more visitors now I'm in beautiful area...

[redmapleleaves1]

I've just moved back to a lovely area after 40 years away. It is great that good friends want to come and stay. However I want to balance friends visiting and me hosting, with having the energy to get out there and make new friends; and I can't work out how to handle people who aren't priorities for me, but now want to come and be hosted now I'm in a nice area.

What do you say to people who aren't your priority who are inviting themselves? 'Ooh yes, do come by for a coffee when you're in the area?' Grateful for your phrases/tactics to say no, you're not staying here.

Thanks

Another thing is you probably need to prioritize yourself in your diary. What I mean is, let's say you're planning to clear the garden from a jungle and plant pansies, it can look "not that important" and you might find yourself constantly bumping it in favour of friends, if you find it hard to say no. So put it in your diary, block out the time, you're no longer available then. Maybe you decide to bump it for a meetup with a new local friend, who you want to forge a better connection with and they've invited you somewhere you really want to go. Fine. But don't just absorb it into your daily chaos or do without a nice garden. Instead bump one of these old friends, putting off their visit so you can do your garden that weekend instead. Basically prioritize yourself and creating the life you want to have, not the old friendships, most of which are over now, realistically.

Be honest. Say that you’ve made the decision that you’re not hosting people other than close family. But you’re happy to meet up and do things with them if they’re staying in the area.

I wouldn’t dream of asking to stay with friends!

"that date doesn't work for me I'm busy"

I had people outright asking to stay with me too. So many of us experiencing the same!

When I moved away they were like "Noooooo! Don't say goodbye, we'll visit".

I'm an introvert and was living in a tiny one bedroom flat. I was happy to put up my friend on a small two seater sofabed (which was also the only seating) for one night. It's a two hour train ride so I figured if they came Saturday just before lunchtime and left Sunday after lunch, I'd cope with that. It's a touristy area, plenty of places I could take them each visit and we could go out of an evening. It would be fun and a chance to catch up, I thought.

Nobody visited. Zero people. That sofabed was a total waste of money.

Why? Because I refused to have the husband/boyfriend/children/dog too. Or to host for an entire weekend and told them it would have to be a hotel if they wanted to come for a holiday.

Ten years later I'm in touch with precisely none of these people, many of whom I'd known for decades.

Also beware overstayers- those that, once they have arrived for the agreed one night, ask, oh so nicely, if they can stay another night or two, because they fully intended to get a B & B but they couldn't...

Oh that's sly Fuzzy how manipulative of them. I guess I'm lucky mine used to ask outright!

Just be honest about not putting them up. I have some friends visiting next spring and I said straight up that I won’t be able to put them up. They said it was no problem and they’ll get an Airbnb or something. This way they can still come to the house for a coffee and cake or lunch but we’ll be out showing them the surrounding area I live in. They’re coming to see me but it’s not a holiday at my place type visit.

Thanks so much all. Really helpful to discover, yes this is a thing, not just me being oversensitive and to have some of your phrases to use.

@SamAndAnnie love your points about prioritising myself and the jungle garden, this is precisely what has been proving difficult. I want to build a life here not always be entertaining. Saying no and moderation is the key.
Thanks all

@redmapleleaves1

I think your point about building a life is key.
You are not on holiday.
Other people forget that