People who lie and say “I don’t know” when they do

[kittykookoo]

Can someone cast some light on why a particular colleague denies knowing something when she does?

I have a colleague who I spend a lot of time through work with. I’ve also attended her birthday parties and met her wider friends/partner/ been to her home. I would consider her a good work colleague/friend.

But there’s one thing that bugs me. She will sometimes deny knowledge of a matter/information/gossip for no apparent reason. When I know she 100% has information on something mundane such as whether X colleague is leaving for Y firm; or whether Z colleague is still dating Q colleague; or did V colleague get the promotion.

These are all things that we’d discuss and she’d usually openly talk about or ask me for information on. But then suddenly she will say she doesn’t know something when others tell me she does know or had just discussed the same matter with them. Am I dealing with a 🐍?

She probably just doesn't want to engage in office gossip.

It depends on the information matter. For instance I would do this with gossip. Someone may tell me something but that doesn’t mean I will pass it on. I hate gossiping about anything.

Sounds like a you problem. Maybe she’s had enough of you drawing her into gossip?

But if you hate gossip then why would someone ask equally “gossipy” questions to you?

I know someone like this. They clearly know everything that's going on , but never let on. It's actually a very good way to be and they are extremely trustworthy, but it can be a tad frustrating too ! lol

I think it's a fine line to tread. Depending on who has shared info with me and if they've said don't pass it on , who/what it is about and whether I trust you not to pass it on ,makes the difference about what I'll say to you. It's a bit embarrassing when your own intelligence comes back round to you ,and you started the rumour and it comes back as fact. I think you need to look at yourself as likely she doesn't trust you to judge what not to pass on..

This. I don't blame them.

She's simply shutting down your nosey questions. Good for her!

It isn't the listening part of gossip that can come back to bite, it's the talking part.

Sign of a cunning person and I don’t like that at all. I know the type you mean and they’re usually pretty slimy.

I do this all the time. I know an awful
lot of personal/gossipy stuff in my job. I ALWAYS say I don’t know. I don’t do gossip. If other people choose to gossip to me then I can’t stop them, but I don’t have to join in.

In the plus side people can trust that I don’t gossip about them either.

I think I’m a bit like this. Sometimes I realise I may have overstepped a little bit in what I’m talking about or to who, even if it’s not bitchy or gossip, sometimes I just realise it’s not my place to discuss it. So I consciously make the effort to rein it in a bit. I particularly do this if I think the person I’m speaking to is a bit of a gossip.
Maybe she thinks you talk about stuff too much and the simplest way to shut it down is to respond “I don’t know”.
other than that, you could always just ask her why she’s telling you she doesn’t know when you know she does 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would imagine she thinks (or knows?) you would gossip to other people and doesn’t want to be the source of the info if things are misunderstood/repeated to the wrong person. Or maybe she has been doing some self development and no longer wants to partake in gossiping. You sound like you are over invested in being nosy - why else are you asking other people about what this colleague does or does not speak to other people about?

With the examples you've given it sounds like she's using "I dont know" as a proxy for "it's not my place to give you that information".

Although I always think when people start these threads with "I consider her to be a good friend" that they are either a good friend or they are not. If a good friend then you talk to them and don't cast aspersions about them behind their back.

I know someone liked that. She likes to hoard information, no matter how inconsequential. It's not very conducive to a good friendship or even a good conversation. I feel like I'm being mined for information.

I'd suggest keeping things totally professional and not expecting any deeper a friendship.

I do this, purely because I don't want to be involved in gossip. If the conversation moves to people, I just shrug and say 'I don't know', I no longer have any desire to discuss others.

I did so in my younger years, but then found myself the subject of office gossip and experienced how it feels...swore to never be part of making somebody feel that way again.

She seems to know more than you, whether that's in the line of work or she just hears more, and you're pumping her for information.

She probably just doesn't want to spread gossip second or third hand especially if part of work. One thing to be party to conversations, another thing to repeat everything you hear.

You seem to ask a lot of quite pointed questions. Just pull back on that and wait to hear when people announce they're leaving etc. why does it matter to you?

If you want to have more of a finger on the pulse find a better way than asking her everything. If you want to maintain a friendship, stop asking her so many questions about colleagues' business.

Why does not wanting to be your gossip source make her a 'snake'?

But this isn't inconsequential, it's info about colleagues' internal and external job moves and personal lives. She can ask herself. Sounds like it's pretty regular.

If you ask me whether engaged Dave from IT is boffing married Angela from Accounts, and I say ‘I don’t know’, what I probably mean is ‘I don’t care, I’m trying to work’ or ‘Stop pumping me for information’.

Well then pretend to be a grown up with a decent level of intelligence and don't answer them?

I think you probably need to reflect on your own conversational practices, OP. You are overstepping in some way. She is trying to signal that she in uncomfortable and wants to damp down the exchange.

Perhaps you are gossiping too much for her (even though she likes it up to a point) or your gossip is too harsh or intrusive. Or perhaps you are just doing it for too long or too loudly.

Try hearing "I don't know" as "I've had enough now; let's get back to work.'

That's what 'i don't know' is doing.

I don't know is actually perfect.
I used to try to be honest and say I do know, I just can't share.
I probably seemed a bit of an arsehole doing that.
But I've got a trusting face, (round and smiley, I think I look like a cbbcs presenter who's eaten too much pizza) so people love telling me things.
One of the first lessons I learnt in life was telling a mean kid a secret and going into school to hear everyone talking about me.
So I've not done that to anyone else despite having some truly juicy tea over the years, but I probably seemed quite up my own arse looking back 😂
Oh well, I suppose I'd rather that than upsetting someone I guess.

‘I don’t know’ is the non-answer in this situation.