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Original poster

Would you want to know if your partner cheated?

13 replies

wouldyouorwouldntyou · 30/08/2024 18:46

NC for this. Would you want to know if your partner cheated? Would it matter if it were a one off if an ongoing relationship? Would it matter if you hade DCs and their ages?

I suspect DH may have had a one-off thing, maybe not even a full shag but a snog with a mate. We both WFH so I know he’s not anywhere else most of the time so I don’t think it’s ongoing. We have two DC (1 and 3) and I sort of want to ask him about it but also think I’d rather not know. Does it go without saying that we are in a monogamous marriage? Fellow MNers, please give me your thoughts.

OP posts:
FUBAR77 · 30/08/2024 19:08

Firstly I’m sorry you’re in this position Op.

If you knew me personally you’d know that I would 100% leave a cheating DH/DP, but I know that truly while in the depths of parenthood while you’re just in survival mode I’d just rather not know in all honestly.

However I say that on the basis that I had no suspicion of cheating, I.e if it was just some one of thing I’d rather he didn’t tell me - but It seems like you do have worries - which will be a scab that you’ll just keep picking - it will scar. Better to find out now if there are suspicions.

Timeforicecream · 30/08/2024 19:09

Yep 100% for many reasons!

Chillimuma · 30/08/2024 19:10

Personally I’d rather not know if it’s over and no chance of it happening again and no knock on impact on our lives

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Relationship problems
Fleetheart · 30/08/2024 19:11

If I really really never found out and he was otherwise a good partner and father then I guess I’d rather not know.’It kind of depends on the whole context

username44416 · 30/08/2024 19:13

If he kissed someone, unlikely I'd leave if we had children. If he slept with someone then I wouldn't forgive.

ETA to answer the question. Yes if he slept with someone but not really if he kissed someone and it was a one off.

Comedycook · 30/08/2024 19:14

If it was a one off that he genuinely regretted and was definitely not going to do again...then no, I wouldn't want to know. It would hurt me so much. Ignorance is bliss.

If it was repeated cheating and/or a long term affair then yes I'd want to know.

whyNotaNice · 30/08/2024 19:15

well....oh well.....i love my husband but I also know what men are like and capable of and kind of learnt to be more friendly with a man rather than obsessed with a man if you know what I mean. It depends and depends. There are many good points in my husband and if it is one off ( not sure I ever had an inkling he has done it ) but let's say he has done one off.......I will probably know because you can read a man, can't you.

Pigeonqueen · 30/08/2024 19:37

If it was a one off snog or something with someone he’d likely never see again then I wouldn’t want to know. If it was a friend or colleague it would be a total deal breaker for me and I’d want to know and I’d be packing bags.

Original poster
wouldyouorwouldntyou · 30/08/2024 19:37

@Timeforicecream whar are your reasons?

im really struggling with whether I should ask or not. As @FUBAR77 said it’s like a mosquito bite I can’t stop itching.

He’s a wonderful father and excellent DH, does loads in the house, cooks and tidies, DIY, hands on and does loads of childcare. Doesn’t drink (only a few on the odd night out) or smoke or do drugs. I can’t imagine life without him and want to grow old with him. And yet if there were something that happened, I feel it would indicate there’s a deficit in our relationship and it would be bloody hard for me to trust him again. And if he admitted to a smog, will I doubt that and wonder if it was a full on shag?

OP posts:
kfellover · 30/08/2024 19:39

I would want to know, but I have absolutely zero tolerance for cheating because of my parents relationship. I can see why people wouldn’t though, especially for just a kiss.

BirthdayRainbow · 30/08/2024 19:40

I'm sorry you are feeling all crap @wouldyouorwouldntyou . My H had an affair. I really wished I'd rather not known. He only told me as the OW H had hired a PI to find me and wrote to tell me. H got in minutes before. I've divorced him now and actually now, I'm glad I knew so that I can prove to whoever I didn't leave at the first thing.

I would say, I know you've kissed someone else. I am obviously not at all happy about it. Do not ever think you can do this or worse again and get away with it. Sort out why you did this and remember you are married with everything to lose.

Timeforicecream · 30/08/2024 21:09

Trust would be broken
STD Test is a must
if anyone else knew and hadnt told me I think I’d been talked about behind backs.
It would let me make an informed decision based on what took place.

caringcarer · 30/08/2024 21:26

I'd 100 percent want to know. My first husband cheated and I was very grateful to my friend who spotted him out with OW and told me. I divorced him.

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