Feel like I've failed as 15 year old ds has no interest in his education

[1newname]

How do people do it? I know you shouldn't compare but how come some people seem to produce children who actually want to do well academically? I end up feeling it's something I've done to make him so uninterested. Ds2 is just going into year 11 and he has absolutely no interest. All throughout primary school and year 7/8 he was doing so well. Now he looks set to get 4s or 5s in most subjects and he just doesn't care. In his end of year report most subjects mentioned lack of effort.

Is this nature or nurture? Do I just need to back off and let him achieve well below his potential?

I think that's very typical of that age group.

Out of my own sons and a step son, only one wanted to do well at that age.

They are all doing well now in early twenties, none went to uni and my ds aged 22 has just bought his own house with his girlfriend and is very happy in a good job.

That's reassuring. It's so hard not to worry about their future. But also when you have people around you with high achievers it can feel like you've missed something

@1newname what does he actually enjoy doing?
A lot of teens have something they really enjoy but don't realise they could have a job/career connected with that interest.
The current school curriculum is very academic based which puts many off - but knowing that in a years time he could do a college course/apprenticeship in (random suggestion) card game design might perk him up

I didn't care about my education either until my parents promised me a financial amount if I got good grades in my exams - A, B and C grade I got whatever amount on a sliding scale.

That turned me around. I got four As and some Bs and Cs.

People may say it's blackmail but I think it's a means to an end.

I was able to get my job because of my qualifications.

Find out what your child wants most and promise it if he gets whatever it is. Like £50 voucher for his gaming if he gets (insert exam and grade). Do in a sliding scale.

He spent a while saying all he wants to do is be in a successful band. He plays the guitar. I'd love that to work out but you can't pin everything on something so hard to achieve!

I don't think the curriculum helps, it's very dry and wrings all the curiosity out of many kids.
Keep him interested in life and I think it'll come good in the end.
The ones to work about are the ones who don't see the point in anything I think, which can be mental health related caused by so many possible things.
Does he prick his ears up at other stuff?

@DeliciousApples I don't feel like I can do that as I didn't for ds1. Ds1 actually did really well in his GCSEs without us pushing, a levels were a different story....

I wouldn't worry tbh. I enjoyed my degree but absolutely regret it as I hated office work and now work in the construction sector. I hate paying it back every month when it provides me zero benefit.

Trades/construction salaries are higher on average than professional salaries nowadays. Last study I read found median graduate salary to be around £35k and median trade salary to be £45k.

Our tanker drivers earn £65k and crane drivers similar. One of the trainee crane drivers is a somewhat chavvy 23yo. It's crazy he'll be on £65k by 24yo and doesn't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're' (he just writes 'ur'). 😂

People in the UK are snobby about education but income is a much bigger decider of quality of life (not saying education/culture isn't important but so is life experience).

Dd was a high achiever at school till yr 9. Then she got bored. Gsces were mainly 4s. She's just going into her second year of a mechanics apprenticeship and is loving life.
She also just wanted to sing in a band. We told her if she got a trade she could pub sing on a weekend for spare cash. She's never felt the need.

How is it with his peer group and school?? I was like your DS but became incredibly focused at A level. What does he want to do after?

Does he have any idea what he wants to do after school, A Levels? A future job/career he really wants or is interested in?

There are 8 men my husband and I went all through school with and still friends with now, only 1 of them was properly motivated at school for the sake of it. The other 7 mostly thought it was pointless and couldn’t see the benefit, then at the start of year 10 the school had a careers day type thing with lots of different workplaces and suddenly they started thinking about what they might want to do and realised that actually (for some of them) GCSE’s and trying hard at school wasn’t pointless because they needed those to go get good A Levels, to then get apprenticeships/degrees, to get these jobs they wanted.

When they just saw the exams as part of school it seemed pointless, but once they started to see them as the first key to a future career or lifestyle they wanted suddenly they weren’t pointless and they could see the importance.

They all ended up revising together, the “cool” lads became study group fiends and now in our 20’s they all have done really well and have the careers they strove for! But they weren’t at all motivated until they realised this was really the first step for their futures, although teachers of course did tell them that, before the careers fair and speaking to surgeons, financial advisors etc it never clicked!

Maybe have a chat about jobs if you haven’t already? X

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose I totally agree, I understand that it's boring and uninspiring but I'd like to see a bit of effort. He just said well I don't get paid for going to school!

He does have some interests, he loves plants and gardening. I suggested doing an apprenticeship related to that. He's just very "Kevin" about everything

@1newname well he might not get to be in a band but has he ever been involved with music events like local festivals. That's something he could be involved with as an introduction to working in the music industry.
He could go to college and do event planning or the technical stuff like the recording side.
I assume he is at least doing GCSE music? If not - could he do it (or equivalent qualification) at college next year.
Take his interest in music as his guiding point.

It's mostly normal for his age but also depends on who his friends are and their attitudes.

As a parent you have control of some outside influences so think about what you can do to improve his ambition, not necessarily academic or high flying but in all areas. Work experience, careers fairs, gigs to get experience volunteering behind the scenes etc. exposure to lots of different careers so that he can find his way even if it's in the industry rather than star on stage.

His peers are a mixed bunch. Some really academic and some not interested. I can't explain it, he just has a really glass half empty, defeatest attitude. He'll say things like what's the point I'm just going to get an average job anyway.

In terms of interests I'd say plants, animals, guitar. I suggested he could work with animals and he just poo poos it. He loves animals!

@1newname now that you've mentioned he likes plants and gardening..... could he join a community garden in his spare time? This could give him something he enjoys to look forward too (rather than boring old school) and it might make him think "ooh I could do this as an actual job" and get him contacts that may be useful to gaining an apprenticeship.

Our kids will make their own path in life and we have to learn to accept it. One thing you should do, however, is instill in him that for whatever he chooses to do, he has to figure out how he's going to support himself, because there isn't an endless bank of Mum and Dad who are going to bankroll his life. He doesn't want to participate in traditional education, fine, but he had better start working his arse off and make a plan.

That's the thing, he doesn't want to get involved in anything! Because he loves plants I suggested volunteering at a place local to us. Nope. And no he's not doing music GCSE, says it's boring and not the stuff he's interested in.

Don't worry about 4's and 5's they are enough to get them on many different courses where you may find he will then blossom.
There is so much more to come than secondary school and i do believe a pressure to make a decision on what they want to become at a ridiculously young age.
Compared to the high achievers you know your son could be the one with the more fulfilled life in the future , he is so young the world is his oyster.
My 2 sons were similar to yours and they are doing just fine now , my youngest a girl is just about to start 6th form, she was not a fan of school despite being bright and having friends and the relief for her of no more school is palpable, she is excited and positive about starting college next week.

@1newname I don't really know what else to suggest then tbh. Sorry 🙁

By 15 they're burned out. Roll with it, get him in each day, let him know academia isn't the be all and end all and talk about other post 16 opportunities as viable options in supportive tones to take the pressure off.

@Needmorelego sorry to sound negative. I'd love him to do some volunteering in a garden place

Doing well until middle of secondary, now zero effort, a “glass half empty, defeatest attitude” saying “what's the point” and doesn’t want to get involved even in things he normally enjoys.

Could be burnout or depression?

Then you are going to have to give him a massive wake up call. I certainly hope he is doing his share of housework. He should be doing his own laundry at an absolute minimum. If he wants spending money, he needs to get a job.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice I could be wrong but I don't think so. He still enjoys his hobbies he just doesn't seem to like doing anything more organised. He's always kind of had a defeatest attitude but was more scared of doing the wrong thing and getting into trouble! Now it feels like he's realised he doesn't have to try and no one is going to do anything about it...