What on earth do you do at a funeral?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I know how awful the title sounds, but I'm 25, and I've only ever been to two funerals before in my life. One when I was 11, my granddad and I was sat with my nan and holding her hand the entire time, and the other at 24, for my nan. I was a mess and cried the entire time into my face mask.

Both times, my nan requested no black - she wanted to celebrate their lives.

My uncle has just died and while I wasn't as close to him as my grandparents, I want to go to his funeral and pay my respects and support my family. What do I do? I'm assuming a knee length black dress with short black heels will be appropriate? It's in a church whereas the other two I've been to were at the funeral home.

What do I say? What do I do? I've no idea what the etiquette is

In a church funeral there's usually hymns which you sing along to, a biblical reading and then a eulogy about the person. Your outfit sounds perfect. Are you going with other family?

Ask his family, I would. People don’t always wear black now, just sombre and respectful. I would not worry about knee length or heel height, just what you feel comfortable in.

Definitely going with my mum and dad, I don’t know what my other family's plans are

Just talk quietly with them before you go in. I always find church services much more sombre for some reason which I know is illogical.

"My condolences" is the safest and simplest thing to say.

@Newtrix that makes sense, my man's service in particular felt very informal but then again we had all been told to dress informally!

I would check the dress code. The last few I've been to have been 'no black' occasions, with one or two specifically requesting bright colours!

You just turn up, wearing what you suggested. Warmly Greet people you recognise, introduce yourself to those you don't. Obviously people will always be respectful and quite quiet.
Just sit where your directed to and listen. If you feel the need to cry then if course do so. Bring some tissues. Once the ceremony is over the wake will probably be a bit more relaxed and then I guess you'd just make normal small talk as you would any other event. You might want to talk a bit about memories of your uncle.
Everyone will be feeling a bit sad and a little awkward, so you're all in the same boat. Just try to relax and just go with the flow.

Nan not man 🤦🏼‍♀️

That's very similar to the ones I've been to in Crems. Maybe with church ones it's the setting or the formality that make it feel more sombre. In my opinion you can't go wrong with black to a church funeral, unless explicitly stated. Just showing up for someone is what matters, and that's exactly what you're doing.

What pp have said is pretty much it, but I would add phone on silent/off as well.

Every funeral is slightly different, but generally follow the same format. I've been to more than I'd like to have been (occupational hazard at one time unfortunately, as well as family/friends) some have had mourners needing to stay outside because the church is full and some, sadly apart from immediate family ,I've been the only other person there.

And I agree with @DadJoke about expressing condolences, the minister will lead the service and you just follow along, maybe take some change as the church sometimes will have a collection plate, or the family have arranged donations to a particular cause in memory of their loved one.

Your outfit sounds perfect.

You will probably be given an order of service which will tell you what is happening.

Depending on the denomination various things can happen. There will be prayers, probably a hymn or two.

There will probably be a reading, maybe two.

There may be communion, you will know this if people start queuing to go to the front of the church. Just stay in your seat.

You will be fine.

There is often a 'do' afterwards in a pub or in the church hall where people can get some food and talk about the deceased.

Thanks everyone, sounds awful but my family are getting to the age where a lot of funerals will likely be happening in the next 2/3 years and I have no idea how they work really!

Jesus I don't own any nice black coats

I have a nice neutral coat but is that okay?!

Basically you turn up, make sombre conversation before you go in, say nice things about the deceased.

When its time to go in, just follow everyone else in, sit somewhere and stand, sit, sing along, say Amen when required.

There's often but not always a line as you leave the service as everyone stops and has a little conversation with the immediate family. Quite often this actually seems fairly cheerful as the pressure of the funeral itself is off, and the immediate family see people they may not have seen for years.

Then if there's a reception / wake, you can head to that if you want. Eat bad buffet food, talk to randoms, say nice things about the deceased ago. These things generally go one of two ways, either they stay fairly quiet and sombre, or they descend into a piss up. Take your lead from the immediate family on this.

In Ireland the form of words is 'I'm sorry for your trouble'. Elsewhere, simply 'I'm so sorry' should be fine. Handshake in most cases, handshake with second hand closing on top if the person looks in need of it, hug for people you're on hugging terms with. Gentle handshakes and hugs, people don't need to feel battered. If you haven't seen them for decades, let them know who you are and how you know them (I was at a funeral last week and met cousins I hadn't seen in decade - we'd all changed).

If it seems appropriate you can ask 'how are you doing?' - some people need to process the situation by talking about it repeatedly.

If you can share positive memories of the deceased that can be very helpful especially after an illness or long decline, helping them recover some good stuff.

Kindness and acknowledging bereavement is the important thing, and just being there will be important, even if you say and do nothing else.

I'll be going to a funeral tomorrow in normal trousers and top and skechers, but again, it's Ireland, we go to funerals a lot and don't insist on black.

You turn up respectfully dressed (as you describe). That is unless there is a theme. In my experience there is a printed order of service to follow. So unless you are required to read anything out loud, you just sit there. I hope it goes as well as can be expected under the circumstances

If there's no "wear bright colours" type dress code, any darkish neutral shade is fine, including black. It's fine to wear a neutral coat that isn't dark, not everyone can afford a new coat.

You may be directed where to sit but if not the front rows are normally for close family and possibly friends. The celebrant or minister will guide you as to what to do during the service. You'll likely get a printed order of service when you go in.

At the end just take your cue from others to file out, and the principal mourners will generally be outside to thank everyone for coming, and you can personally offer your condolences then. They may invite you to a wake or it might be for close family only. If it's announced during the service itself, it means everyone is invited.

The coat is pretty similar to this, but slightly lighter.

My auntie is definitely a very proper person so I don't want to cause any offence by not dressing right!!

Absolutely. Funerals aren’t “wear all black” anymore.

There will be an order of service. A priest/vicar/rabbi/celebrant will lead a service, talk about the person’s life. A few people will speak or read pieces of poetry or prose. There’s usually music or a hymn.

You shake hands or hug depending on your relationship with those bereaved and express your sympathy. Sometimes you go back to a house or venue for tea and coffee and sandwiches, sometimes you head home, again depending on your relationship and how you feel.

It’s pretty straightforward.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP.

Don't overthink your outfit. I say that as someone who always does. As long as it's smart and respectful, nobody will worry about your coat being the 'wrong' colour, if you even need one. I've been to a few funerals lately, being a good deal older than you, and whether or not a dress code was specified, there's always been a bit of a mixture. Darker shades are fine if nobody specifies a theme. And equally, if they do, some mourners will turn up in black regardless, as that's what feels right for them.

OP your outfit sounds absolutely perfect. You are definitely overthinking it. In many cases if the deceased is older or had been unwell for a long time and it's an expected death the funeral can actually be a cheerful and uplifting occasion with lots of chat and laughing afterwards. Obviously it's very different when it's a young person or a sudden accident or totally unexpected death then people are often in shock and the funeral can be a more sombre occasion.

Yes he has been unwell for a long time and this was the fifth or sixth scare that we'd had, I definitely overthink too much 😅

Coat is fine, outfit is fine. You'll be given an order of service to follow. You don't need to behave in any particular way, just quietly and politely and afterwards chat to people as normal.

It's not that different to a wedding or any occasion with an element of a formal structure. You follow the formal bit joining in with singing or speaking as directed then you socialise.

I'm sorry for your loss. I tend to wear office attire, so a black suit or black trousers with smart top or black /dark day dress. You'll probably be wearing your outfit all day, so make sure you are comfortable and can layer on and off. Follow your older relatives for etiquette cues. Take a cotton tissue (so you don't have to use a scruffy ripped paper one) and have any collection money handy.
I just think as long as you don't do or wear anything that grabs or demands attention, then you'll be fine. I've been to a couple with main character types attending, who weren't chief moarners, but tried to make it all about them in clothing (too glam) or performance behaviour.