I like my new colleague, but she seems to think I don't!

[Winterysun]

It's making me a bit uncomfortable, tbh. I've been at my place of work about 5 years, she joined at Easter. We're VERY different, I appreciate that, and I'm 50, whereas she's in her early 30's.

I'm fairly quiet, can be introverted, but sociable too and am friends with our fairly large group of colleagues.

She is definitely not quiet! She's got a habit of, for instance, pouncing on people as they come through the door, with 'YOU'RE LATE'!, when they're not, she just likes a reaction. At times I find her stories/perception on life entertaining, but being quieter I suppose I'm naturally processing what she's said before reacting. She takes this as being 'peed off with her', as she puts it.

The other day I was working on something that requires concentration, she waltzed in, went 'HI' and accused me of looking like I wanted to slap her! I felt awful she thought that, but I was right in the middle of something and wasn't expecting it. I can't imagine slapping anyone!

She sometimes travels part way home with me, on days she gets the train. I admit I use my commutes to chill.and recharge after a busy day, but if she joins .me I chat away like she does! Even at my most chatty though, she says I'm 'SO quiet!'🤔 Something happened on the train recently, made us both laugh but even then she said 'Oh well I found it funny, even if YOU didn't'! I did - and laughed along with her. Why couldn't she see that?

I'm feeling quite awkward around her now, and honestly don't know how to be with her. I understand everyone has their own personality types and I don't tend to comment. Not sure why she feels the need to!

I can't imagine slapping anyone!

I can’t imagine not wanting to slap her, she sounds insufferable.

Quite! Think I’d be avoiding the commute with her. I have an in her face colleague who sounds like her and it’s so draining. I have no idea what she thinks of me, but she contacts me outside of work and I admit I ignore her messages. Good on her for her energy, but it drives me a bit potty!

She's bullying you. It's a slow drip/ chipping away.

She sounds awful.

She's an absolute nightmare. It seems no matter what way you act she'll have a go at you, so I'd just ignore her from now on.

I'm sure she'll be rubbing other people up the wrong way if she continues on this way.

Yes, she can be such hard work, and tells everyone who'll listen about her ongoing battle with Anxiety! Well, she's making ME anxious now.

She is starting to irritate others, too. Another colleague was kind enough to give her a lift to work the other day. They both almost ended up being late, as she insisted oht colleague stopped at the supermarket en route, as she'd forgotten her lunch!

I've been deliberately vague about what time I leave for work when she asks, I'm never late and I just know she'd hold me up!

It's only normally once a week she travels back with me, but I avoided it last time by making out I wasn't going straight home. Can't do that every time, though! Yes, ridiculous as she's 18 years younger than me🫢, but I do feel it's a form of bullying.

She sounds profoundly irritating, and a nightmare to share a workspace with. Wouldn't it be easier all round if you just said, 'Do you know what, Melissa, you're right -- your gabby, attention-seeking ways drive me mad. Let's just agree to avoid one another in future, OK? Oh, and you're starting to annoy Chloe and Troy, too, so I'd watch my step if I were you.... Byeee!'

That would take some bollox, but I love it

I really wish I was bold enough to say that!! 😀

I worked with someone similar. I was early 40s she was mid 20s. Sometimes she could be amusing but mostly she was a pain in the arse and acted as a bully towards some other colleagues. Think it’s a combination of immaturity and wanting to be the centre of attention. Keep it polite but stopping worrying if she likes you or not, you sound very nice just as you are. Most people would chose you as the ideal colleague over the type of person she is, any day!

Hopefully she'll calm down as she becomes more familiar with her job etc. I imagine she's still a bit nervous and wanting to make a good impression/be liked by everyone/get along with everyone.

Thank you for your responses, yes she does come across as a bit 'try hard'! When she first started I was on a 2-day course with her, and came away thinking what a breath of fresh air she is, fun and nice with it.
But working with her 3 days every week, OMG, I'm struggling! 😀 She's asked me how I keep so calm all the time😮 The fact is, I'm not always. I do have anxieties about various things going on (don't we all), but I have to have a clear head for work otherwise I'd fall behind massively! I just present in a very different way to her.

She sounds like a nightmare and totally inappropriate in the workplace, I wouldn’t be going out of my way to make her realise I like her. I’d carry on as you are and ignore her.

Is there a manager you can talk to?

She sounds awful. I think if you are brave enough to say, ‘I think you misunderstand me, I am an introvert and therefore need space to recharge my batteries or interlude my response before I show it outwardly. That doesn’t mean I dislike you, I am just different from you.’

Thank you, she's actually off for 2 weeks leave at the moment and I've been surprised how different I feel, going into work. A lot more relaxed!
Due to this I think I'm going to have to say something if she starts again once she's back. Yes, maybe explaining the fact I'm an introvert is best. She may not have even heard of the word! 😀
I've never known her to just sit quietly, she can create drama in an empty room (or empty train carriage, and I hate my quiet commute being interrupted)!

You are allowed to not like her.

I would find having someone shout “YOU’RE LATE” at me when I walk in the door enraging. Why has no one told her not to do this?

A lot of extroverts think if you're quieter you're boring or stuck up. It really annoys me. However, there is a danger of a pack mentality happening here where people are going to start avoiding her due to her personality, even though essentially she's not doing anything harmful or bitchy to anyone, just being very irritating. I have seen office scenarios where a group start avoiding someone because they find them annoying but no one has the guts to say anything. I think someone should say something tbh as it isn't clear whether she is aware of this. If she isn't aware then a talking to might make her think that this behaviour is fine at home or out with her close friends but not ok at work. If she is aware and enjoys riling people up then she needs to be called up on it.

Can you suffer the train journey one more time in order to quietly offer her the opportunity of some feedback?

Your additional years of workplace experience have demonstrated to you that a great team has lots of different personality types who bring lots of diverse ideas to the table.

That said, you're naturally quiet and introverted and you're comfortable with it. Her more ebullient style is great for her but to keep the workplace a positive experience for both of you, can she please consider your needs before comments and interruptions.

End with this is just my observations. I'm not saying management are involved or anything. Covers your back and might make her reflect on how she comes across.

Someone did similar to me once. Privately, they meant it kindly and it was a real wake up call.

I would recommend looking at Insights Discovery and the different energies people bring to the workplace, it really helps to think about your communication style and how you might come across to others. You can't change others behaviour but it helps to look at how people respond to and see the value they bring. Likewise I'm an introvert in a team of energetic extrovert and seen as the sensible quiet one!

I worked with a energy sucker.
I did like her. But it was all so dramatic. Even getting a glass of water was an event. Monday was full.of weekend fallout with friends and family, tears and alcohol.

I used to always look busy to avoid too much interaction. I used breakout areas alot. I found they focused on others as I was "uninterested" and they "drained others".

Smile, wave, acknowledge but don't engage much.

On the train could you invent a bookclub you attend and NEED the journey for reading.

The comments about yourself are irritating. I'd just tell her "I'm a quiet person and I am happy being me".

Thank you all. i'll have a look at Insights Discovery. Yes, it takes a mixture of personality types to make up a team! She seems to think everyone should be like her, maybe this comes from immaturity, and her being younger. I agree that speaking to her about it may actually do her a favour, if I'm bold enough! Thank you to the poster who said she was once spoken to about her manner at work and appreciated it, this gives me hope!
A couple of others are also finding her irritating, but she does seem to target me.
The other week we all realised, just in time it was a colleague's birthday next day. As I was going to be in town later, I said I'd get a card for us all to sign. I picked a nice 'Happy Birthday/Gin O'clock' style card.

When it was passed round this woman said 'Oh, a typical choice from Winterysun, a NICE card! You should have got a rude one like I would have. But that's not YOU, is it?'
I wished I'd left it to someone else, tbh. I'd expect to be commented on, if for instance, I'd made a stupid mistake in work, upset someone or caused problems etc. But it's just normal things I do that she seems to comment on, which make me uncomfortable, and wonder why she should comment on my everyday way of doing things.
It's so different from her way I suppose, and I obviously stand out to her! I understand that extroverts are different to me, she obviously can't understand an introvert. 🤔

That last comment about the birthday card cements it in my view that she is deliberately bullying you OP. She thrives on finding people to look down to, I bet in her ignorant mind she is much more interesting, bold and colorful than you - and she's openly rude/horrible about it to demonstrate her "superiority".
She's an idiiot. I think at this point in your shoes I would start saying things - and dont be too polite, play her at her game. Anytime she makes a claim about you, challenge her! Just say "that's not actually true" or "please stop assuming things about me, you don't really know me" or " I find your comments quite rude and personal, you need to stop".
If you don't feel comfortable to say anything, then mention it to your manager and let them handle it
2 things you absolutely must do for yourself though, 1- stop giving her lifts ("can't help you with that" is enough, if she pushes just say you're tired of rude comments and wont be taking her). If boarding a train, get busy on a call/pretend call and get on a different carriage.
2-dont give her much attention, it's what she's seeking by trying to "taunt" you in her stupid ways. Ignore or one word answers are your best friend.

I agree, it is bullying. I actually think the manager needs to speak to her. Not you. I would certainly pull your manager aside and say either ‘this is going on, can you help me deal with it.’ Or I’d say ‘this is going on, I need you to know, although I am handling it for now.’ Give specific examples.

And I also think that it’s ok to say you dislike her. If she says something I would say ‘I think it is the other way around, you have nothing nice to ever say about me or my actions. Please stop commenting’. On the way home on the train I’d get out my noise cancelling headphones and read and blatantly ignore her.

@Winterysun i’m actually irritated by her just reading about her. I know I’d hate her!

You describe her as being “younger” but a woman in her thirties is not young.

Is this distracting you at work? If so, it is time to speak to your manager - let them actually manage this woman. You need to be specific and accurate when you describe what she does to upset you.

She sounds like she might have ADHD. She's hyperactive, overly chatty and highly preoccupied with what other people think of her. Look up rejection sensitive dysphoria, it's a key part of it.

Yes she sounds annoying but I think people are being overly harsh. If my guess is correct then she really can't help it.

In your situation I'd bring in headphones and explain the music helps you concentrate. Every time she interrupts just take an ear bud out and say something like "sorry, I can't chat right now as I've got to get through this next task by 1pm". Don't use this as a way to completely block her out though. We all need to compromise a bit with colleagues to keep everyone happy.

She does sound awful. You sound very much like me. I'm quiet and introverted but also sociable and I get on well with 99% of people. If a colleague was treating me the way she's treating you, I'd feel like I was being bullied. It's absolutely not on to say things like "You're so quiet!!". It's very personal abd I hate it when people pick on me like that.