Feeling absolutely wretched as a single mum on holiday (shared care)

[DodotPants1]

If anyone has any advice I would be so grateful, I'm sat here crying my eyes out!... Am not even a 'proper' single mum, as some ppl have pointed out to me, as I share care of DCs with my ex. Older DCs I was truly by myself but it was actually easier. Am not co-parenting, but counter-parenting with my ex. 50/50. He hates me and does anything he can to make things difficult. Tried to do something nice this year and take DC out of the country for the first time but... It has been a disaster. Staying with older (but active, young-at-heart) cousins of my DF who I was extremely close to growing up, to save money. DCs have fought constantly, and I mean literally every time my back's been turned. Elder DC is a tween and has been really nasty to me, has said some really hurtful things. Relatives seem aghast with how much screen time DCs have (compared to their own DGCs) but it is the only way I can get mine to behave or be quiet or not at each other. I'm so very tired. I really wanted a nice trip with them, they are only with me half the time so it feels like I have just wasted it. I'm gutted. No idea what to do next year. Just feel so dejected. Don't know anybody who does 50/50 or indeed anyone with a really nasty ex so despite trying my friends will not understand why I am so sad. Plus sense of this being a real 'first world problem' as I am abroad, with DCs, being spoiled rotten by kindly relatives.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know if you want advice or not but I would take the screens away and encourage family activities where you bond over shared fun experiences or quiet time... basically avoid the dopamine and adrenaline spikes of screens that will be adding fuel to the fire.

I don’t want to make you feel worse but every year this forum is full of stories of tweens/young teens spoiling summer holidays and parents wondering where they went wrong.

I’m sorry that they are behaving badly and spoiled what should be a nice time. 💐

Ah op I think first thing to do is lose the expectations of it being any type of way.

Secondly, all is not lost. Can you agree a set amount of screen time (if any) and get the kids to help you plan and research activities to do then take them in turns to do together? Heat, tiredness, loss of routine can bring out the worst in any child - this isn't all on you. And let go of the cousins judgements. They aren't parenting your children you are and you do what you need to to survive.

Op, could this be a combination of having set your expectations of this trip very high - so you feel extra disappointed, sharing accomodation with family and being 'on show' and the fact that you are very tired and need a rest yourself.

I'd stop worrying about screen time during the evening. Tell your cousin's that they're allowed extra because they are on holiday, and then find yourself a glass of wine and a book, and go to bed early.

It's your holiday too.

This is a very common problem and I don't know if it would make you feel better or worse to know it is not related to your being a single parent. Holidays often bring out the worst in kids, and parental hopes are dashed, and it is worse when it is all being witnessed by relatives you don't see for the rest of the year.

Tell your children that next year you will all stay at home and you are telling them now, on the basis of their current behaviour, and you will not be listening to any whining when the time comes. Stick to it, and go away yourself when your ex has them.

Thanks everyone for the kind remarks 💕 it is appreciated.
I'm not an assertive person but I will try to be for the DCs.
I haven't read enough threads but it does make me feel better it isn't just me
I do feel like I have to be on my "best behavior" which is triggering af and very stressful.
The DCs have had lots of nice time in theory: days to beach, local tourist attractions, local town, etc. It's just the seem so unhappy when they aren't doing an official 'thing' and that is when they fight with each other and get upset and want screens.

I'd take your kids aside and explain to them that behaving like rude brats is disrespectful to you and your hosts. They are lucky to have a holiday and if they don't change their attitude you will not be taking them away again.

Elder DC is a tween and has been really nasty to me

There's your problem right there.

Can't read the rest because there's no paragraphs.

I'd be taking away all his privileges and making him do the cooking, cleaning and taking away his passport if he continues like that.

Stop being a doormat and find your inner tiger towards your children.

You are making a rod for your own back.

How will you deal with it when he is a physically stronger than you in the next few years....?

I found everything my parents wanted to do dreadfully boring when I was a kid. “Let’s go for a walk” after dinner were words I dreaded to hear. Traipse through a farmer’s field and dodge cow pats? Wear awful waterproof coats? Walk around a charming fishing village - to what end? No thanks! I would have far rather had my head in a Narnia book, where things were far less mundane.

Kids are easily bored and teens are almost always awful. Me escaping in books is no different to your kids and their screens. I used to get told off for that too: “but she’s not even learning anything!”

Well, it stopped me from being rude and embarrassing my parents re: how boring and dull most adult’s idea of fun is during our many countryside family visits, so books (and screens) have that going for them.

Try not to feel too guilty and don’t worry too much that your hosts are judging you. Anyone who’s spent time around kids should know that they are awful at different times and in different ways. That doesn’t mean that they will grow up to be bad people! Take a bit of pressure off yourself and try to enjoy your holiday. Maybe the kids can play two player games with each other instead of talking to their mates and checking social media?

This isn't the first thread you've come on and made snide comments about paragraphs. You really haven't been able to read 'the rest' of a relatively short OP despite quoting from over half way down? Obviously bullshit.

Try to dig deep and locate your empathy gene. There is just no need for the grammar police when someone's really suffering. 🙄

Thanks for the messages.

I suppose it is three different things

• kids being rude
• kids wanting screens
• feeling wobbly as not been away before as singleton

@KievLoverTwo I was a bookworm too and always getting told off for reading all the time. I feel the screens are similar in a way. I had friends who watched TV ALL the time (in the 90s) or had game-boy so I think it's similar in a way.

@suburberphobe you're right I do need to be more assertive. ExH totally broke me mentally and physically but I don't want to be a dormat!!

I have my children 50/50 with their father and this sounds very familiar to moments I've had on holiday with them.

I think it's a number of things at play:

• I feel guilty that I don't have them for the majority of the time because other people have made the odd comment about how they couldn't bear to be away from their children that much (I can't bear it - I have to work very hard at managing my time without them in order to look after myself.
• Due to the guilt I try really hard to make it 'the best ever' and, of course, this trying really does the opposite.
• My expectations are too high. I don't account for us just being normal people.

I always have to give myself a bit of a pep talk before we go away to remind myself to just be in the moment and enjoy what is happening rather than ruminate on what I think should be happening.

You're doing a great job and it will get easier.

Reading this and sending sympathy as I sit in a too-small eurocampstyle cabin with our lot in a rare moment of quiet between the arguing, play fighting (that always ends in tears) and shouting... 🙈.

I promise we are having a wonderful time!!!!

I'm giving myself a pep talks and taking deep breaths too. I think expectations are always high for holidays and we all want a rest too which makes it all the more tricky.

Dig deep! I'm sure everyone will still have fond memories of this time away.

As for screen time, please ignore the judgement, they'll get over it xxx

I think expectations are very high for holidays because we want them to be special times. It doesn't matter if your children are on screens when they are in your cousin's house - they probably don't have anything else to do there? I find it is usually harder staying in someone else's home as you have to fit in with their family.

While you are still there, I personally would talk to your children and explain that you were really looking forward to taking them away because you wanted them to have a nice time but that you're upset they are spoiling it with their behaviour. There is no need to hide your disappointment if their behaviour is unacceptable.

Not the point of the thread I know but you are still a single parent so please don't feel you need to play down how hard it is!

It's so tough I get it I took my 2 away a few times this year and each time I regretted it 😅 ages 16 and 6.

You can make changes but right now on holiday probably isn't the time. Muddle through and start again when you're home 💚

Thank you for all your posts 💙
@RosaBaby2 someone said I wasn't a single parent and it's affected me quite badly. I am very much single as have sworn off men after how badly my ex treated me. But given the younger DC are only with me some of the time I feel quite fraudulent!

OP - it’s not you, it’s not because you’re a single/shared care parent (though that undoubtedly makes it even harder for you).

Dd 12 has surpassed herself with sulking, whinging and generally crap behaviour this summer. I’m embarrassed to say how many holidays she’s had.

We’ve tried explaining why her behaviour isn’t acceptable, setting boundaries, taking away her phone, not giving her her allowance, asking her what she’d like to do etc. Just results in sulking - literally refuses to speak for days. Does her best to cast a shadow when we try to do something nice.

I can’t wait for school to start. Next summer will be a wake up call for her as plan to do what we enjoy rather than planning holidays around what she said she wants - and she will have to suck it up.

@Decisionsdecisions1 ooh that sounds so grim! 😔

I feel like I have to squeeze everything into the 3 weeks these DC are with me so can't afford sulking etc. Then there is the inevitable tears etc. but I know there is behaviour I just should not be tolerating. It is so grim. DC spent 3 weeks with exH and seems like they got away with murder and no rules at all

My advice is to fake an upbeat and confident personality. Act a role and be more playful.

Don't nag or shout or act disappointed with their behaviour (if you do)
Instead be extra cheerful. "Right come on. Enough of turning your brain to jelly, let's go for a swim and get an ice cream/play a game/ watch a film"

Ask them random questions on a walk or suddenly if you see them playing up.
"Would you rather only eat your favourite flavour of ice cream for the rest of your life or eat all the other flavours but never your favourite?"
"would you rather be able to fly like a bird or walk up walls like a lizard?"
"Would you rather be raised by wolves or gorillas?"

Keep giving them hugs and tell them how brilliant they are when they deserve praise.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Don't feel sad. They're kids and they'll play up. Do have a serious chat with them about how they talk to each other though. Teach them how to resolve conflicts or walk away.

Dodo - I hear you. It’s easy to say yes to everything, not to call out poor behaviour, not to set basic boundaries etc. But it’s not parenting. Parenting is much harder.

Hope things improve and hope you’re kind to yourself when the kids are away, you need a break too.