The feeling of just wanting to go home

[piscofrisco]

I'm laid up in bed with a very bad back. It hurts. A lot. Ive had to call in sick which has not gone down well. We are having endless issues with dh's ex wife over the DSS's. She is high conflict and it's affecting dh's mental health badly. He is off sick today and I can hear him being grumpy with the dogs downstairs. Both my DD's have had a falling out with their Dad who has let them down badly in a way they don't deserve and we are all very sad about it. This on top of four years of awful stress, a house fire, dd getting attacked and the fall out from that.

I just feel like I want to go home. I don't even know where that would be anymore. My mum is 86 and doddery, my dad has dementia. They are 200 miles away and wouldn't be able to help. I'm 44 and I just want my mum I think... does anyone else ever feel like this?

if i were you

id want to set up home with just me and my children.

the way you are feeling…. your own DDs are unlikely to ever feel unless you change what their home life is

You are having a really tough time of things OP. Sorry to hear that. Back pain won't be helping I'm sure. Remember this is just one day, try not to let the past few years worth of things take over today. Your partner is unwell, there's a lot going on and you're in pain- no big decisions need to be made today. Try to rest as much as you're able and be patient with yourself. Sending a hand hold and a gentle cuddle.

Thanks for that jetbot. But given my DD's have both just said they won't be going to their dads again (their dad is not my dh) because they would rather be at our house where they know they are loved and prioritised id suggest you are wrong.

Thankyou @canwestopwiththenameshaming you are right. It's all worse because I can't get up and sort things out I'm sure. Just feeling very sorry for myself.

How horrible to kick a woman when she's down, jetbot.

OP it sounds like you're having a particularly difficult time at the moment. Focus on getting well. Write lists of stuff to decide and do when you are better, then try to put them to one side for now. Take it all an hour at a time.

I can relate to that feeling of wanting to go home but home no longer existing. I feel the same when it all gets too much. It's a signal to put your own oxygen mask on first

I think jetbot was very direct and quite harsh but there is a bit of a point there. Your DD's home lives are being compromised by your new man's conflict with his ex which is making him grumpy. You all having to live with a conflict that has nothing to do with you must be affecting all of you, including you OP. Wouldn't you be able to provide them with a more stable and happy home if it was just the three of you?

oh @piscofrisco it sounds like you have an awful lot going on and you've reached the end of your tether physically and mentally. Firstly, forget any guilt about calling in sick. We are all replaceable, and your time off will be forgotten in a matter of weeks once you're back at work (I do get that horrible dread you feel when you've called in sick - but it is temporary). It sounds like you are all being put through the mill - I agree with PP that suggested planning some nice things to do as a family when you're feeling better.

As for the feeling of wanting mum / wanting to go home, I can definitely relate. I've had horrible pregnancy sickness and one day just found myself sobbing and saying over and over "I want my mum" and "I want to go home".... whilst at the same time thinking what am I on about?! It felt very primal and almost like grief. My parents are still around, I could have easily called up my mum, we're close and I'm sure she would have talked it all through with me.... but I didn't... I kind of knew that what I wanted in that moment wasn't anything that they could give?! I think it must have been a deep yearning to return to a time when I felt completely safe and it's a moment that is somewhere in the past. It was a very odd feeling but it did pass. I still think about it now and wonder where it came from!

Oh Jesus. How are their lives being compromised by living with a step father they love who happens to be feeling a bit low at the minute for good reason? They are 18 and 17. Both doing well. Do give it a rest.

@jetbot

could you take a day off of telling everyone you know better than they fo about their lives?

@Itneverrainsinsocal Thankyou-that's exactly it x

@piscofrisco

big HUG.

Give yourself the day off from worrying, about anything! Even the dogs will be fine if he's just being a grumpy arse & not actually doing anything that will harm them. Maybe the girls can walk them when they're both home.

i get the primal I want my mum/I want to go home. It's deep. It's not literal.

cry if you want to, it's good for you.

you can address all the issues another day, today you just need to be kind to yourself and try to get your back better! You need to move about, just resting your back won't help, even though moving might hurt. It's the best thing for it. Obviously gently, go make a cup of tea. Pat the dogs, don't dig the garden over! Give DH a cuddle xx

You are home OP. You sound like a happy family and even DH grumbling at the dogs is part of that. Get signed off by a GP as you are stressed and maybe depressed. Go visit your parents. Have a break somewhere. Pamper yourself. Treat your family. Just little treats will help. Look at what you’ve already dealt with. You are teaching your DD’s resilience. Learn to second guess the ex wife and be ready for her. Enjoy your family 😀

can you just go to your parents place and look after them for a week or two, i’m sure they would love to have you. Just go by yourself. Just for a change of scenery, and breathing space.

I can't because I can't get up at the minute. Dr coming shortly to give me some sort of heavy duty Painkillers I hope.

And in any case, work, kids, dogs. Can't just leave it all for two weeks x

I think I'll feel better after the dr comes if I can at least just get up and have a shower maybe.

I definitely get this feeling, and you've been able to put it into words better than I could, so thank you!

I feel this way when I’m fed up of being the grown up. I don’t want to go and live with my dad but I want to be in an environment where I am not the adult.

Where everything doesn’t depend on me, when an adultier adult will step in and make the decisions for me. When I could be ill or in pain and someone else will look after me.

It’s tough OP and I bet it’s worse because your DH is ill too. Both adults being ill always tip us over the edge…

I can sympathise, OP. Last week I had a bit of a family crisis with one of my teenagers and the overwhelming feeling I had was to go to my grans house. She passed a long time ago and I've had plenty of hard times in the years since but on this occasion, I just felt that cosying up in her house, in her company would somehow help.

Yes, I think many people feel like this when they are overwhelmed. I read a thread on here ages ago about wishing or saying out loud 'I want to go home' and the poster questioning what it means. Others suggested it may be that when we say to ourselves 'I want to go home', it's more of a feeling and it just means you want to go back to a place of safety, where you're not responsible for everyone and everything and there is someone else to take the burden from you.