Should I apply for this Phd

[PhdOrNotNameChange]

I think I am jumping the gun and should just apply but I'm turning this over in my head too much. I think these are the relevant points in a bit of a jumbled order:

I have the chance to apply for a funded studentship in a field that I love and is tangentially related to the field I work in (all software related). However, the studentship is in another city so I would be doing it remote and on top of that it's a 2/3rds pay cut.

On top of that my for sure "one and done" husband has turned into "maybe we should think about having a second". I've always wanted more than one child so this is great news for me, but obviously going for the PhD might crush his desire for a second. He's still making up his mind.

On the plus side the university has said the PhD can be done remotely with some travel there. Though it is 4 hours trip in one direction.

My husband is getting some inheritance early so that will help with the lost income. On top of that he's a v. good earner

I already do 90%+ of drop off and pick ups and I regularly do solo parenting for weeks at a time while he travels.

My husband has a rewarding but demanding job that he loves and I think my work isn't actually a friendly nice place to be, lot's of complaining about people behind their backs, lots of petty actions.

I've always wanted to do a PhD.

My DC is going to school next year. (This one is neither a pro or con it's just for context.) I did get very depressed when I had them as it was the pandemic and I found it so hard to be by myself locked in the house with a small baby. But I'm much better now.

I veer wildly from thinking, don't rock the boat there is more time to why shouldn't I do this, why should I sacrifice my dreams to be the stable one so DH can climb the greasy poll, to I'm probably not good enough anyway to my DC needs me.

Any insights welcome!

It's not uncommon for PhD students to take maternity leave. A number of funders pay it. Have you thought about part-time study (also possible with most funders I'm aware of, even if the award is initially for a set period - it's worth a discussion)? Not sure what you do, but would you be able to go part-time at work to accommodate?

I could perhaps go part time? I'm not sure if that's just nuts in terms of my energy levels?

Good to know that Mat leave is a thing on PhD. I assumed (wrongly) that it would kill the chance of finishing it at all.

Do it! No hesitation here, you’ll work out whatever you need to change.

I absolutely loved my PhD, self funded while working full time as a single parent. It is one of my biggest achievements, not just the PhD itself, but everything that I managed to keep spinning at the same time.

What do you want to do with the PhD is the most important question? Don’t do it just to have a PhD. Do you have a contact with a research supervisor there and a research idea? Obviously in a funded studentship, the project is to a degree already decided, but you should still have your own ideas and angle on it.

As for the practicalities, it’s totally possible as long as you can afford it and have childcare in place. I did a PhD with a baby/toddler and I did it remotely, including with international travel to collect data. It was totally doable, but I had solid paid childcare in place. I treated it like a job, kept 9-5 hours on my working days, Dh could take off as needed when I was travelling, etc.

Go for your PhD @PhdOrNotNameChange

"IF" you both decide on a second child you could delay trying until the end of your second year?

Good luck, PhD's are very intense 🌻

PhD's a a labour of love and require a degree of selfishness. Like most things you have to focus strongly on, they are better done alone with few other responsibilities. Once you bring others into the mix, spouses, children you are
more limited in the time you can dedicate. Unless you want the rest of your life to go to pot.

Remember if in the future if your husband decides he wants a 3 year sabbatical with much reduced earning potential I don't think you have the right to refuse that. And maybe he doesn't feel so great about using his inheritance to fund your PhD.

@GasPanic Could you give examples? It's just that most people who I've talked to who have done a PhD did it between 21-24 and a lot of the issues with giving everything were perhaps as they didn't know what they could manage and how they worked as adults. It's been hard to get experiences of people who have done who are mature and what they found. I'm not saying that it won't be difficult but so are lots of things in life and I want to know how difficult?

And if my husband quit his job tomorrow and was less stressed and had more time for himself and us that would be amazing, but that's not who he is right now.

I started mine in my late 40s. I didn't know what I wanted to do with it (to quote a PP), I'd gone back as a mature student and didn't want to stop learning when I had finished my master's. I particularly enjoyed my dissertation and my Prof encouraged me to continue, so I did.

It was really useful, has definitely enhanced my working life and my research has been applied in the sector I work in.

I compressed my hours at work to do 5 days in 4 so had one PhD day in the week, I timetabled eight hours at the weekend (often getting up at 5am so I could get three hours out of the way before DC got up), read in bed for at least an hour every night.

I guess it was intense, but you get used to the pressure and I missed it when I'd finished.

ETA I did it over five years.

I did my phd the usual time (21-24).

It required a lot of focus and effort. I wouldn't say it was necessarily more time involved than work. But did involve more mental effort.

It also required some gymnastics as regards time allocation due to equipment/supercomputer availability - working all day and night to take advantage for example.

Most people seemed to find writing the thesis quite hard. And the general way it seemed to be done was by making a strong mental effort to complete it and blitzing it until it was finished, to the neglect of everything else for several months. People working piecemeal or in a standard 9-5 setup rarely seemed to have as much success in focussing in on the objective and hung around often for years.

We did have some mature students but most of them were way past the young kids stage and were relatively free of other commitments. I would say their advantage was that they worked constantly from the start point, whereas the youngsters often messed around for a year or so before a panic set in that they had to deliver something or end up with no money.

I can imagine some kids with SEN could be exhausting to bring up whereas other kids maybe look after themselves much more. Ultimately PhDs are time suckers - or black holes for time. Like kids. They can take as much time as you can give. They are not time limited in a way that a 9-5 job might be. And spending time on one will inevitably suck time away from the other.

To me when you take up a PhD as a mature student it seems often to be a labour of love rather than a route to a particular career path (as it was with me). If that's the case then to me the labour should be rewarding and fulfilling, not an exhausting balancing act between the PhD and home life. That is no way to have fun and I think it would be better left to do later if you think that is the likely outcome, as you are only going to do it once.

I had twins while doing my PhD. I would NOT recommend taking maternity leave. I did finish in the end but it was ten times harder tbh.

Go for it. I did a doctorate with a toddler and it was full on but doable and included travel.

I wouldn't say mine was a labour of love, I enjoyed it and it definitely augmented my career path, but I was already SLT.

I found it really fulfilling and massively relevant when adopted in my area of work by central government. I still enjoy talking about it and regularly give guest lectures in England and Wales/am still considered an expert in that field.

It has definitely enriched my work life, in ways that I don't think would have necessarily happened if I had done it in my early career because I wouldn't have had the decades of experience and professional profile.