SIL trying to ruin my relationship with DH

[Bonnie79]

In light of the DIL thread, one about SIL.

Like the DIL cutting off SIL, I’ve grey rocked mine for the past 6 months. Bring in her presence was causing me a great deal of anxiety and there were be a stream of constant digs when nobody else was within earshot.

It has taken DH time to understand, but finally he understands my reasons. I have told DH that I would never expect him to cut his sister off, but he must understand my boundaries. I would also never stop him visiting her. We live 5 hours away.

SIL told me I was “sealed up (sexually)” would try and take over as DDs mother - virtually snatching her away to do nappy changes without asking. Once this was when we were at a family meal. She made it clear she was in charge and her and her then 6 year old wouldn’t let me near my daughter in the restaurant toilets.

She has asked to borrow £15k of our savings via DH, sends him messages about remembering who his blood family are, being rude about my own family and screaming at me in my own home and threatening to punch her brother in the face. She has made comments about me to my own DD and has tried to create a rift between me with DD and DH. She calls him when she knows we are having quality family time.

MIL is upset that I’ve grey rocked her DD and refusing to acknowledge that what SIL has said has been so out of order. I’m refusing to let SIL have any unsupervised access with DD because of things she has said to her about me.

It is SILs birthday and whilst I thought DD understood he has asked if I can FaceTime his sister later with DD to wish her happy birthday. I’ve flat out refused to do so, but now publicly I look like the bad one because on the extended family chat I’m the only one not to wish her a happy birthday. I did take myself off but it was commented on that I just have accidentally removed myself.

Am I in the wrong for grey rocking her and what will it take for others to understand why I’ve done so without the judgment?

No you are not wrong for the stance you have taken. Id have nothing to do with her and keep it that way. If your dh wants a relationship with her then that's his lookout

She sounds very childish. Does she have no life of her own?

This is the weird sister who wants to be the mother of her brother’s child, right? She’s a fucking lunatic.

I did the same with my FIL and it's the best thing I ever did. I got a weird reaction from the rest of the family...they were initially supportive of me, then went into a kind of denial that I'd cut him out. Everyone kept asking me to be involved in things to do with him, like celebrating his birthday, sending him birthday messages, asking me to take my dc around to see him etc. and then seeming confused/surprised/irritated that I was continuing to exclude him from my life. I think they assumed I would fold and back down to him, and it was also inconvenient to them for me to not want anything to do with him. Deep down, I think they all wanted to do the same as me but didn't have the stomach for the fallout so basically they wanted me to back down to him (and be like them) rather than continue going no contact with him and make things uncomfortable. My BIL once told me how much he admired me for standing up to my FIL and it had been eye opening for him, making him realise how effed up the family dynamic was.

So anyway, your SIL sounds vile. It might not be a popular choice within the family to cut her out, but it's your decision to make and they can like it or lump it. Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people.

Haven't you posted about this lunatic many, many times? You've always gotten the same responses from what I remember.

I’ve flat out refused to do so, but now publicly I look like the bad one because on the extended family chat I’m the only one not to wish her a happy birthday.

Op, why in the fuck would you possibly care what any of these people think? They are all an absolute nightmare who should be removed from your life, and especially that of your child. And, as ever, your husband is a massive, massive part of this problem.

You've had enough, now you need to hold your boundaries, with her and with your DH. Every time someone tries to make you see your SIL or tries to involve your DC you say No. Your DH finds it difficult because he's grown up with her and is used to letting his DSis have her own way, you need to be the voice of reason, no great emotional reactions, just a calm and factual No, that's not happening.
There's far too many people out there who think family can do no wrong, even when they can clearly see it's not true

Why does he want you to facetime her?

I don't really understand why he has asked you to do that?

Tell your DH his sister is toxic. If he wants to see her that's up to him but you don't have to allow her anywhere near your child. Don't worry about what other family members think. Their opinions are not your problem. They are unlikely to take your side against their own relative. Bear in mind that if you end up splitting with DH, he will allow his sister to be around your DD when he has her and there won't be anything you can do about it.

Yes, if he is really supporting you, he can just do the FaceTime with his daughter

This sounds like my SIL. Always little comments, behaviours and she totally ran roughshod over her parents. About 4/5 years ago an argument happened after I had to see her and long story short it almost split me and my DH. She was calling him and offering support and not a word to me, even though she leant on me all the time. I sent her an email asking her to be nice to me moving forward, as it was causing problems for me and DH and stop with the things, and I haven’t spoken to her since.

its been bliss and I was at the point where I had to do it (after ten years off the same sort of thing you describe). Now her mother who sadly enabled her is incapacitated and the other people can see her a little clearer, and she and my DH are at loggerheads. All her, she has not forgiven him for letting me call her out and she hasn’t laid eyes on her nieces for all that time. Only pretends she’s desperate to see them when someone is around to feel sorry for her, not desperate enough to do what we asked (to actually arrange with my DH and not a poor outer family member roped in for sympathy).

The key to this is your DH should be able to have the relationship he wants with her, I never influenced mine, but it has to be respectful to you. I cannot bear to hear her voice now and I will not be in the same room. Drives her mad I see it through. My SIL is a covert narc so cries and screams when things don’t go her way (although she’s 50).

You will be the bad person, easier you than her. His family will accuse you of trying to take him away… I was prepared to lose my DH if he sided against me and I adore him. It’s a painful road and we will still argue about her to this day, it’s only very recently he sees how incredibly toxic she is and the smiley happy one is just a mask. But she’s still his family and it’s always going to be hard.