Sen parents - how do you deal with the jealousy?

[Newsenmum]

I never used to get it. Always happy for others, enjoyed hearing about their different experiences. We chose to have kids so knew we’d have less money, no nights out, much less travel experiences - absolutely fine. Good on childfree people having fun! I love their stories. I don’t expect everything. But when I see people with kids my own age now starting to travel, have fun, go out to restaurants, their kid rides a bike, had friends, picnics in the park with school mums, beach days. It just makes me feel so lonely and so… jealous. :(

Anyway, that’s the thread. How do you manage it? Yes I know, I need to get off social media. But it’s addictive. And some of the sen accounts are helpful and make you feel less alone. And I’m still friends with these people, ours lives are just turning out very differently.

SM is the work of the devil. Avoid if it is making you unhappy.

What age is your DC? I have an adult DS who is severely disabled. Life has been challenging of course but also joyful. Accepting things are as they are is the way forward ime. Not accepting all the societal shit, that’s a whole different story and battle.

5, so very young. A lot is still unknown and scary. I guess it’s also where they really do leave babyhood behind and the differences become more stark.

It’s not just SM but seeing friends from nursery who are no longer friends really, all hanging out and doing normal things. I think summer can make it all worse.

I don’t think I always deal with it well. Sometimes I feel very angry and resentful. I try to accept it like pp, it doesn’t always work!

I also feel awful for my other child, as he isn’t having the childhood that he should.

This is my other worry. I have a nearly 1 year old and whilst it’s too early to know if she’s autistic too, I have days where I dread her also being autistic and days where I feel it’ll be awful for her if it isn’t. I don’t know.

People move on pretty fast and drop friends that no longer suit. I am arranging a birthday party for my dd and have contacted a few acquaintances that we have not seen for a while since leaving nursery, and the general feeling has been "I have moved on". Which is a shame really because that is an adult perception and not a child's, but you can't fix people's mind set unfortunately and children need to learn early on how cruel and brutal the world really is all because adults are unwilling to view siuations through a child's eyes.

It's hard to accept. I will never have the same type of experiences as someone with a non disabled children.

But on the other hand other forms of life challenges are also available and maybe others look at me and think I am lucky for not having the difficulties they have.

I have one dc and get really jealous when I see photos of people with more kids (I was and still am infertile, just having ds was a miracle) . I just use the mute button judaciously and created a seperate social media account for when i wanted to browse content without looking at anyone I know

I think comparing is the worst thing you can do .. certain times I get bothered mostly fighting my own battles ..

I come away from s.media if I need to .

we celebrate that stuff lots of parents take for granted

I’m not on social media & I get a lot of support on here. It’s hard though I agree. The thing I find hardest is the lack of understanding from certain parents of my DD & her autism. They’ve just got no concept of what it’s like & the judgement on top is extra hard to take.

I think some of this is that you haven't found your tribe yet. Which sounds dreadfully condescending, coming from someone who isn't even a parent, let alone a SEN one. But I am so touched, uplifted and moved by threads like the one below, and I feel there is a real need and potential for SEN parents to meet (online and IRL) and support and celebrate each other's lives.

My son just called me mummy | Mumsnet

Definitely and people say things like “oh my child does that too” or make parenting comments and it’s 🙄

I think you’re right about the tribe. I’m finding it harder and harder to mix with ‘normal’ parents and yet it can be qurie hard to mix with sen parents as first it’s finding them and then the kids are often so different that managing something that works for them both is hard.

"I think some of this is that you haven't found your tribe yet. Which sounds dreadfully condescending, coming from someone who isn't even a parent, let alone a SEN one. But I am so touched, uplifted and moved by threads like the one below, and I feel there is a real need and potential for SEN parents to meet (online and IRL) and support and celebrate each other's lives."

Well intended comment I'm sure but it's a different ball game 'finding your tribe' when you're talking SEN/parent carers/various disabilities.

We're a minority and one that on a good day people have lots of 'sympathy' and 'admiration' for (as they run a mile in the opposite direction). On a bad day, it's utter ignorance and rejection.

Finding the tiny amount of people that get it and actually want to hang around is like finding a needle in a haystack.

It's not really like finding people who also like to walk in the woods, cycle or read Jane Austen. Believe me I know. I was a 'normal' person with normal tribes prior to 2010.

I miss being a normal person 🙈

I think some of this is that you haven't found your tribe yet. Which sounds dreadfully condescending

It does. The OP has taken it well so I won't say what I thought.

But you seriously need to think before you post on threads with no experience.

Being a normal person and having normal hopes and dreams.

Time really will help with acceptance. Both you, and your family and friends who might still be in denial. I am aware I may sound smug but that’s been the case for me.

My son is 33, had CP and is autistic. We’re on holiday in a fabulous accessible home with all the equipment we need and having a great time. We’ll go to the Pleasure Beach in Blackpool , and despite him only being able to go on one ride ( train ) he’ll love it. I remember the first time, he was about five or so. I was very aware of all he couldn’t do, the other kids dancing at the entertainment in the caravan park etc. In my head I called them the “ normals”. But years pass, he does different things, and loves a dance in his power drive!

As another poster said the achievements are so to be celebrated! His learning to use a cup at his fabulous SEN school , and surprising us all, including his late Grannies still makes me smile, and he continues to learn. My DD ( stealth bumming here) got a First at uni, but I am just as proud of what he’s achieved.

It’s not easy, it’s certainly not fair, but it is what it is, and I do believe you’ll get to that point too.

I tend not to hang around with children the same age as my Sen child. You never or at least I have not to date ever fully let go of how I wanted my life to be (with regards to that very specific area).

One of my kids was really water phobic, no SEN but swimming teacher recommended moving her to a special needs swimming class where there would be two teachers, one in the pool and one on the side, and only 4 children in each group. I loved it, the parents were the friendliest parents going, they would always discuss diagnosis, school, specialists when new parents joined. Their joke was that eventually someone would ask what my DDs diagnosis was and they would all laugh and chorus "That's what we want to know."

Eventually we moved away and kids all grown up but I remember those mums which such fondness.

I hope you can find a group like that.

I can’t agree about that. Your other child is having the life he/she is having. That’s the reality, and better to accept it than waste energy on an imaginary one.

My adult DD and DS have the closest of bonds, and have brought so much joy to each other. It’s true that sometimes things had to be managed to take account of my son’s needs but as I say that’s the material reality. Sometimes my son had to deal with her needs being to the forefront. It’s not always been easy, I won’t pretend it has, but we have all made it work, and are very close as a family.

I used to have a lot of days like this. Almost 6 year old, non verbal autistic child with learning difficulties but life is getting so much better. We do a LOT. And we also do things that he may find difficult which some people would argue against. For example my son used to be a pain in the bum round supermarkets.. but that is life.. so we took him every time. He's now an angel and puts items in the basket and helps. I know that isn't a day out but you get the idea. We've done same with London theatre shows, the cinema, the fayre. So to answer your question, don't let it hold you back. I think sometimes the thought of doing an activity is worse than actually doing it and for the ones your child really can't handle, think of it as saving money! Woop! Or whatever you have to, to help you accept that life is different. I do get jealous that people can have conversations with their child. I tend to find these days I get more annoyed at what others take for granted rather than jealous of their life. Probably helps I'm anti social so hate the thought of big parent meet ups

👏👏👏
and don’t forget they are usually SEN parents as well which is equal busy, exhausted, drained and without extra capacity. I have a few friends ( SEN parents) who get it but they don’t have much time for meet ups and chats.
However I think finding a group is a lifeline even if it’s just for sharing info. Online groups are good for this.
It might get easier OP depending on your child’s needs. You go into your own routine mood and focus on it naturally so just no space for jealousy if it makes sense. You are just busy all the time.
Is your DC at a mainstream setting? If so it’s usually much harder but might be worth it depending on your child’s needs.

Do you not see that you were cosplaying.

That the kids you are talking about don't grow up, they just get older?

That they were humouring you? Why were you at a SN session? I'm not sure the chorus was a joke.

And that even if you find a group that understands, it doesn't help with what the OP has posted. About watching children grow and flourish as they should.

Disabled children (and adults) absolutely grow and flourish as they should. They grow up too, how can they do otherwise? Differently, but as valid as any of us. Your post is both offensive and ableist.

I think some of this is that you haven't found your tribe yet. Which sounds dreadfully condescending, coming from someone who isn't even a parent, let alone a SEN one. But I am so touched, uplifted and moved by threads like the one below, and I feel there is a real need and potential for SEN parents to meet (online and IRL) and support and celebrate each other's lives

what the fuck. You have no experience but you personally feel ‘uplifted’ by SEN stories. Ghoul