Why am I not excited?

[Spidermumm]

I get married soon. Small legal ceremony , small party at our house after. I downscaled it as we have 2 young kids and I thought it’s best they be in their own environment not staying out late in some bar / venue etc for our wedding party

i don’t feel excited? I just want it done with :(

The thought of everyone watching me walk down the aisle and then public speaking (in a way?) is making me so anxious. And then the party trying to manage everyone who’ll want to chat but then manage my kids who’ll want their mum then need bed time etc

i just kind of want the afternoon done with?

is this bad?

I get married in 3 weeks and feel no excitement. Anxious about walking down aisle, anxious about posing for pictures and just absolutely hate being centre of attention. Only a small ceremony and then a bbq at my aunties pub.

No, it's not necessarily bad. I think I'd feel a lot like you, tbh. I have severe anxiety and get nervous talking to lots of different people. Getting married can be very nervewracking. However, I'd also feel quite excited, too. Do you feel even partly excited?

Not really I just kind of want to be married because then the ceremony is done and the party is done

I think if you are an introvert, any gathering like this is stressful, particularly if you are the centre of attention and are organising some of it!

Why do you want to have a party after? You could just have the ceremony and skip the party perhaps? It kind of seems like you're more anxious about the party

My partner did want one and made the point of we should celebrate and I agree , it’s just the thought of everyone wanting to socialise and me watching the kids having to run after them , worried I’ll seem rude ?

Then I’ll go do bedtime which can take an hour or so , so basically I’ll be absent then but worried if people think I’m being rude

i am quite introverted and struggle a lot socially x

No it's not bad. It's the marriage that matters, not the wedding itself!

Enjoy your day as much as you can - if it helps think about you, your DH-to-be and your children and try to block everyone else out.

We had a small, intimate wedding and it was just right for us.

About 3 days before my wedding my fiance and I sat down for a chat and both admitted we regretted getting engaged. It was no reflection on our relationship but due to family dramas and stress. We went ahead with it and I slapped a smile on my face but I wouldn't go back to that time for all the tea in China. I'm outgoing and love a good party but that's different from a crowd looking at my fat arse slowly walking past. It wasn't just that, there was a lot going on. You are not alone OP!

I'm the same as you. But don't worry about what other people think of you (I'm sure they won't think you're rude for caring for your children). It's a special day for you, so focus on you, your husband to be and your kids. Also, if it does feel overwhelming, just remember its only one day :) you can chill out the next day!

I do think you need to engage an assigned babysitter on the day.

Totally reasonable. My husband looked forward to being married but dreaded the wedding for similar reasons.

can you have family to do as much kid helps a possible? No need for speeches etc if you don’t want to do the only public speaking is the vows but honestly, don’t view them like that. Nobody but your partner and celebrant need to hear them.

arrange the day to do things you enjoy and the way you want. The chatting after the ceremony might come more naturally cos you’ll be on a bit of a high both from happiness and relief!

It's fine.

You're introverted and struggle socially - that's why you're not excited about this event.

Can you manage? If yes then if you want to you can do this for your DP, and expect his gratitude for your efforts. If it is unmanageable, speak to your DP and change plans.

I think I’d be stressed and anxious about having a party at home. Why don’t you just go out for lunch somewhere instead? I’m assuming it’s a small, intimate group? Then you can return home to put your children to bed.

congratulations 😊

But if it’s making you so anxious and you won’t enjoy it, why choose this kind of wedding? We just got married with two witnesses, arrived together, did the legal bit in ten minutes and then took our witnesses for lunch. No aisles, no e trances, very low-key. Assuming you don’t want to change things now, though, surely there’s someone you can delegate to take the lead on looking after your children during the day?

I felt exactly the same, I just wanted it over with.

It was a load of expense, stress and hassle.

I wanted to be married but the wedding itself was a pain in the arse. Looking back I wish we'd eloped.

Yes, that’s a good thought. And there’s absolutely no need for ‘walking down the aisle’ (if there is an aisle, if you don’t want to. DH and I arrived together, only just in time, in a cab, and just walked in.

It just feels like a list of things to get through and lots of it with a degree of complete inflexibility. At a celebration, you usually know you're free to change your mind about what you wear, it's okay to be a few minutes late, you can take the DC for a walk to calm them down if needed, leave early if you need to and so on. Your own wedding and it's a lot of must happens and all while people look at you and you feel responsible for their enjoyment on your home turf.

Ask for help with the DC on the day if that helps, think about the bits you are looking forward to and don't expect perfection, just the start of married life.

In fairness you have obviously been living together for years, you have children together and a home, and the ceremony itself is going to be low-key, so I think most of the life changes that getting married often brings are not there. You are formalising the relationship for security (presumably), so honestly it isn't that exciting.

You could still throw a bigger party if you wanted?

I got married in June and was not excited at all. We are both introverted, shy people and I was terrified of walking down the aisle and people looking at me, messing up my vows etc. I was searching mumsnet for weeks beforehand reading threads of people who felt the same because I thought surely it’s not normal to be dreading your wedding day. We had a small day too, 25 people at the ceremony at 11am and then for a meal in a fancy pub after, whole day done at 5pm.

As it turns out it was the best day ever. We both were so emotional all day, it went swimmingly and I wish I could do it again. I think I underestimated how much people love a wedding and the good vibes from our guests (all of whom were our immediate family and closest friends) carried the day and everybody had a great time (they said!)

What I’m saying is what you’re feeling is totally normal. Just try to go with the flow and concentrate on each other, the rest will come.

I also have two young DC btw and they had a great day, everybody making a fuss over how smart they looked and enjoying seeing all of our family at once which doesn’t happen often! My step dad was nominated to keep the youngest (16 months at the time) occupied during the ceremony.

Good luck and congratulations, I hope you have the best day ❤️

I think I underestimated how much people love a wedding and the good vibes from our guests

This is so true @Tisfortired and good advice. I remember my Dh saying to just try to feel the love in the room. I repeated that to myself many times through the day and did feel it. It's so true, there is nothing but goodwill there and you'll never experience it again.