Feeling lonely and without purpose

[LostTwinMum]

Hi all,

I'm 46 and feeling lost and alone and fed up and no idea what to do about it. My kids are 15 and no longer need me or want to do much with me. My husband ignores me mostly. I dont have many real friends. I dont really enjoy my job but do it because it pays well and it's easy.
I know the theories, find something you love but i have no clue what that is and have not much motivation to do stuff anyway. Find a new job, I've tried but can't find anything and don't want to earn less. Go do something to make friends, I have but never make any.

I just don't feel I have a purpose or do things that inspire me and its getting me down.
Nothing seems to excite me anymore and I'm just grumpy and miserable most of the time

Welcome to peri menopause 🥳

Oh I'm fully aware I'm in that stage of life. I also have other health issues but surely it's even more important to have things to distract you and get through it all..people to talk to, activities to look forward to...but seems not

I am a similar age and recognise some of what you have said. I am on HRT and that has helped a bit but I think mine is a life stage thing. I strove in my twenties for a career, I strove in my thirties to start a family and now in mid forties I feel a bit purposeless. Don't feel like I am striving for anything am just sort of existing! I am trying to rediscover fun things because what I used to find fun doesn't bring the joy it used to. You aren't alone, I think it's quite a common feeling at our sort of age

I’m in my 50’s and I recognise the feeling of just existing. The empty nest has broken me, I’m shocked at how little my adult children contact me. It makes me feel quite lonely. I suppose I somehow assumed that they would see me as much as I saw my own parents, but I’m wrong.
Hobbies and a social life seem to be the answer.

Are there any volunteering opportunities nearby, where you could feel you’re helping people who really need it?

I am long retired and during the COVID lockdowns (feeling old and useless!) really felt the need of something to do (that wasn’t housework!).
I started knitting for a charity that distributes therapy items to children’s therapists all over the U.K. There is always a long waiting list and from the feedback it’s evident that the items are hugely helpful.

So while knitting, and especially when I’m feeling a bit down, I do really feel I’m doing something useful. The charity makes no profit - the only money that changes hands is the small charge therapists pay for postage and packing of a big box of items. The responses from therapists when they finally receive them - often after a long wait - can honestly make me cry.

I do hope you can find something that makes you feel better, OP.

I'm also 46. perimenopausal. Teens are 16 and 17. I totally get where you are at.

In my head I want to join a rock choir. But can't see how I'd do it with a full time job. I also need to do some exercise. I'd like someone to walk with.

Do you like live music? Have a band from your youth you'd like to see? Like fashion? Want to take up something with making your own clothes? What do you like? Love food? Cooking courses?

Sending hugs. It's shit feeling a bit lost and lonely xx

It really is.
Fitting things in with a full time job isn't easy and I don't drive so getting places is difficult.
I know they all sound like excuses but to me they are real.
I have just looked at joining a choir but not sure its really me and I know I won't make friends as I never do. I'm lost and nothing seems to excite me. Maybe I just haven't found it yet

I have tried volunteering. I joined the city of culture volunteers in 2021 and I did a few events but mostly they didn't fit in with my job and I just didn't feel I fit in.
I also started as a trustee at the Scout troop my kids attended. Then opted to become a squirrel leader. That ended in disaster and stress and mental health issues. I've now moved to another section but it still isn't giving me the joy I hoped it would and I was hopeful it would present some friendships but hasn't.
I know people say volunteering is good for you but it hasn't proved that way for me.

I posted this before. I joined a Heritage Railway to help with the garden at one of the stations. It was nice being the youngest of our group. They are trying to join up with the main system which is worthwhile. So it is not just a men with trains hobby.

I was dragged along with a friend first of all just after lockdown. I don't know much about gardening. More younger people joining now.

Could you set yourself a challenge? Eg learn a language + take classes, watch films in that language, read books, book a holiday there etc.
Or to sew your own wardrobe or anything really.
Some kind of goal that you think you'd be able to get your teeth into?

Sorry about DH. Could you try something together to reconnect a bit? X

I feel exactly the same. I've also got a chronic illness so I basically have to reserve my resources for work. Weekends are spent resting and catching up on housework. It's a pretty dull existence but I don't know what the answer is. 20 years left until retirement. Just feels like a long old slog.

I have a chronic illness too. I have fibromyalgia which I'm determined not to let beat me. It's tough though I won't deny.
But I still want to live my life as much as I can and unfortunately I don't feel I'm doing that much at the moment. Life shouldn't just be about work

Hey @LostTwinMum how are you doing? Wanted to check in and say hello, and let you know I'd thought of you.

Ah thanks. That's so lovely and made me smile inside. I'm doing okay. Bit sad but trying to find my way somehow....

Im in a rock choir and also have a full time job and an 11 year old. We rehearse one night a week and you can pick and choose what gigs you want to do if any.

The key bit is to stop trying to make a decision about what to do and just to do nothing until inspiration take you.

When an idea hits you imagine that you've decided to run with it. Live that decision for a few days - write down how it feels. And then do the opposite, imagine not doing that thing for a few days see how that feels. Then it becomes a lot clearer and easier to move forward.

Are you trying to tackle your relationship issues with your husband? is it worth salvaging? Maybe it’s over or maybe it isn’t.

Taster session at local choir?
Join a book group?

Hi.
I really identify with all your feelings.
Reading the messages like yep, tick, me too.
How are you all doing. I've been struggling a while. Mid 40s. Came out work to focus on health and feel impossible to get back World moved on and family and friends forgotten about me or don't make effort. Like thanks for the fun years but you're boring now. My oldest friend and her husband actually phoned me to tell me that with a list of points. It broke me, I'd rather she just left me. Met up since and I feel so small in my life like I'm trying to prove I'm happy.

I've reduced the size of my world to the point of being very lonely. Started after period grief.
I feel sad for the life I thought I'd be living and desperately trying to turn it round. Sadly ATM I feel I've wound into a big lonely knot. I feel embarrassed that this is the point my children will remember forever and I feel such a bad role model for not going out. Id like to try antidepressants but I know the answer is more holistic. GPs are rubbish and menopause hitting hard

You did mention that you didn’t drive so found it difficult to get to places.
How about learning to drive, which would give you freedom??

But if all you’ve got to offer is negativity, then it’s hardly surprising you ‘never make friends’, surely, OP? You have to bring something to the table. What do you value in other people? What kind of person do you enjoy being around? What would a new acquaintance value in you?

That's negative in itself. Perhaps this is outlet & wanting kindness. If nothing kind don't post.
You'd be surprised but there are people that stick with friends when they go through negative phase or bad luck, trauma because everyone does at some point