Feel like I have failed my child

[Year7Mumof1]

This is going to be long sorry!

My DS year 7 last week. He is my only child although he has a sister from his dad’s side who he is really close to. His dad lives a hour away but he’s really involved. We live with my DP.

DS is a lovely boy, funny and kind although he is very quiet. He’s never had a lot of friends, throughout primary school he had 1 good friend until he got to year 6 where he made a nice little group of friends. We have now moved about 10 minutes away from his primary school and DS has started a high school that no one from his class has gone to. This was always the plan since he was in nursery (not the house move but what school he was going) as it is a good school.

Ds Is really chatty once you get to know him but comes across as really shy and doesn’t have much confidence despite me trying his best to instill as much confidence in him as possible.

We have moved to a lovely estate with plenty of kids on. However he won’t approach any of them to ask if can play football with them, I can hear them playing on the green in our village and yet he’s playing in the garden alone.

He hasn’t made any friends at school yet, I know it’s very early days but he’s been having his lunch alone which literally breaks my heart. He gets the bus to and from
school but there are no other kids from our village who go to that school they go to the one 15 minutes away so he doesn’t get the bus with other kids.

I feel like I’ve totally and utterly let him down. I am a really chatty person who makes friends quite easily and I feel I should have helped DS be more like this. And putting him in a school which I thought all the other kids in the village would be going to (I also went to that school and loads of my classmates lived in this village!!)

Im sorry this is so
rambling. I’m encouraging him to try different water school clubs and I know he’ll find his way, I know he will he’s a lovely boy my I feel like I’ve totally let my son down and he’s going to have no friends and grow up lonely. God I’m literally crying typing this, I swear I’m a rational person 🙈

Bump

It is extremely emotional to worry about your kids’ emotional and social wellbeing, please do not be embarrassed or ashamed that this is affecting you!

Take a deep breath though. I promise you, things will be okay and get better.

If it helps, I was like your DS; lived in a slightly rough area and my parents wanted me to go to a good school instead of the local one which all my friends/class went to, while I went off alone. Was also out of catchment so didnt have anyone to travel with. I was also like your DS in that I was friendly and happy when I knew someone, but painfully shy and quiet with new people.

I will admit, the transition was quite hard, and I also spent the first few days feeling alone and awkward. I was quite lost in it all, but I did eventually not only make friends, but become quite popular!

One thing I will say, is not to worry about not having “taught” him to be more social. It is down to personality, and the best thing you can do is encourage him to be himself and be comfortable and confident just the way he is.

He will get there x

Also just to say, I had to get there on my own and didn’t really have that much support at home (not my parents fault really, I was evasive); your son is lucky to have a mum like you who is looking out for him!

My parents did this to me. Moved house between junior and high school so I went to a high school knowing no-one and had no local friends. Left all my friends from primary behind. In the high school, I was the only child in the entire year not to come from a local primary school.

Everyone else there had at least some friends from primary. I remember spending every single break by myself for years. I just got lost.

It was really awful and it took me a good couple of years to make friends. My parents didn't really think through the impact that it would have on me.

My dd was the same we moved suddenly when she was 6 took her a good couple of years to make friends. She doesn't have a massive group of friends now but she does have a few good ones. The kids used to play out the front of our house but she wouldn't go and ask to play. I went and asked them to come and ask her themselves, explained we were new to the area, which they did she initially declined but after a while of her thinking about it she did go out there.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do in regard to your child being shy. Being shy, I believe, is also not a character flaw in the slightest. Although, it can sometimes make life more difficult, since society puts such pressure on people to be extroverted. My whole family is shy and introverted, I truly believe it's genetic.

Not that I'm saying this is the case with your son. However, I would not feel guilty. He will find his way. Just don't make him feel something is wrong with him for being on the quieter side. I only recently have come to accept I'm a quiet, shy person. In accepting this, I am so much happier and don't feel like a constant failure. Nor am I trying to be someone I'm just not.

You can work on his confidence and gently push him to join group, make friends. But as its secondary school, he will have to find his own way. He'll make friends, I'm sure of it.