Friend has disappointed me

[Sparklytoe]

It's a man and I've always found him to be a decent bloke, but he's always been just a friend to me. He was very good to me and DH during a terrible time and often since, but he's behaving very badly (IMO) towards his GF.

Is it possible that he's a good man/friend but a terrible partner?

I won't give too many details, but he's not being violent or cheating, more messing her around to "keep her on her toes", enjoying making her jealous and insecure.

I would have to say something to him about it

Your last sentence does not indicate a “good man”, regardless of what he’s done for you and your DH. I would be reconsidering the friendship, and letting him know why.

I’d lose respect for him due to that behaviour. I’d question why he thought it was necessary.

Oh I did. He was laughing, with other men, about how he was making her jealous. I told him in no uncertain terms what I thought, which of course shut down that conversation, but won't change the behaviour. TBF at least 2 of the men told him he was being an arse too.

Nobody can make someone jealous if he is that bad she could always leave him

She does not have to put up with it

That could well be why he's doing it - looking for an out.

I certainly used to have a good male friend (colleague from a former job — we’re still in regular touch, but no longer live in the same country) who was a great friend (supportive, imaginative, clever, funny, excellent company), but, I gradually realised, a lazy, disengaged husband. It wasn’t obvious for a long time because I seldom met his wife and children, because we both lived a longish commute from work and tended to see one another in our work city around work. He divorced her, and I gather she’s thriving and single, but as far as I can see, he’s headed down exactly the same route in his next relationship.

I guess we look for different things in a friend and a partner. Yes it is possible to be a good friend but terrible partner material. We all know people who are great to be around but wouldn't want to live with them. How he's behaving with this woman will influence the way you feel about him though.

It's such a shame when you think you have a man in your life who fits the NAMALT category and then you find out that actually, he is the same as other men.

So many of them are.🤷‍♀️

Sometimes people surprise you. A male friend of my husband's who I thought was very good bloke, and who was at our wedding, ended up basically indirectly treating my husband very badly at work (they knew each other through work) because it was good for his career, and not even acknowledging the situation. My DH chose to leave that job for something new and he didn't even call him to say bye or acknowledge his departure (it was during Covid so they weren't in a shared office).
We quiet quit that friendship. Depressing.

I would personally end the friendship with the man child and then tell the lady he’s doing this to what is going on.

Give her a chance to know the truth.