Struggling to motivate myself to do much outside home

[AmyFarrahFowler1]

I’ll try to articulate this as best I can. I’m just really struggling with motivation to do much of anything outside of the house or away from my kids just now and I’m wondering how normal this is.

I have two kids (8 and 10). I work, mainly from home but I make myself go into the office once a week. During the week the kids are at school and they have various clubs, sports etc after school. Life is busy.

My husband and I have a good marriage, I’d say. We’re a good team and both do a lot in the house, for the kids etc. However we don’t have much childcare on hand so we don’t get out together very often.

So this is my life now. Kids. Work. Housework. Kids clubs/parties. Which I think is quite normal but I’m really struggling with motivation to do much else. We had a rare opportunity to go out without the kids on Saturday (husband organised it) and while we had a nice meal etc I was counting down the minutes until I could just get back and be at home with the kids. It doesn’t feel like anxiety. It’s like I just couldn’t be bothered with it all. I was tired and self concious and just wanted to be home.

Husband goes out with his pals sometimes, maybe once every couple of months. He’ll go to the football sometimes. I never really go out with friends (and if I do, I dread it and hope for it to be cancelled, even though I usually have an ok time once I’m there). This is my choice though.

i am generally not keen on leaving the kids. Again, no particular reason for this. I just like to be with them. Husband is keen for us to start getting back out there (his parents have just retired and should be more available for childcare) but I have no energy or enthusiasm for this.

Basically I think I have become a tired, dull, boring person who just doesn’t want to do anything any more. Is it just me?

It doesn't sound normal to me, but then your life in general doesn't sound normal to me. Bluntly, it would depress me. Having my own life away from DS, DH and work has always been non-negotiable.

Why don't you want to be away from your children for a couple of hours?

You don’t think it’s normal for your life to be kind of dominated by kids, work and housework when they are still quite young though?

it’s not really about not wanting to be away from them. They’re fine, it’s healthy for them to be away sometimes, I recognise that. I’m just more comfortable when I’m here with them. It’s hard to explain.

This is me too. Only I’m single. For me it’s partly being disabled now, it’s so difficult to go anywhere or do anything, and I can’t afford to do anything much as am now PT at work. I’ve just given up. I don’t see things improving so I’m just existing for my child.

What did you like doing before the kids?

I completely understand lacking the motivation to get dressed up for dinner. But is there something else you’d prefer? Cinema, nature walk, beach, a class or gym?

FWIW I think it’s quite nice that your husband organised the meal and wants to do things together. I also think it’s normal that you’re struggling with getting out of the house. Maybe start with ‘casual’ things - an ice cream and a walk, garden centre & quick lunch, day time cinema trip.

It's not abnormal for your life to be dominated by house, kids, work, etc. It's abnormal to not want anything else. I'd be climbing the walls if that was my life! My friends and my own personal interests are very important, but then I'm an extrovert. Are you an introvert? Do you suffer from social anxiety, depression, agoraphobia? What about your energy levels - are you frequently exhausted? Honestly, your state of mind doesn't sound normal to me at all.

I used to enjoy going out and socialising or I’d go to the gym. But I had a really full on job (that I was probably a bit obsessed with to be honest) so didn’t have a lot of time even back then. I changed my job when I had my eldest because it wasn’t family friendly enough and I wanted to be more present for her. I took a big step back.

Ten years on and I’m a fat bore with no self confidence. I’m not sure how this happened.

I don’t think I’m agoraphobic. It’s not anxiety. I still enjoy a wander round the shops etc. it’s motivation. I probably am quite introverted these days. I didn’t used to be. I don’t have many friends. They all moved away when we finished uni and I stayed here.

I am quite socially awkward. It never used to bother me but it really does now.

@AmyFarrahFowler1 I read your post with complete understanding; it may not be 'normal' to many, but who's to say what's normal? Really, only you can say. If you're posting you might think you need confirmation, one way or another, and I wonder if you always preferred more to stay home than go out, even before kids came along?

Everything you say sounds familiar to me and I know several mothers, friends, who have always felt the same, and some who have felt like being home more since the pandemic.
There's a pattern that's familiar to many: being invited out, fretting about it, wishing it to be cancelled, and then when you go, being glad that you did, even feeling good about it, till the next time.

Your life is busy; work, home life, being there for your kids, home duties with your husband, it's as busy as you'd like it to be, and your kids are your priorities right now and you support them in all they do.

The 'problem' lies in your husband wishing to get out more, with you, and recognizing that his parents would be happy ( I presume) to stay with your kids.

I can only suggest getting out in bite-sized increments: coffee out for an hour somewhere, a walk somewhere nice and nearby, a bit of shopping together, a visit to someone you enjoy being with.

I do believe couples need to keep communicating, and it's almost impossible to do with kids around. Short times out might be enough to make you feel more motivated to get out a little more as you get used to it.

I hope you find a comfortable fit, that suits both you and your husband as your kids get more into their own lives.

Thank you so much for this. Yeah, I will work on this. It’s not fair on him if I just decide not to go out and socialise with him. There needs to be compromise.

i’m just in such a rut. I need to pull myself together.

@AmyFarrahFowler1 I'm sorry most of my post was a repeat of what others have said, not much new and improved to offer you. I later read that you did used to go out, so it seems you just are enjoying this part of your life being around your kids and that's a good thing! They're fortunate that you're prioritizing them at this important time. I think if you go out for short times with your husband, you'll both feel good about it and you'll have those important times to talk, chat, and communicate. "Life is a Dance" and it sounds like you know you're about ready to try some new 'steps', I think you'll be fine!