Help Me Help My Son (School related).

[GeneHuntsCowboyBoots]

I’ve added some bits in bold if you can’t be bothered to read the whole lot but the last couple of paragraphs are probably important. I’d be really grateful for ideas.

He’s 14. Just about to start Year 10. He’s always ‘struggled’ with school, albeit not in always an obvious way. He was always in middle groups in primary and then also in the last few years where he has been in Yr 7, Yr 8 and Yr 9 of secondary.

For a few years I’ve suspected some form of ND (potentially ADHD) but was never clued up on it enough and the SenCo at primary didn’t think it was anything worth raising. I asked for him to be tested for dyslexia because our eldest son was only diagnosed at sixth form. That came back with no concerns. He is currently on the pathway for testing for ADHD and ASD after me raising concerns and following the process.

Since being in secondary, he had a supply teacher for maths in Yr 8 who never did parents’ evenings. And at the parents’ evenings we were always given very limited information about other subjects. This was because of them often changing teachers and the teacher we were seeing at the time not having enough information because they’d only known him for a couple of weeks.

We have raised it a few times, including with his head of year that we just want to know how he’s getting on and what we can do to support him and we never get a decent reply. The HOY sat with us for 10 mins one year at parents’, listening to us explaining our concerns about not having a clear idea of how he’s doing, she then promised to gather some info from his teachers and would contact us. That didn’t happen. We raised it with the deputy head and we did get some information but it’s all very vague. Like “he’s doing ok” and not much more.

This is pretty much how it’s been for his whole time there. He’s very recently, so going into Yr 10, been moved from set 4 in maths to the very bottom (I think set 7). This concerns me because surely if things are getting bad to the point of this, then we should be made aware and not told everything is ok.

We get reports every half term but they literally say what his effort is like and if there are any concerns (about his work) - apart from once, these have always been good and no concerns.

This is an ‘outstanding’ school and one his big sister also went to and she had a completely different experience. She was academic, in top sets, and there was very regular contact and information relating to how well she had done.

It seems to me that because they’re not academic, they’re just sort of ignored and forgotten about.

I appreciate that schools and teachers are pushed to their limits but surely if they can be proactive about the high achieving kids, they can do the same for the not so high achieving ones?

I really worry for my son because he really has no interest in anything at school and I do think it’s mostly because he finds it difficult. I’m worried he’ll not do well at GCSE’s. And I know GCSE results don’t reflect the person as a whole but there is a focus on them and I want to help him achieve the best he can and for him not to be held back because he’s overlooked and/or is ND. I appreciate that he may still not achieve high grades as some people are just not cut out for it, but as I say, I don’t want him to be held back if there’s something to be done.

This also rings true for me. He did French up until the options at the end of Yr 9 but IIRC, wasn’t even given that as an option. He has ‘option English’ instead, which is the extra ‘help’ I expect.

If you don't know of any diagnosed SEND it sounds like he certainly has something and I would be looking at going private for a WISC V assessment, it doesn't diagnose SEND but does look at 5 areas of academic ability including working memory and processing, verbal / non- verbal comprehension, pattern recognition. From there you can work out what sort of support he would benefit from at home. You can give it to school to spur on other assessments.

From what you've said I wonder if any of the following rings true as I would put money on dyslexia, slower processing and poor working memory. So might be ok at writing down maths problems or some spellings but find it near impossible to do it outloud. Struggles to copy from the board as can't remember between looking at it and looking at his paper. If you give him a set of instructions verbally, will remember the last one but forget the earlier ones / give him a verbal list of things to get from the shop would forget things if not written down. Is slow to answer questions as needs some extra thinking time. Possibly poor executive function forgetful and misplaced stationery, PE kit, losing jumpers.

The years that didn't do ks2 sats due to Covid had teacher assessed grades.

The school I worked at did use these to help set gcse standards target grades but was also got the kids to do a load of cats (verbal and non verbal tests) which were also used.

Usually it is just off ks2 sats.

He will have target grades though, secondaries need them for progress measures (internal even in progress 8 isn't being calculated).

My son did not pass Maths SAT during year 6 and has always struggled with maths. We had him assessed for dyslexia in year 2 and the outcome was that he didn't have that but did have slightly slow processing speed. He worked his way down to lowest set maths in secondary and did foundation GCSE.

We got him a tutor and he went up a set but couldn't cope with the higher GCSE paper and got a U in his mock as he froze and didn't answer much at all. We had to argue with the school to move him down again as they thought he was just lazy. We despaired but he has just achieved a 5 in his GCSE which we are obviously delighted with. A patient and kind tutor made the difference.

Both primary and secondary have done initial screenings for dyslexia and said there was nothing concerning. I was leaning towards dyslexia prior to that because of his comprehension when reading etc. (But, admittedly, I am not experienced in any way). As I mentioned, my eldest was only diagnosed at 6th Form so I’ve been raising these issues since primary because I don’t want a repeat of that.

I brought it up numerous times at primary. I made sure we used to sit and read together every day. Some days he would do all of the reading, some days I would do the odd page to break it up and do silly voices etc. We used to do it in short chunks so as not to overwhelm him. Say we’d done a couple of chapters (small ones), I’d ask a couple of questions about what we’d read - in a fun way - and he’d literally not be able to recall anything we’d read 5/10 mins earlier. I used to describe it as he could physically read the words, but they hit a brick wall and didn’t get into his mind. He had similar issues on basic comprehension papers they were given.

He’s not too bad with PE kit etc (though has cost me a new pair of shorts recently from forgetting) and only really needs pens nowadays, which I make sure he has a case full of.

My main concern is his attention span (to put it very basically, it’s more than that) and constant fidgeting, talking etc, moving.

I’m feeling quite gloomy about it all now because I never once thought he’d likely not pass his GCSEs. I honestly thought with his praise from being well behaved, making the effort and not having any concerns, that he would be ‘ok’. I didn’t expect high grades, but I thought he’d be fine.

I keep saying “I” but my DH (his dad) is here too and obviously concerned, though it tends to be me who sorts all the admin.

I’ll look into that assessment you mention too. I’ve messaged my friend to see if she knows anyone to tutor, or at least can tell me how to find someone decent.

I’ve posted a picture of the pathway he’s on and where we’re currently up to.

Thanks again for all your input.

This also rings true. My daughter always got her half termly reports with her target grades and how she was doing in relation to those. We’ve never had target grades on my son’s at all so again naively assumed all was ok.

Hi OP,
Secondary schools have a problem with communication, I should know I've worked in them since 1991!
Yep agree with so many other posters, your son started with lowish prior attainment and his secondary school have set their expectations of him as therefore quite low. He is doing OK by this lowish expectation. Sounds like he may have a processing issue with what you say about reading. Or it might just be that he isn't that keen on reading. It would be helpful to know his reading age.
In terms of actual support I totally agree get a tutor for maths and English. And as you and your husband sound lovely and supportive, reward him for his work with the tutor. Praise him for his efforts, see if he will take to using audio books, listening to set books and poems for English will help.
Also do encourage his healthy interactions with his peers. And I think you have done a great job by the way with him. I love the mental image of a teenage boy wanting to walk beside his mums mobility scooter! I'm having a bad day here myself and that cheered me right up.

So what you say about sitting reading with your son and he can read the words but it's like nothing has gone in - this is very usual for lower attaining students.

I taught mostly lower groups and we used to repeat material very frequently because honestly it was the only way they'd learn it.

By contrast, there are students in secondary who have excellent memories - for example we once had a girl who had changed sets and as a result did the same exam paper by mistake. She remembered all the questions and all the answers and got 100%.

You can imagine that the gap between the two groups - those who remember easily and those who don't gets wider and wider.

So there is good news. Firstly he can read. Secondly you have realised that although he is on track and behaving well that track is one that is not expected to pass.

So he needs a tutor.

As I said I have taught mainly lower ability groups in maths for many years. After the mocks it was often at the point that most parents had got a tutor. Of he's able to engage with the tutor then he can pass. I've seen students do it. Equally, if he doesn't engage with the tutor then it's likely he won't.
I've also seen students who tell me confidently that their mum has got a tutor so they don't need to do any work.

A lot will depend on his attitude.

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit thanks for your insight too. He’s never been keen on reading but I always assumed that was because he found it difficult. I had him a Beano subscription in Yr 6 thinking because it was ‘bite size’ pieces of reading that he’d enjoy it more and that any reading was better than nothing. He did enjoy it for a while and he used to make me laugh because he’d sit and read it with a cup of tea and he looked just like his grandad when he read the paper!😂 We used to use the library a lot too, again thinking just being around books and being able to choose what he wanted would help. And it did for a while but he lost interest.

He’s a lovely, caring and thoughtful lad. Glad to have cheered you up and yes, he does walk alongside me, chatting away at times.

@Octavia64 thanks again for your knowledge. I can’t imagine him daring to say anything like that to a teacher!😂😂 Even if it crossed his mind, he wouldn’t have it in him. He does get distracted very easily and I’ve always thought that was because of him struggling to take anything in.

I’m so pleased I’ve asked about this now because I feel like I can do something about it. I’m mightily frustrated with the lack of any information whatsoever from school, despite us asking all these times. I’m going to contact the head and request that we’re given his predicted grades etc and then use those to compare with the tutor when we get one.

I’ve been Googling a lot and see there are some online courses and things (as mentioned in some PPs), is it best to get a one to one tutor or one of these type of things? I’d assume one to one but would be happy to hear any views.

In terms of books my DD doest like novels,far too long but she does love poetry books and playscripts. She loves the use of language as a tool in both and with aplayscript you don't really have to imagine anything,you are literally told what the characters are doing and how the are moving.

She's autistic rather than dyslexic but generally both types of books have more space around the page and less words per page which can be useful for those that struggle with it.

Thugnotes is a great YouTube channel for teens and literature analysis and make sure that you go and watch the plays of whatever he is studying if possible. Inspector Calls is touring at the minute and there's bound to be a variety of Shakespeare plays about. The were designed to be acted not spoken aloud in a classroom by unenthusiastic teens.

I love your comment about him looking like his grandad with a newspaper.
I wonder if he would like manga? Lots of the reluctant readers at my school really like them. It's all reading, all of it increases general knowledge and helps with imagination.
Also the smartest kids I know read manga.
Your son is my favourite year 10 so far this year. When I see my kids next week I am going to tell them they have a high bar to reach now!