Am I really being ‘selfish’?

[Spuck]

DP worked yesterday so today is his only day off. We have children and so I feel today should be our day with him and together as a family.

I just asked him what his plans are for today and he said we will be together this morning but that he wants to spend most of the day with his parents, who he ‘hasn’t seen since last Sunday’.

They are incredibly close but their close relationship can really come between us at times and I feel this is a prime example. We have hardly seen him all week and today he wants to go and sit with them over us.

He says I’m being selfish.. I think I’m being normal.

What to do?

Why can’t you all go?

Can he take one or all of the kids as a compromise?

Why can't you all go?

All go or he takes the DC and they all spend time together and you get the day to yourself.

@Positivenancy because if i’m there, I will be the one running round after 2 toddlers and will not sit down once. It’s exhausting being there! He probably would take one of them but I’d quite like a normal day all together.

Se d him with the children, his parents can help, have an afternoon to yourself.

Behind every complaint is a wish.

And which of those you communicate can make a big difference to how it's received.

It doesn't matter what you're 'being' (selfish or normal) – what matters is that you love your DP, you love getting to spend time together as a family, you miss that time together when he's away at work so much, and you wish you had more of time with him and the kids to enjoy.

I have a hunch that if you told him the above, it would be very hard for him to call you selfish, and he'd probably feel loved, wanted, and interested in finding a solution.

As soon as you give someone a 'should' (today should be our day with him and together as a family), it's going to put them in a defensive stance, rightly or wrongly.

Today might be a write-off, but there's still a conversation to have about the way you all manage your time that could come from a place of love and desire, rather than disappointment and should-ing.

get him to take bath and have a rest

then I think a honest chat about how prioritising seeing is oarents over you makes you feel

How long is he going to be there for?
surely not all day
you should be spending time with you all as a family on days off yes but he wants to see his parents too
can you compromise that on his next day off you will all do something nice together?

Absolutely this! If you had a day out planned I’d totally be on your side OP but with no plans why can’t he see his parents? Just get him to take the DC with him. If he’s that desperate to go he won’t argue! If he does argue it’s about ducking out of family time and you have a problem.

I'd go to his parents with him, and be direct that you need his input with the kids whilst you're there. Or take some kind of planned activity with you that might engage the kids for a bit, so you can sit down.

That's sounds smothering that he thinks a week is a long time to go without seeing his parents, and prioritises that over his wife and DC.

No solutions from me but you are theone being normal, not selfish.