My PILs love a family get together with wider family - cousins coming over from other countries etc for a birthday or wedding anniversary . - though these get together tend to be a one day only affair. We also live in a different country, but, to date, have always gone (with the DCs), driving hundreds of miles in order to attend a lunch/ a dinner with a lot of people none of us really know (including DH, who is actually related to them.) They're not that often - there have been five such events in the time I've been married to DH (almost 15 years) and it seems to make MIL really happy, though she doesn't really talk to us while we're there because she's busy with others, which is totally understandable. We go up at other times of the year to spend time with them. They've never really tended to visit us, despite being invited, and despite the fact that until very recently there were fit, healthy, and regularly flying long haul to go on holiday. And they've also skipped a couple of major events (for us), eg a First Communion (MIL had a cold.)
There was going to be another huge get together later this year. Only it was cancelled when MIL became ill in a life-limiting way a few months ago, and noone knew if she'd be able to do it. Since that happened, we've all been up a couple of times, and DH several more times. (This is in stark contrast to their ever coming to see us when one of our DCs was critically ill for a long period of time when he was much younger.)
Anyway, we were invited skiing by my family - who are also paying for the accommodation and our transport, hence our being able to afford to go - over the date PIL's party was originally going to be. DC have never skied before, are desperate to go, we accepted, have booked travel etc.
PIL's big gathering is now back on. If it weren't that MIL has undergone this life-altering thing I don't think I would be worrying about it so much - but she has. It is something that has affected her life expectancy too - though she's currently totally healthy (though affected by what has happened, so not the same as she was.) The party is not on the date that tallies with what is being celebrated incidentally, it's about three weeks later, but it is the same original date.
I don't know what to do. I don't have an easy relationship with my PILs (I don't think they like me and I don't feel I understand them) - which tends to make me want to overcompensate out of guilt. The party is bang in the middle of our being away, so going later/ coming home earlier wouldn't be a solution. We're going to suggest going to see them and spend time with them at half-term, but I know that there's going to be repeated voiced disappointment about our missing the party from MIL. DH thinks it's fine and doesn't mind missing the party (he never wants to go to these things) but is also thinking that maybe he should go and I'll take the DCs skiing alone/ he'll fly out and join us for the last two days. Reading this back it sounds bonkers and I know that I'd tell a friend to go skiing - but the guilt I feel is significant.
Also, I know that MIL will mind more because we'll be with my parents, who we spend quite a lot of time with - because they come and see us in addition to our going to see them (it's still an 8 hour drive to their house.) My parents are equally getting on a bit though and I'm aware this is probably the last opportunity to go skiing with them (we lived on the continent when I was a child so skiing was a big feature of my childhood) - my father has said it's his last time (he's got no cartilage left in his knees.) But we've literally just got back from a summer holiday with my parents ...
What would you do?