What does Passive Aggressive mean to you?

[LeontineFrance]

So many people label not talking to someone as 'passive aggressive' and advise that it is a bad trait. Is it a British trait to be passive aggressive and, if you feel so strongly about something offensive someone has done to you, is it not your right to choose not to speak to them as, if you did, you would probably be even more offensive back?

If you think of it this way it makes more sense. Aggressive is trying to force someone to do what you want, so you win. Passive is exiting the fight, so you lose.

PA is looking like you're exiting the fight, but using that to force someone to do what you want. Not speaking because you're exiting the fight is really different to not speaking to try to manipulate someone into doing what you want.

And no, PA isn't a British trait. Although some cultures are definitely better at being assertive.

Everyone has the 'right' to be passive aggressive, but it isn't a healthy or helpful way to deal with issues and prevents good relationships.

if you feel so strongly about something offensive someone has done to you, is it not your right to choose not to speak to them as, if you did, you would probably be even more offensive back? Why would you be ’offensive'? The healthy option is to be assertive, not offensive.

In a domestic relationship I think that not talking to someone is the equivalent of sulking, which should be reserved for children under 8. It achieves nothing.

PA is being manipulative, IMO. Mixed with sarcasm, sometimes.

That's interesting. Perhaps I am speaking for myself as I have a vile mouth if someone offends me. Sledgehammer to crack a nut job so I tend to be passive aggressive till my indignation dies down and I can put some distance between me and them.

You're speaking as if you have no control over it. You can only 'do' aggressive or passive aggressive and therefore pick between them.

But there are more than two communication styles. Your go-to choices are the worst for other people. You've chosen the two which mean you win and everyone else loses. If you want to have win:win then you need to work on assertiveness. It's pretty easy to do some work on that, there are books and courses.

What offends you OP?
What offends you so much you fly off the handle and then sulk?

Is it a regular occurrence?

Don't people just go, erm OK, and then decide that person is not for them socially and if you have to work with them just keep it professional?

Everyone has a choice who they spend time with socially, everything else is just transaction.

As for "British" traits.
"Old British" was seen as stiff upper lip, keeping calm, keeping manners even under straining circumstances.
It seems present British is to scream and shout about "I know my rights" or getting the hump and refusing to accept any apologies.

So I guess British behaviour just about covers everything nowadays.

Not when it comes to family, being a burnt out carer, claims to family inheritance when they have contributed absolutely nothing, and the responsibility rests on your shoulders for the care of someone who has dementia and the others are out sailing on a yacht Bank Holiday weekend when you could do with a break and no one offers. So, passive-aggressive is my carapace. And, I am very old fashioned British stiff upper lip so will probably fume and then see my lawyer.

others are out sailing on a yacht Bank Holiday weekend when you could do with a break and no one offers.

Assertive would be to state your feelings, and ask. What would happen if you did that?

The answer would be 'Sorry, we've made arrangements and can't let our friend down.' It is presented as a fait accompli. I have no choice in the matter as primary carer and if I just cleared off for the afternoon, who would look after grandad?

I'm never passive aggressive.

Unlike SOME people.