn’t seem to impede him doing his job, in fact I know he drinks during his shift as my other daughter has seen him in the pub during working hours several times. Also the other day I was looking after their baby while he was at work and daughter was away overnight, he picked him up after his shift and the smell of alcohol was very strong.

My daughter thinks he’s probably an alcoholic but that she’ll get him to cut down. I don’t think it works like that, and I don’t think he wants to. He didn’t stop smoking when she was pregnant

When hes not at work he’s sleeping or gaming. They never have any money.

Its really frustrating being a grandparent, I really have to tread on eggshells, and I know its not my place to say anything but I’m so worried

I just wondered if anyone had any positive stories

You can’t get anyone to do something they don’t want to do. Recovering alcoholic here, I didn’t really want to stop until I did.

What helped was people who loved me telling me how worried they were about me. Not trying to control what I drank. Not trying to make me feel bad about it. It took time, but I had to come around to the decision about it on my own.

That said, she has to put herself and her child first. Slightly different but Dh and I still had a good relationship through it all. I was still working and doing everything around the house and carrying a lot of the parenting load, even through the worst of it. If they don’t have a happy relationship and he isn’t being an engaged and present parent, the best thing for him may be for them to separate and him to work on himself and sort himself out.

Reaching out to Al-anon or another support group for families may be really beneficial.

Virtually impossible in my experience, he needs to get professional help & a life

You can't.

Thank you all

@mindutopia Thank you for sharing. You’ve done so well. My daughter’s trying really hard. She has an early morning part time job, but is finding it hard as her boyfriend is refusing to look after the baby some mornings. It was easier when the baby was less mobile, but he’s six months old, and very active.

At the weekend she was determined she was leaving, but her anger seems to have faded. Their relationship isn’t terrible, but I think a lot of it is because my daughter just does everything or it wouldn’t get done. It’s all such a mess

I didn’t think she could get him to change, but she’s so sure. There’s not much I can do but support her (and him, I want him to get better whether they stay together or not)

You can’t.

Experts know this - the rest of us find out the hard way.

Alcoholic here but now 8 years sober.

As others have said - not a chance. I made my family’s life a misery for years with my out of control drinking. I only stopped eventually because I did something so utterly awful when blind drunk that I was on the cusp of losing everything. It was a stark choice but a no brainer - and I haven’t had a drink since.

The only chance your daughter has of stopping his drinking is leaving him.It might be the wake-up call he needs. He won’t stop otherwise.

If a baby won't make him reevaluate it's not going to happen until he decides to change his lifestyle

Support your daughter to leave

@newyearsresolurion I will. I’ll do all I can. We were just thinking about doing something with her old bedroom, but not now. I want her to know she can always come here. It’s not a huge room but would definitely fit a cot.

Her sister moved home at Christmas too

It’s really good to hear how people have got through this, and I hope you’re so proud of yourselves. @PlutarchHeavensbee 8 years is incredible. I really hope all your friends and family (and you) have forgotten the bad times

Your daughter should not be leaving her child unattended with him. I would address this with her and support her to leave him, as quickly as possible.

Another friend of Bill here, with 30 years of sobriety.

I’m very fortunate in that I was recently in recovery when I met my husband, so he never knew the old me and our kids have always had a sober mum.

I second the recommendation for Al-anon for your daughter, OP. She can support him if he sincerely wants to stop drinking, but he won’t be able to do so without help, either as peer support or medical assistance.

Good luck to your daughter.

You won’t change him and nor will your daughter , I’d be encouraging her to come home with the baby rather than waste anymore of her life on this man .

I lost my late dp to alcoholism, you can't stop someone drinking unless they really want to stop, you can't cause it, it isn't your fault, it's up to them. I tried everything to stop him drinking, being nice, being nasty, challenging, begging, nothing worked. On the day he got told that unless he stopped drinking he would die, his reaction was to go straight to the pub & drink pints with vodka chasers & collect a pack of cider to take home with him. 4 months after he was diagnosed, he was in intensive care after an alcoholic seizure, 48 hours later, he died after drowning in his own blood after his lungs filled with blood, He was coughing up blood for 6 hours until he died, the doctors wouldn't sedate him so he knew every minute what was happening to him. Alcohol left me without the man I loved, 2 children without their dad, my ds without the person he saw as his step dad & his parents without their only child. Try & advise your dd to get rid of him, she can't change him & it could ruin her life, it ruined mine & my mental health, I still haven't recovered nearly 10 years later.

My stepfather was an alcoholic and he drunk himself to death at 49. He was a functioning alcoholic and in charge of a public transport system though he did not drive anything thankfully. He was a pillar of the community type. He also left us all suffering as he spent so much money on booze and I remember seeing him passed out on the floor many times as a kid. Plus some violent outbursts as the booze took hold of him. He was the most selfish prick ever and I was glad he died.

Your DD should leave him. I am an incredibly light drinker, it put me off. My younger half sister his bio child is also an alcoholic. Her absolute shenanigans are dreadful. No idea if there is a genetic element.

As others have said, you really can't make an alcoholic stop unless they want to. FIL has been an alcoholic for years, has had numerous accidents, got done for drink driving, has been found passed out and injured a lot of times, MIL divorced him over it, my husband hardly talks to him anymore and his own dad doesn't really speak to him either as he's so difficult

None of this has made him stop or given him a wake up call because he's not ready to face it

@Nat6999 Im so sorry for what you and your children went through. It must have been agony.

I can’t see a positive way out of this to be honest. My daughter’s very young and he’s 9 years older. You’d imagine he’d be the more mature one, but she organised the boat tenancy, paid the deposit, sorted his parking permit, does all the budgeting. I’m not sure what he does do to be honest. She said the other day that she didn’t expect to have two children at 23 - he really is like a big stubborn kid

Id happily have them back here but I need to tread carefully. At the moment talks to me constantly but if I say the wrong thing it might all go wrong

Al anon is a really good call. As is telling her not up leave the baby with him. I know she likes having a bit of money to herself, but if she did different hours I could look after him. I’m self employed, and could organise something

@AyeupDuck Thats awful about your stepfather. Your poor mum. i think there must be a genetic link, or it’s learned behaviour maybe?