How to improve an 11 year old's life

[kinkytoes]

What would you do to make things better for a kid this age who's just started big school? He's not struggling especially but he's not exactly brimming with positivity either.

I'm thinking, give his room a big sort out, clear out all the primary aged stuff and box it up so he can still access it but it's not everywhere and in his way.

Also get some favourite foods in.

Give him a bit of extra screen time possibly?

Anything else?

sounds like a good plan less the screen time! Organise/arrange an outing and some quality time together. Something active and outdoors is always a winner. I took my dc, including dd12, to the beach at the weekend. They had a freezing cold swim in the North Sea, played, hot chocolates. Awesome day and 3 happy tired kids. Just because they’ve gone to high school doesn’t mean they’re not still kids.

A ‘You Choose’ day at the weekend where he gets to choose an activity, dinner etc.

You could give him choices and he picks one if you need to control budget etc.

I would say confidence-building activities and perhaps bonding activities with family members rather than more solitary screen time. And treating him appropriately to his age, so talking about secondary school rather than big school. Help him to foster friendships and to talk about what's going on in his life and whether he has any worries.

@kinkytoes

i would definitely NOT box up his toys. IMO they need their comfort stuff more, not less, to be able to be 'young' at home where it's safe & they not having to seem older & 'past all that'. They're only 11, it's young really.

leave his room changing for a bit & focus on things you can do together that are 'easy' and allow him to be young & possibly the 'older/big one' like big soft play places (one of our local ones the bigger area is suitable for young teens) or the park.

Watch some old favourite movies, play board games, cards. Read together, bake if he enjoys it.

just be there.

Great point about the big vs secondary school thing, thank you!

How to foster friendships? I think this is where he needs the most help tbh but unsure how best to approach. We've met up with some other kids in the last weeks of the holidays but unsure if they are a natural fit or not. It's early days so I'm hoping it will become clearer to both him and me!

11 is a really important age in life. Plan some time with just you and him doing an activity he loves.

Find out about his feelings towards secondary school over a hot chocolate/tea for example. then make a plan on how you will combat these.

With friendships, i would encourage him to try clubs the school has on offer to see if he can build friendships that way.

Suggest play dates, invite his friends on family days out (I assume this isn't totally uncool at the beginning of Year 7), get to know parents of children in his class, make sure your son isn't doing anything that's likely to make him generally unpopular, encourage him to join clubs where there's an activity to focus on. Needn't be sport necessarily. Scouts is probably a good one.

You'll have to judge how much input he needs from you, but he'll likely still need some at this age. For example, if he invites a friend round suggesting that make their own pizzas for themselves or some other activity. I don't know, really - I don't have kids - but just keep communicating and use your imagination!

How were his friendships at primary? Any pitfalls you can avoid now he has a fresh start? Does he have solid friendships that he should try to maintain even if those friends have gone to a different secondary?

Assuming he only started this week in Y7, it seems far too soon to be making any big sweeping changes (ie new bedroom). Home needs to be his safe space full of home comforts not new things- unless this is what he wants. Just be led by him.

DS started yesterday and the main feeling now excitement has passed is overwhelm and exhaustion! So we are having early nights and keeping to the usual routine. Trying not to make this change bigger than it needs to be.

I would be led by him with regard to playdates -hell would freeze over before DS wanted to bring one of his new friends on a day out with us! If he has a phone he can text them if he wants to get in touch out of school.

extra screen time is certainly not going to help with any anxiety etc, in fact it will make it worse! My DD has just started secondary and I’m encouraging less screen time - especially since they have so much at school nowadays anyway. More time outside, nice family walks or sport, my DD enjoys a bath, loves reading some some good books so I have ordered some new ones, more family time like board games. Basically all ways to decompress surrounding by family or things she enjoys that are positive. I’m keeping all of toys etc until she asks me to get rid or move them.

Take his lead, what usually cheers him up?
I would recommend a club or outlet not school related so that he has some other socialising which isn't all school focused.
My son enjoys warhammer and me spending time doing his hobby with him - these are the times when he likes to chat and will open up and that's been handy when he's been feeling less happy.

If it’s the first week, how about a movie on Friday night so he can just relax. First week is going to really wring him out, he’s going to be knackered.

• book a cinema outing or two to see some of his fave films?
• plan a holiday or short break away together, with him choosing some ideas of where he wants to go?
• let him plan and cook dinner for you all
• make a nice fancy dessert together?
• cinema evening at home - rent a movie and order pizza in
• let him buy a new computer game
• plan to spend more time together even if just watching your fave rubbish TV
• book him into his fave club (my kid enjoys Kids Dungeon Dragon sessions at our local gaming cafe)
• go to an arcade coffee shop or bar where you can play on playstations etc.
• ask him what he fancies doing and always looks forward to!

we are also in a similar situation and I am considering getting a rescue cat. Not just for this reason but I think it would bring us all joy! Obviously a massive responsibility so would not recommend anyone to do it. But perhaps considering something like that might cheer him up, if you wanted to as well.

I wouldn't clear out his room - perhaps move the stuff to a different location if you have the space but it's a big transition going to High School and to get rid of any comforting reminders of Primary school I think would be a mistake. I'd leave as is until maybe Easter when he is more settled. Do make a good study space for him though filled with resources. Decorating lining paper is great for all ages but really good for revision notes as it can be as big as you like then rolled up again.

I wouldn't increase solo screen time on devices. I would up it on watching more grown up programmes together Schitts Creek, Wednesday, Sleepy Hollow, Only Murders in the building.

I'd go out on more grown up outings, DD and I have always loved the theatre but the stat of High School was when we transitioned from child friendly musical theatre and comedy to dramas and thrillers.

Don't plan anything massive for October half term,year 7s are always exhausted and generally pretty run down by that stage and a big trip is the last thing they'll want or need.

DD also stated rugby in year 7, it's a great time to start as they move from Minis into age groups and there will be lots of new players. It's not like other sports where people have been doing it since they were 3.

Friend wise year 7s tend to cling to those from their Primary school for the first few weeks. A period of change and moving between groups (and plenty of friendship issues) in yr 7-8 and then they tend to settle into more solid groups. Getting involved with sports clubs or other groups is really useful in widening his social circle and means when he is sat in a seating plan is more likely to know the people around him and to build friendships from there.

Playdates are not a thing really. You are provider of games console, taxi driver to ferry them about or the supplier of pizza, with perhaps cut up veggies and dip /hummus etc. Your role is now as a ninja and to be neither seen nor heard.

We have several rescue cats so got that angle covered. I agree they are a massive comfort in the home (to all of us, not just the dc). Good luck with yours!

So many ideas! Thank you all so much.

He's got one good primary friend who has gone to a different school but will def keep on seeing.

His main interest is gaming so I'll try to take part a bit in that but also encourage more outdoor and family stuff.

His room is quite messy, so I was thinking if I thin out some stuff it would help a bit. Especially with providing a study space. I'll make sure I keep everything nearby for him.

He's got a couple of extra curricular things he does which we'll carry on with, but I'm hoping something at the new school takes his fancy too.

Thanks again for the amazing advice 🙏

We only cleared out (in a box in the attic) DS’ cuddlies this summer holiday. He’s 14.

He didn’t want his school friends to know about them but still was reluctant to let go of them until recently. We followed his lead and he’s fine.

I was going to say- do you have any pets? My ds is a year younger. We have a small dog and for my ds she is a real focus of joy. If you don't want a pet and he likes animals, something like pony care/pony riding (or something more exotic!)

The cuddlies are going NOWHERE! He's not even shy about them yet 🥰

Outside groups like scouts or hobby groups - youth groups - if he'll go - something social outside school so if it does get complex socially at secondary he has other social aspects - less likely to internalise he the issue.

By end of Y6 here they were not keen on arranged play dates by parents - and big room changes not great with all other changes I'd have thought - maybe half term with his involvement - new desk and place to do homework. I'd probably just give it time and spend time with him till he settles.

Gaming is a big part in how boys socialise so maybe be a bit flexible about it.

Try not to convey your anxiety to him. It’s early days for friendships and transitions are difficult. He’ll get there - have faith in him and let him know you do. If he’s anxious or tired, just normalise it “of course you are. The first couple of weeks are hard” but don’t treat it like a mental health disorder

I went quite low demand for a little while, didn’t get on their case about messy rooms, sat and watchef them game and watched movies together. Very easy - no interrogations !

Leave his room for now. He’ll be ready for the big clear out in a while but this isn’t the time yet.

Not sure about taking away his comfort blanket of all his old toys. A day out somewhere he likes? Invite some or one of his new, hope to be friends, out for a 'play date', whatever they like to do.