What would you do if your family had been like this?

[Hillyheath]

My family has been rubbish generally with lack of interest in me and my kids, they never visit and don’t come for their birthday parties or anything, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised by this, but months ago I had emergency surgery and they have completely dropped the ball in a way I just didn’t expect and am quite shocked by.

My husband called them while I was in the hospital and directly asked them to come down and they said 'yes maybe we will'... but then nothing. After the operation they sent one text message and called once. They live an hour away and they haven't visited. They drive and even if they didn’t there are trains, taxis.

The only reason we spoke since that one phone call when I got out of hospital was because my mum sat on her phone and I got a missed call from her 4 weeks after I was discharged so I called her back. She said ‘oh sorry I just sat on my phone - I’ve been meaning to call you but didn’t get round to it.’ Which to be honest felt callous.

None of my siblings have visited either. One of them called once then I never heard again.

Then a few weeks ago I broke my knee. I can’t walk and am on crutches. Again my parents have not been in touch since this happened (they only know because I told them it happened) and they haven’t offered to visit. Same story with my siblings.

The thing is up until recently I had a vague belief that they’d be there for me during something like a major health crisis and an accident-type situation - at least more than one phone call! But they weren't, and nor have they acknowledged their rubbishness and now I’m left wondering what’s left of my relationship with them. There is no reciprocity or mutually, they have very little interest in me & my kids, they don’t show up to birthday parties. They send a card and present and then we’ll be expected to see each other around Christmas time and that’s it. It all now feels completely fake and lacking in any real substance - I can’t imagine being like this with one my own kids.

Do I just completely drop the rope? Ive tried to raise their lack of interest before but they get defensive. I feel kind of ‘done’ with them.

That’s pretty shocking. I wouldn’t be chasing any more contact. I’m so sorry, OP.

I'm a big believer in matching other people's energy. I would drop the rope and scale back how much effort I'd put into Christmas with them if it was me. I think when people let you down as badly as this it's really hard to unsee it if you know what I mean.

Do you have other people in your life? Friends, in laws? Its usually better to focus your time and attention on people that treat you well regardless of whether they are family or not.

I'm sorry that your family aren't what you need them to be. That's always a hard thing to accept though.

Op that's so hurtful and awful.. Have they always had better contact with your siblings?

You won't make them change or take more interest you or your dc so you have to learn to live with that.. The sitting on the phone is down right cruel. She could have lied and she didn't even try to too.

Are your dh side better? Take an interest in gc?

I would drop the rope, be busy this Xmas, apologies we double booked and just focus on the good things in your family.
It sounds like they have never been there or any support so hopefully it won't impact you.

I think focus your attention elsewhere, on friends who reciprocate and are interested in you and pleased to be around you.

@WhatNoRaisins that's a really good way I'd saying it, match the energy.

And you don't need to make any big announcements just scale back and don't make the effort

Sorry to read this, Hope you get better soon. No advice really other than try not to expect them to change for your own mental well-being.

They sound pretty useless. But I notice the only reason you spoke to your mum was when she accidentally butt dialled and you called her back. Does that mean you are generally also not contacting them? I mean, are you all not contacting each other, or are you calling them but they never call you?

Oh gosh that's horrible. I would just drop any contact and not bother as they don't. It's sad but you cannot change them.

Solidarity! My parents are very hands-off, . I had an experience years ago when I was very tangently affected bya major National incident, and my parents made no effort to find out how I was. I could literally have died and they wouldn’t have known. It was shocking to me how much they didn’t express interest in my experience or well being.

Also advocate matching their energy. Go low key! Frame it this way to yourself and them. ‘Oh I didn’t buy a present as we are all low key about these things aren’t we?’ Etc.

you won’t change them, but you can maybe make yourself less incensed by them.

Thanks everyone for your kind replies
I really like the idea of matching other peoples energy so I’ll definitely keep that in mind!

I think subconsciously I’ve always been aware on some level that my family aren’t reliable so I’ve needed to have a different support network and always made an effort to make friends. My husband is great and his family is also very present and has been there for us.

Even so there is a big hole where a family would normally step in but repeatedly hasn't over the years and yet they’ve maintained a veneer of family-ness (because they don’t want to face how neglectful they’ve been I guess) but any illusions I must have had have completely broken down over the last few months in a way that’s been quite shocking to me and has honestly felt a bit like a grieving process.

In a way it’s been good in the sense that I can now clearly see what they are like and completely re-set my expectations

Many years ago as a teenager someone went for me with a carving knife and cut my thumb as I put my hand up do defend myself . The cut wasn't deep it didn't need stitches. Went I got home and showed my mum her response- "Oh bloody hell " and just carried on watching tv . If this had happened to my golden child sibling my parents would have gone round there guns blazing. Drop the rope OP and look after number one . Were you an unwanted child by any chance ?

I'm sorry OP, it's really upsetting to find out that your family aren't willing to help you when you're in crisis 😢 I'd not bother with them either if I were you. Concentrate on spending time with those friends and in laws who actually care about you. On the plus side, you won't feel responsible for providing care when they are in old age! You reap what you sow 😏

My family are like this :)

The best thing I did was stop expecting them to change.

I considered how I would treat them if they were a friend behaving in the same way. For a long time, I kept a superficial contact but knew there was no point relying on them or expecting anything from them. Sort of like a friend who can be fun on a night out but you know there is no depth to it.

Then they started getting actively nasty. So I stopped contacting them altogether. After all I don't have friends who are cruel to me, so why should I put up with it from family?

AutumHarvestGlow
that’s awful I’m so sorry
They are pretty neglectful of all of us I think. Certainly emotionally. Without going into it all there was a lot of parentification going on and switching around of the ‘golden child’ depending on who didn’t challenge them.
In terms of contact TheYearOfSmallThings i usually do the contacting but gave up after the operation because I was upset they hadn’t bothered

I’ll definitely be dropping to low contact and putting my energy into other people. I used to feel guilty about the idea of not calling them and checking in on them but the last few months have completely changed that! I can see they definitely won’t change

@Hillyheath

The game changer for me was realising they would never change and for me to stop trying to people please them . Interestingly other people have commented about their treatment of me and highlighted things I hadn't noticed . The positive flip side is that I am independent. Golden child is needy and is bailed out . When my mother dies she is going to be fucked .

That’s a shame. They are very uncaring. Hope you have other relatives, husbands side, who care.

Bugger them!