31 and feel like my life is going nowhere...

[30slifecrisis]

NC for this.

As the title says, I am 31, live in London, and I feel just completely stuck in a rut. I think what's potentially bothering me the most is that I am single and right now I just can't ever see myself getting married (which I want to do) and/or having kids (which I am not sure about - I think I do if I was with the right person). I have tried the classic dating apps - Bumble and Hinge - and I barely get any matches. I've tried meeting men on nights out but this just leads to soul-less ONS', which makes me feel even worse.

A lot of people say to me "ahh but you are still so young". But I feel like everyone else around me at my age is moving on with their lives - a lot of my friends are either in a LTR, engaged, married, trying for a baby and/or pregnant. Or if none of that list apply, they are excelling in their career - which is also not happening for me.

I know I am the only one that can change my life. I am not looking for sympathy - or maybe I am - but sometimes I just feel like I don't know where to turn for support.

Is anybody else in the same position? Or was anybody else in the same position and things just fell into place for them? I know things can change quickly when you take action, but right now I just feel a bit down in the dumps.

Anyone?

One last try to see if anyone sees this

I've tried meeting men on nights out but this just leads to soul-less ONS', which makes me feel even worse.

Why do you continue to do this if it makes you feel badly?

Hiya, I’m mid 40s and rushed into settling down at 31 for the wrong reasons. It all worked out eventually but the relationship didn’t last - am only saying this because things may be less rosy for others that you perceive them to be. I have many friends who met partners etc in 30s. I guess I would say focus on building up hobbies etc and friendships, those things are more in your control. Try not to compare. Other than having not met a partner it doesn’t sound like anything else you are unhappy with? Hope this is of some use. Wanted to reply…

You have just to keep on trying - go for a new job, travel, hobbies.

Things that will fulfill you and widen your circle.

Give yourself opportunities and who knows?!!

Hello OP, I'm sorry you're feeling down, its a tough time. Plenty people will be along in a minute to tell you to take up new hobbies and so on to meet men, so I'll take a different tack. Put down the burden. What could your life be like assuming you DON'T get married or have kids? Work on that basis and you may find the dissapointment drains away.

In these sorts of situations I find it’s best to stop chasing and to start living the kind of life you want to have, man or no man. Always wanted to learn a language? Take language classes. Pottery? Take a pottery class. Love to read? Join a reading group. Chances are you’ll find someone more compatible than you would doing OLD. But the key is to not go into it hoping you meet someone, but rather to enrich your own life.

Don't pine away your 30s waiting for something that involves another person, in this case, wanting to marry you.

What about your career? What would be your ideal situation?
Do you want to live in a city, by the coast, with lakes or a village with a cricket pitch?

Put you energies into you.
People are attracted to others with ideas, ambition, drive. Perhaps work on other dreams and see where that takes you. You have best part of 40 years left at work start making them count.

I met my husband the week before I turned 35. We both already had children (both widowed) but went on to get married and have another dc and are now a blended family of six. I wasn't looking for a man - he just turned up and was too wonderful to pass by.

So it can happen at any time.

But it's not worth you sitting and waiting thinking life is passing you by.

You've had some good advice above about thinking about what YOU want from your life as an individual.

Exactly this. I'm mid-50s, the DH and DC didn't happen for me despite online dating, clubs, loads of travel, going out etc. I'm not a big fan of the 'it might happen for you, I met my DH just as I was giving up' stories, even though of course it happens. It perpetuates the mentality of 'hang on in there and keep trying!' As if it will be a disaster if it doesn't happen.

It was actually a relief to get to early 40s and have an early menopause so I could put the burden down. I wish I had put it to one side much earlier.

Enjoy your life, follow your interests. You might meet someone, you might not. I'm very happy, happier than when I was constantly trying to meet a man.

What she said.
You want a partner that will be part of your life, as you have it. Not someone that can magically transform it (it never happens). So do your travelling, book thT holiday, go for nights out, and chances are you will meet someone.

And you know, if you don't, so what. There's something very peaceful and calming about being mid 30s and living my life how I want with no one else's input or demands.

I am in London too and would be 32 in October . I married legally at 22 (visa reasons), saved to buy my first flat age 24 to 26, bought our flat together at 26 (going on 27). We were supposed to have our wedding the next year but then it was delayed by 2 years due to pandemic. So I was 30 by the time we had our wedding and then I could start to TTC (plus I never wanted a baby during the pandemic). I waited until the next year to TTC (was around 31 when I started) as I wanted to get a new job before TTC, but it turns out we may have fertility problems as we have tried for a year and still no baby. We are undergoing fertility investigations. We never really used artificial contraception for 8 years either and I never got pregnant so probably nothing to do with age, just us.

The reality is that you can try your best to live your life by a timeline but many of these things are not within your control. My timeline is pretty suppressed, not sure how i could have done things any quicker and still I don't have the perfect little family (coming to terms with this). Many women my age literally get pregnant instantly while I am still struggling. I am learning to just let go and just tell myself I can only try but eventually, what will be will be.

You can only try your best but re love and babies and the rest of it, that is not always within your control.

Would echo previous posters, focus on yourself for a while, career, hobbies etc. I found myself single at 27 after a serious relationship ended badly, then had a string of casual things all of which made me unhappier. I stopped actively looking for anyone, just went out with friends, did other things for myself. I met my husband shortly after on a random night out, and took it very slow. I made it clear within a few dates however I wasn't looking for casual- it didn't scare him off, we've been married nearly 20 years. I think if you feel happy about yourself, opportunities naturally arise, so see this as a chance to enjoy being single for now as who knows who is around the corner!

Amongst my friendship group when we were all much younger some did and some didn’t do ONS. It wasn’t for me and a couple of us in that group but the friends that did were never unhappy with their choice. One had legendary shenanigans.

It just doesn’t suit you having ONS, you need to know yourself better.

If I were you, I would focus on shaking my life up because the current version of it isn't working. I'd give myself a year, starting from today and set some goals. One might be to get super-fit and healthy and strong. Another might be to save money towards a really exciting trip. Definitely start looking around for career opportunities. Either go for better paid jobs or train to get to the next stage or to switch career. Don't stagnate.

A great thing to do is to make a pledge to yourself to do one thing you have never done before every single day for a year. I did that and it led to the most incredible life changing developments. That was a good year. And it really did start at my lowest ebb physically, mentally, emotionally.

If you want to carry on OLD, trying changing your profile, as it isn't attracting enough of the right sort of man. If you are really shaking your life up too, you will have an energy about you, and a vitality which will attract men when you meet them, and that will help.

A great thing to do is to make a pledge to yourself to do one thing you have never done before every single day for a year.

Every single day?? 😱 I think you could write an interesting blog (are they called
that these days 😅) about that!

I did - but it was private! Accessed only by me. I still look at it sometimes.
They don't all have to be massive. Some were tiny, some were just fun one-offs, others were habit forming and a couple were life changing. It's just about getting out of a rut, expanding your choices and saying yes to stuff you might otherwise say no to.

yes, I was. I had a sort of little career type of a job in my country and then the partners moved in and changed the staff. This was my only nicer job and I could not save, the rent and bills at those times ate up about 50% of my salary, which was not great in terms of western numbers. I moved to few European countries and aupaired and still saved nothing. Moved to the UK and married a British man at the age of 35.

So I never wanted to leave my country, never even imagined how life could turn. I was single and never married in my own country, nor knew how or who to date. Something was stopping me really. Let's call it fate. She ( destiny ) knew I am going to come here. I felt awful as being single, my only nicer job ending.....

I have not met the richest man but I married a very caring, loving, kind and educated man. This is my story

Actually at 31, it is very sensible to take this very seriously because your chances of having children are at their best, biologically, cycle wise, so I think it's best to go at it full Monty (dating, minus maybe the ons) to try and find a man who is at the same stage as you, ie wanting to settle down and have a family. Men who want exactly that do exist.

I’m really inspired by this. Would you be able
to give an example of a tiny one and a one-off? (If you have any that aren’t too personal)

I’m really stuck in life and looking for ways to make changes. Thank you.

Thank you for your responses. Definitely need to make a BIG overhaul of my life.

Hi,

I’m 28 and I feel stuck in my life, too. I don’t have any friends or family and my long term relationship is toxic. I feel really bored and lonely. I’ve decided to focus on my career. I’m applying for graduate school. Honestly, my plan is to stay busy. Once I get into the program, I’ll have my full time job, classes, and my hobbies to keep me busy. I think boredom is the true silent killer. I hope you find some way to stay busy. I’m sorry your life hasn’t gone the way you expected but it’s still worth living. ❤️