Am I handling tantrums wrong?

[theoliveeetree]

I have a 2y7mo son who’s always been a bit more on the tantrum side but also a bit behind on speech so I get his frustration

For tantrums, at the minute, they happen if I don’t say yes to chocolate at 7am. When he’s having one I usually go about my day just potter around and I say stuff like I understand, I hear you etc. when calm he comes and gives me a hug (I ask does he want one) and I ask is he okay and we speak about what upset him

However, I just seen something on an Instagram page ran by a pediatician in America (I believe) who said you shouldn’t ignore tantrums as it teaches kids your love is conditional and every ‘chaotic’ moment is an oppurtunity to bond

I feel so guilty now as I don’t want my son thinking this😭 but when ive tried in the past to help mid tantrum etc he flips out more and it goes on longer? There’s no reasoning when he hasbthem

what can I do am I handling it all wrong

What you’re doing sounds perfect. Especially for this age group, assuring them you know that they’re frustrated and offer hugs if required, and talk about it after they’re calm sounds perfect

I think if you are available, if you say things like "I understand that you are disappointed about not having chocolate. I can see you are having really big feelings. I'm still here and want to help. I'm just going to get dressed/empty the dishwasher/ put some washing on but I am still here. Let me know when you would like a hug", then you are offering unconditional love but also being calm and holding boundaries and showing you aren't overwhelmed by his feelings even if he is!

But you are responding to him though OP - you talk it through and let him know that you’ve heard and understand he is frustrated / upset etc. Please don’t beat yourself up about this, my daughter also used to tantrum a lot and to be honest I used to pick my battles - if she tantrummed because she didn’t get chocolate etc then no I didn’t give her a lot of attention during the tantrum but would always offer a cuddle afterwards etc.

You sound like a fabulous mum 🌺

Well what did they say to do instead? Using tantrums as an opportunity to bond? 😂 what does this look like in practice, do you try and chat about your favourite colour while they're screaming and kicking on the floor?

FWIW I think you're handing it fine. You're being neutral, and you're there when they're finished. Unless you're smothering them with love after and staying 'I love you SO much now, you're the BEST once you stop screaming', then I think you're absolutely fine and not traumatising your child.

I think what you are doing is fine, but I'd maybe agree more and explain more. I used to say, 'I know! Wouldn't it taste nice to have chocolate for breakfast but we need food that gives us strength and energy at breakfast and chocolate doesn't. So do you want to get your superpower from eggs or toast and peanut butter or...?' It worked more often than I expected.

I also had a calm corner with cushions, blanket, nice cuddly toy etc and if it looked like a tantrum might be brewing, I'd say: You seem very upset. That is horrible for you - it makes you sad and horrible for me too. Go and snuggle up in the cosy corner until you have calmed down.

So it's a cooling off period, like the naughty step, but without the utterly pointless shame attached for daring to have a feeling other than smiley and compliant.

If you're verbally comforting him/sympathising/explaining/reminding him he can come for a cuddle if he needs one then you're not ignoring him

You sound like you are handling tantrums brilliantly. Maybe the paediatrician means ignoring, as in sitting them on a naughty step or shutting them in anther room and deliberately withholding your attention as a consequence of the tantrum.

Tantrums don't need to be fed, tantrums are a expression of frustration, and sensory overload but can also be scary.

1. teach him how to sign for the things he needs this is a game changer and you'll see behaviour improvement almost instantly

2. when tantrumming make sure he is somewhere safe and can't hurt himself or others, sit with him quietly so you are there and wait for it to blow over, or get on with jobs in the same room.

Don't feed the tantrum by adding more noise other than soothing sounds or humming a favourite calming tune, he can't hear it anyway, darken the room if possible or move out of the right sunlight to a shady spot if outside. Don't escalate your own behaviour to match his, head phones can help keep you calm by listening to your own music.

Step away from your phone, American 'experts' and anything that sounds like a fad. We are animals, trust your instincts.

I’ll start by saying that I’m not a mum, but I have brought children up and currently have a toddler around the same age, so I’ve been through the tantrum stage several times.

Please try not to feel guilty. There is no single approach that works for every single child and for every expert that tells you you’re damaging your child by doing something one way, there’s another ten telling you you’ll be damaging them by doing it another. It sounds to me like you’re handling it perfectly.

The predictable tantrums are the easy ones to manage. Our current toddler loves the beach and we spend a lot of time there, but he is beyond furious that I won’t leave him in peace to attempt his first solo trip to Calais on an inflatable crocodile. So I manage his expectations and tell him that we can build sand castles and throw pebbles in the sea and have a paddle, but we won’t be swimming like we do in his lessons and if that’s going to upset him, then it’s probably best to go to the park instead. He knows I absolutely will not back down and no amount of screaming will achieve what he wants. I don’t negotiate and if I tell him he has lost a privilege, then it is lost. So we go, he plays and (assuming he doesn’t throw a different tantrum because I won’t let him bring home a dead crab/a bin bag full of seaweed etc and distraction techniques have failed) we come home having had a lovely time. In your case, I’d probably go into his room for a cuddle ten minutes before he wakes up, and talk about breakfast being cereal, getting dressed, are you going to the park after school etc, and if he’s a good boy, would he like to go to the shop and choose some chocolate as a treat when he gets home? If he throws a tantrum, there’s no trip to the shop and you try again the next day. That works for ours but, again, there would be a million kids that approach wouldn’t work for. Other than the swimming thing, ours isn’t a massive tantrum thrower. His dad, on the other hand, gave me the skills I’d need to work as a lion tamer when he was that age!