How to tell DM that she's too ill to do something?

[Rhubardandapple]

Apologies if that title made no sense!

Desperate Daughter here looking for advice.

DM has a lifelong illness, she has good days and mostly very bad. I've faced countless situations before when she has refused to get in an Ambulance / go to Hospital despite us nearly losing her 3 times. She refuses some intervention and wants to live an independent life but realistically isn't always well enough to do so.

To the point, she's having a really, really bad week with her illness - too many details are outing but it's so sad to see and I can tell she's struggling. But I cannot say a word about her condition without being faced with defensiveness and anger.

Tomorrow we're due to go to London for the Day and see a Show. We don't live close so this involves a long journey by Train (quickest way) and obviously lots of crowds, walking, general hustle and bustle of the City.
I don't think she's well enough to go, she's shuffling at best and will not use her Wheelchair.

I (gently) approached the subject this evening and she was fiercely in disagreement "I'll be fine!".
I don't know what to do - I love her very much and am genuinely so worried about the Day ahead, we're miles from Home and I know how difficult it is going to be for us both.
I also know how much she wants to do 'normal' things so I feel absolutely torn with the situation

Would you tell her you're not prepared to go with her unless she takes and uses her wheelchair? Let her know how hard it is for you, instead of making it about her, and how worried you are.

I would be having a look at where all the mobility places are in case you need emergency equipment for the day, where you can rest, break the day up into walking a little then getting a seat somewhere, all the public transport you would need etc.

I feel for you and your mum, it must be so hard for you both 💐

A lot of stations have wheelchairs you can use to get to/from the train. Some bigger london ones have golf buggys Station info on nationalrail.co.uk will tell you what’s available on your journey. Call assisted travel and book a wheelchair or buggy and tell her after you’ve done it. Perhaps phrase it as saving her energy to be sure she can enjoy the important parts of the day?

Would there be any accessibility advantages at the theatre etc if you use the wheelchair? Would she be more likely to agree to use it if you can frame it as her getting something better / free rather than because she 'needs' to. Perhaps if she can save face that way she'd be willing to use it without having to admit she does actually need it?

You've got my deepest sympathy OP

My Mother was so similar and so stubborn.

Nothing would make her use a wheelchair...nothing .

She'd hang on my arm, use walls and anything else to give her support.

per I think it’s time for an honest chat with her.

she is an adult and the choices are hers to make but she must understand that if her choices involve other people or her expectations are that someone will step in to sort out things when her choices don’t go according to her wants then she has to face the consequences.

She can choose to not use a wheelchair or to refuse an ambulance etc but you also have the choice not to step in or to drop everything and clear up the issues created by her making her choices.

im not trying to be a bitch and I completely understand it’s far more complicated than that and that you love her and feel you can’t abandon her and I am not suggesting that. Just that there is a place in the middle between all her way or yours.

you are bearing the brunt and the worry constantly and it’s having a toll, you have a right to tell her that in a kind way.
maybe if she understands how badly things are getting on top of you and that it’s starting to really affect you.

you also have a right to put in boundaries so for example, the trip to London

she is entitled to say I’m not taking the wheelchair but you are also entitled to say I’m not going if we don’t take one.