The life not lived

[rockingthekasbah]

It may be a silly title, but couldn't think what else to put. Also, something like 'sliding doors'.

The other day I was doing a very menial part of my job and I was wondering to myself how my life would have turned out if I'd stayed on a very different track.

Basically, life pre children was in a fun, high pressure industry that wasn't conducive to babies or family life. When I had my eldest, I decided to go back to uni and retrain in a field that was more cerebral. Having done well there, I was offered Masters and PhD. I was delighted more at the fact I had employment that would lead somewhere, and some 'pin' money in the meantime.

Only, my marriage ended and so did the dreams of the cerebral career. At the time, historically, I could only get a job where I had experience, so back it was to the previous career, but somewhat pivoted.

Here I am 12 years later, and I wonder what my life would be like if I had stuck out the other path at the time. Would I be happier? Certainly, my life would look nothing like it does right now. I just wonder about it.

Anyone else ever wonder about the life not lived?

Sorry you are feeling this way op. How old are tou and is it too late to do the masters for the cerebral career. You had a degree so why not continue with that at the time and do it part tune around work. It sounds like the divorce totally derailed everything forever. Or did it and why was that the case?

Thanks @ilovemoney. The divorce did derail things massively for me, but I accept that. Yes, I'm too long in the tooth I think for entering that life again.

I'm ok with where I am, life is just not what I thought it would be!

Yep, I try not to think about it. I left school with 9 A/A*s in my GCSEs and dreams of being a medic. 6 months later I was diagnosed with Crohns disease and my life derailed. I've managed to live somewhat of a good life but it's had a negative impact on every single aspect and I know I'm not the person I would have been without it.

I'm sure everyone has those moments or events whether it's relationship/ health / job. There was a long thread on here last week about going back and choosing not to have kids. It's an interesting thought experiment but unless it's going to prompt real changes it can lead to a quite negative attitude I think. One of my teen kids does this. He looks back at something that happened four years ago and blames his current situation on it. There's no need. He has it within his power to alter things but he finds it easier to sit and do nothing and blame it on this thing that happened.
OP you say you're "too long in the tooth" but people live a long time . Maybe you can't do the exact thing you'd planned but that doesn't mean you don't have agency to make changes.

I think we all wonder how things would have turned out if life had taken a different path or had we made different choices. This is more heightened if you are unhappy with your current situation. Personally I prefer to look forward as there is nothing I can do about the past but I do have some control over my future.

I escaped crap perspectives because of one decision that changed the direction of my life completely and has given me a lovely life.

I am extremely saddened that others in my family did not do the same thing and have ended up with what will be a continuation of the crap cycle of the family past.

Im sure they are happy as they are, but I’m sad that they haven’t experienced an alternative and will miss out on so much joy and adventure, especially given their capabilities.

Yes - I’m a moment of pique I did something which effectively ended my career in a high level field. Within months I went from having a very good salary and my own swanky flat in London to being unemployed and unemployable in that industry. I worked at the periphery for a while, hated it and left when DC came along.

(I should point out that my transgression did not hurt any people or animals, only business interests, and aside from me, no one else was inconvenienced by my actions more than briefly. No crime was committed. Basically I was drunk and hacked off and shared a business secret with someone I shouldn’t have done. No major damage but it ran to my trustworthiness so I was, probably justifiably, sacked with a poor reference at the start of the 2008 financial crash).

if I had continued in that career I would by now be quite senior, probably very stressed. We could afford to privately educate DC, almost certainly, and I would have been the main breadwinner not DH.

i’m now retraining as a teacher, so starting a new career at an advanced age. I have also learned the hard way to keep my trap shut at all times!

Sometimes I think how different my life would have been if I had settled with a different partner. I do regret my choice and feel like I could have had an easier life with someone else. But the other decision I made was to walk away from a (lovely) flat purchase and start a retail business instead. I lost a lot of money taking that riskier option and I am now 50 and don’t own a property. That, I do regret.

I think about the life not lived all the time. Stayed with the wrong man for so many years, knowing he was wrong, but couldn't bear to hurt his feeling (now I break his heart ten times a day telling him I've made a terrible mistake).

@RhaenysRocks sorry, I didn't make it clear - I'm not dissatisfied with where I am, I just wonder where my life would have taken me. Certainly, the marriage ended and I have no regrets about that. It's highly possible that I wouldn't have been able to have that career even if I stayed in that field anyway. It's more a musing than a hankering

With 'what ifs' , it's easy to focus on the perceived positives. For e.g., if I'd stayed at uni and completed a PhD, I'd have a career in academia. I'd be leisurely reading books, and travelling the world to present at conferences. The reality would be very different: you'd be drowning in admin tasks and student papers to mark, you'd be fighting to get some funding to present at a conference in Blackpool and you'd be worrying about redundancy.

There are a few pivotal moments in my life that turned out to have a big impact on the direction life took. I do wonder what would have happened if they hadn't taken place. If I had done as well as expected at school, I would have gone to a different university and met different people. Two of my friends wouldn't have married, as they wouldn't have met each other. If my flatmate hadn't watched a particular program, I wouldn't have got into the music I love, or maybe it would have happened later anyway. If I hadn't have said yes to things, I wouldn't have lived and worked in other countries. It is interesting to think what the other trouser leg of time looks like.

I certainly think that opportunities have been created by 'this' life that I would not have had access to in the 'other' life. I think I would have been more settled and stable, however

We all wonder about our what ifs and sliding doors. I had a chance to live in America when I was young, had relatives that wanted to sponsor me. I am positively delighted that I didn’t go as would never have met DH and it’s all a bit too Handmaids tale these days. I would however have probably been far better off materially.

It’s when there is regret, I have one thing in my life from when I was young and I do deeply regret that.

The thing is we only think our lives may have been better. It's assuming that nothing else would have gone wrong in that alternative existence.
I mean, the poster who spilled the secret and got sacked - if you hadn't done that and hadn't lost that job, who's to say you wouldn't have been hit by a bus on your way to work one day? I know that particular thing is unlikely but it's entirely possible that the choice you think of as really bad, was an unknown blessing in disguise!

We make thousands of choices that alter the course of our lives - even tiny ones that we don't know will have any consequences but turn out to be enormous. Like going out on a random night out and meeting your husband, for example.
I think we'd send ourselves nuts if we thought about it too much.

Yes, a bit. But only in a 'Shudder - what could have happened...' kind of way. I'm actually delighted with the way my life has turned out, given where I started. I come from a background of disadvantage, teenage pregnancy and low aspiration on both sides, and as a teenager I almost threw it all away on more than one occasion through carelessness (my own fault) and lack of support and guidance (not really my fault). I dread to think what my life would have been like if I hadn't made it to university back in the 1980s.

I am in the position of driving myself mad with regrets. I've fallen into a depression. No idea what to do.

@Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon how is it possible that you and your other relatives have had the same choice in front of you at the same time and chose differently? I just can’t imagine how it’s possible.

@MsGoodenough I am so sorry if this has triggered you. Not my intention at all. I was just musing

I get you Op.

I was set up to have a wonderful life but I made poor life choices that cannot be reversed. I'm so angry with myself, but can't do anything about it now.

I was older than my siblings and had an opportunity present itself by accident. Also crucially, I had one guiding, nurturing adult who assisted me.
I also left my home situation at 16, so was away from it. My siblings were not as lucky.

So you all have different lives , different opportunities and therefore made different choices . It’s not like you came to the same crossroad at the same time and stage of life and chose different ways.